Strength in Numbers

I love you. You. Right there, sitting, looking at your computer.

I'm so very, very grateful that I have such amazing love and support from this blogging community. I nearly stopped my blog a few times in the past year .... 'only' secondary fertility so I wasn't a 'real' infertile, guilt over a BFP after my first try .... but I kept writing. Looking back at the early stilted posts, I've grown more honest and open here than I would ever have thought when I first started.

I am so, so glad that I kept writing. You all are seriously helping me through possibly the hardest time of my life. I read a lot of the posts I wrote in the lead-up to D.aves (Mr TCs) diagnosis, it was bittersweet to read my excitement and joy, when all I have felt lately is pure horror at what has happened. Thank you for your love, assvice, generosity, and thoughts. I don't tell people that much about me IRL .... here I have just been blasting and venting, major meltdowns and tantrums, and you have still held me up and carried my faith for me when I think I have none. You have helped me not to hate ALL people. I received a beautiful hand-crocheted wrap in the post, all the way from America. From r.a.w. (pwp) .... she has yet to have a baby of her own, but she started crocheting when I was still pregnant. To give Monkey a gift. Her generosity of spirit is amazing. Thank you, r.a.w. I showed Mr TC and he couldn't believe that a total stranger would do that ... except, it doesn't feel like any of you are total strangers.

Him getting diagnosed with cancer, five days before I give birth? It reminds me of infertility. Why? Because it is just random. There is no sense to be made. There is no grudge against me, by the Ruler of the Universe. Shit just happens. I definitely believe in a Higher Power, but not a Higher Power who would do something so mean and awful. Shit just happens.
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Ok, so how is Chez Fucked Up TC tonight? Marginally better. I said to someone today - "Hardly any crying today!" He says who, the baby? "No - me!" My boobs have finally deflated thank GOD, Mr TC has had his second bout of chemo today (no wonder they call it a bout, he is in the fight of his life) ... he looks so pale and sick. He has just gone to bed with his spewbags. Today I bought him a really cool hat with this furry flap thing that you pull down at the back, to protect his ears and neck. He looks dreadful. I LOVE HIM. Standing in the Hattery, choosing the right one, blurting out the reason to the shopkeeper, she tells me she GETS HER CHEMO FROM THE SAME PLACE. (Breast cancer). How fucking rampant is cancer in the world! I had never taken much notice before. To be honest, cancer has always bored me. Cancer schmancer. How THAT has changed.

I've had to cook for five people instead of three. I have been compassionate, because her son is sick .... but go away now. If you're not here to help, I can't have you here. Simple. (I really hope they go tomorrow). Tiger is playing his new Mario game, he looks tired, and I haven't spent much time with him. Last night we were giggling in bed together, I was telling him that some adults swear, but kids don't swear. He says he knows the c-word. I thought, oh my goodness, am I really that bad! I said "What's that, sweetie?" He looks at me, deciding whether to tell me. In a hushed whisper he blurts out "Kill."

Monkey is crying (again) .... frankly, this crying every night for hours is wearing thin. Sometimes it's hard just to get through the freakin day, and then when he does this, it nearly sends me over the edge. I would have had SO much more patience, had Mr TC not gotten sick.

I'm hoping Monkey grows out of it. I wonder, he must have been picking up on all of the energy around him, when he was born til now. (And beyond!) I hope he is ok, I hope he still feels loved and secure, even though we are all so preoccupied.

I talk to him in funny voices ....

Scarlett O'Haras maid from Gone with the Wind tells him "I's your mama!!"
Al Pacino from Scarface lifts his whole body right up and says "Say hello to my leetle friend!"
As he finishes his bottle, milk dripping down his lips, a waiter in a fancy restaurant dabs the corners of his mouth .."Would sir care to see the dessert menu?"

My apologies for last posts Black Blackness from Blackland. I did get a chuckle out of the title, however, and found myself singing it to my four week-old baby, in a very lullabye way, of course.

"My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard
and they're like, it's better than yours,
damn right, it's better than yours
I could teach you, but I have to charge
La la la la la
Warm it up
La la la la la
The boys are waiting ....."

Monkey loved it and fell sound asleep.

Here are some pics I took earlier ....

Peace! -

His hair is getting redder! -

At that moment, I realised he was pissing all over me -



"Soz about the wee wee." -

Monkey sleeps (ha!) in a bassinette next to my bed -



Oh, I almost forgot. HAPPY BIRTHDAY PAM!!!!!
I'm off to bed now. Please, dear sweet baby Jesus let Monkey sleep more than 2-hour intervals.
xoxoxoxoxoxox