Knock Knock. Who's there? Topcat. Topcat who?

******** crickets **********

What the hell are all these overgrown weeds doing on my blog? Is that a moth I see, flying out from the 'post' button? (Straight from Geohde's undies). Where the hell have I been? I thought once I got pregnant the heavens would open up to the sound of Angel choirs and trumpets; a life of pure bliss and joy would await; that I would magically walk around in a zen-like state, having achieved all of my goals; revelling in unadulturated contentment, forevermore. No? What do you mean no??

It's hard to do stuff. This year, my job was to get pregnant. Everything else, everything, has fallen by the wayside. I'm even finding it hard to chase up invoice payments to me - hardly earning any money at the moment as it is!! Lethargy? Depression? Fuck knows. The twin powers of fear and hope have made their home in my heart, and are, as Marcello Wallace from Pulp Fiction would say, "Fuckin' witchu". I'm void, numb, and so absolutely frozen it's not funny. I'm actually not complaining - just telling it as it is. Trying to adopt a Buddhist "not good not bad just is" mindset.

It's my birthday today. Not my belly button birthday, but my clean and sober birthday. Seven mofo years, since ..... *shudder*. Since the proper, real life rock bottom that often gets talked about by publicity-hungry starlets, but let me tell you, aint nothing glamorous about shitting your pants in public, vomiting on strangers (and then getting cranky at them like it was their fault), waking up next to a complete stranger in a city you don't know. Ewwwwwwwww. I have decided to be sociable for the first time all year, and am having a BBQ on Sunday. Actually, a spit roast with legs of pork and lamb (YUM YUM YUM FOOD FOOD FOOD). I just need to explain to a five year old why his mummy is turning seven. I will probably tell him that it has been seven years since I started a brand-new life being happy, and we're having a party to celebrate. I will tell him everything (within reason) when he's older, as I refuse to have secrets. The truth does definitely set you free - it's just finding the path to it that's the hard part.

Welcome to the world, little Cooper! May you grow big and strong and get to go home soon, sweet one!! xox