The Cat's Outta the Bag

"You cannot truly know a persons happiness .... until you know their unhappiness."

I believe that the blow of infertility is softened if you already have a child. It's been a very difficult, emotional, scary year this year - for me and most of the wonderful women I have read. But I'm lucky - I already have a son. Who was even conceived naturally, unplanned ... when I was smoking, and 5 months sober for Chrissake.

As I was driving to all the appointments, and doing all of the invasive things we do during IVF, I kept thinking "Wow, I'm really serious about this". And I am. I tried accepting Mr TC's vasectomy as my lot in life, but no matter how much I tried, I just couldn't. I tried to accept that I would just have one child, and be content with that - but I just couldn't.

I realised yesterday why this was so, so big for me. I'm realising that, due to being born into such a SERIOUSLY dreadful family, I didn't experience love - ummmm, at all! (Except from my nan. She knew, and she loved me fiercely).

I am a loving, giving, warm, funny person. I deserved more. I know that now. I also know, that the love I have for my son cut through all of my sorrow and addiction and pain. It's how I wished my parents - my mother, should have loved me. Rarely - but it still happens, I have mini-meltdowns, and know that something is dreadfully wrong inside, all the crap comes back to haunt me. But I move through it.

I guess, in light of Farahs thought-provoking posts recently .. well, I just can't enter into a "My pain is bigger than your pain". Life has put me through the wringer - the roads I ended up walking down were so hideously black that I should be dead. But I'm not - I'm here. And I'm so grateful for people who have reached out and supported me through this year - while they have been TTC - their first, longer and with more heartache than I will ever know. That's not fair. I believe in the power of positive thought, and I will be cheering anyone on who needs it. I know there are people who have chosen not to comment and converse with me - because I'm not a "True" IFer. That is so ok, and I respect that, truly. But hey - maybe someone who is about to start IVF, is a recovering addict with PTSD from their childhood, who is married to a guy with a vasectomy, maybe they will stumble across my blog and not feel so alone.

I'm a freelance writer, and I have no doubt I will write an article on TTC via IVF soon for a mag or newspaper. I want more people to be better informed, more mindful, more thankful for what they have. I will never, ever again ask someone if they have children. My eyes have been opened to a world that previously, I had the luxury of being completely fucking ignorant about.

As for how I am today ... I'm waiting on my clinic to call me back - their policy is to only be on Crinone for 2 weeks after egg retrieval!! So I'm due to finish in 2 days, which is pretty scary. Plus, I want a bloodtest ... STAT!!!

I did a test with Mr TC this morning - positive. He was shocked - but so lovely. I told him that I will never, ever again doubt his love for me. He said he's so happy for me - but the thought of prams and nappies and strollers make him shudder. And, he reckons he's too old. (41). I said to him - "But you're free!!! You are a free man! Freedom! You can do whatever you want to do!"

This will either end in a healthy baby - or not. I could have a low beta. Or miscarry, or the baby could have birth defects. Or be stillborn. Or die of cotdeath. A meteor could hit us. We might go broke and have to live in a caravan. There is absolutely nothing I can do about it! So I may as well enjoy it while it lasts. I intend to enjoy it - and keep writing about it, hopefully with not too much guilt. (I already have enough guilt to start my own religion).

Today I'm Queen of the Positive Pee Stick - and the luckiest bitch in the world. xoxo