Legs Up

Had an overdue pap today, was dreadful and ended in tears. Couldn't find cervix, searching, searching ... did an internal, eventually found cervix "twisted off to one side, pointing down".

Umm, righto. Then apparently sighted some "irregular, bleeding cells." WTF????

Hope it isn't a taste of things to come.

Oh - and nurse rolled eyes and shook head when I told her I was going to try for a baby, said "I have a 10 year old daughter, you can borrow her." No thanks. Idiot.

Frozone and Dr Google

Seeing gyno tomorrow, make sure everything is as it should be in there.

Have a whole magazine article to write by Wednesday - however all I can seem to think about is making a baby. Or writing about wanting to make said baby. Dreamt last night that I was in the newsagency, looking at all of the different magazines - was suddenly surrounded by pregnant women, who were taking the magazines I wanted away.

Had a Mr Topcat-free weekend ... was really nice! Rained a lot - played Xbox with my 5-year old Tiger. I was Frozone to his Mr Incredible - I would freeze the baddies and he would smash them. Kraft packaged Macaroni and cheese for dinner YUM.

How did I only just realise at the age of 35 that I love my own space every once in a while?

Am pretty sure I'm ovulating right now. Definition of futility? Making sure we do the deed JUST IN CASE a swimmer may escape that snipped and tied vas, and obediently make it's way to my impatient egg. If Dr Google says it can happen, who I am to argue?

Folic Acid.

Today I bought some folic acid. I felt purposeful.

Also I received a DVD on the various treatments that Westmead Fertility Centre has to offer. Giddy up.

My GP wrote me a referral and wished me luck. Monday is my first pap smear in a few years. Methinks I need to get used to strangers poking me in the nethers .... better get out the bikini clippers.

Right now I am marvelling at the surreal experience of clicking a button and sending such personal info out into cyberspace. My husband could possibly think I've gone strange (r).

I watched an ivf/icsi DVD today. Freakin AMAZING

If I could only find what category i belong to ....

Hello. I can't seem to work out where I belong (ha). Reading other peoples blogs has been mindblowing. I'm trying to not let it evolve into an addiction. You can probably guess that Topcat is not my real name. I am a lot of different things, don't like to feel boxed in to one label. I'm not even sure what the main focus of these writings will be. I have a five year old son so I am not infertile - my husband had a vasectomy, so obviously I cannot know nor do I pretend what it is like to spend so many years trying. I have read so many of your stories and I have cried for you and felt joy for you. I feel guilty sometimes for reading such personal things (I'm GREAT at guilt - recovering Catholic). I needed to find out as much as I could on ivf and icsi. Seeing my GP today about getting a referral to a fertilily clinic on the 22nd May. So today is my first step towards making a baby. Shit. I'm excited and scared.

My husband already has 3 children, from a prior relationship when I met him. He understands my deep desire for another.

I have been getting more and more clucky over the past two years, to the point where I now wince when I see a pregnant woman, cry at the thought of never having anymore, and guilt (there it is again) for not being content with what I already have. The profound love I have for my beautiful son has anchored me to the world in such a way I still cannot believe it. 

I am RAVING on. My main concern is the massive process I'm about to start - counts and stims and injections and charting and follies and retrieval - SHIT. If only there was a guaranteed baby at the end it would be so much easier ....