Up, Down, and Around

I read a lot of blogs. In my blogroll, and in my favourites. I have followed the journey of an American woman who went though IVF twice, got a BFP, and posted often on her pregnancy, with a belly shot every week. I can't remember if I have ever commented. Last week, Natalie lost her baby Devin at 36 weeks. I don't think I've ever cried so much for a 'stranger'. It struck a terrifying fear in me, I have felt incredible sadness for her and her family. She is still posting. Now her once happy pregnancy blog has turned into a place of grief, of the devastating loss that no-one should ever, ever have to go through. I just don't understand it. She and her husband are faced with working out how to try again, with no insurance coverage. I have sent her my silent love and support from across the ocean. I'll probably email her - along with so many others. But I won't link back to here, as I'm due only 6 weeks after she was and I don't want to cause her any pain.

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I have wondered who reads my blog, but never comments? As a creepy Robert De Niro said to a young Juliet Lewis in Cape Fear - "Come out, come out, wherever you are!!". Feel free to comment anonymously. I know I can be very crass. I'd love to have a beautifully written, thoughtful and profound blog; but alas. Obviously it was not meant to be. I come here and just let it all hang out, sometimes in a very vulgar and un-PC like way. It's the Tourettes. I have fleetingly thought that there's people who read, but tut-tut and disagree with what I say - silently. And then there's my peeps - the lovelies who read and laugh and comment (some who are actively TTC yet STILL visit and leave a nice word) ... I appreciate the feeling of connectedness so very much.

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My birthday came and went this week. Thirtyfreakinsix!!! I'm officially SO not in my early thirties anymore ... I wonder when I will feel like a grownup? When I was a kid I used to think "Man, I can't WAIT to be an adult. Then I will know EVERYTHING." Ha!! Yeah right! I just had a quiet one at home - actually, I made a roast chicken dinner and carrot birthday cake to celebrate with Mr TC and Tiger. Tiger decorated it with Smarties (yummy Aussie M&M wannabees) .... and then me and Tiger waited for Mr TC, camera ready for a belly/shot bday pic, lighter ready to light the candles. And waited. And waited. At 8.30pm, after he finally finished watering the garden in the rain, (standing there under an umbrella - no joke) .... he comes inside, exclaims "Oh, yum hon!" And starts cutting my cake!!! Quickly noticing Tigers horror, he puts the knife down, lights the candle, and nervously broke into the birthday song. I swear - if I ever die before my time, my sisters have full permission to show him his wifes blog, and he can read all about how fucking cluelessly hilarious he is.

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I washed my car this morning, and fell down the freaking back steps!! I think I'm ok, I can feel Monkey kicking around in there. Yesterday I was 30 weeks preggorio. I keep saying to people how I still can't believe that I'm pregnant. That it worked. That, after so many years of the ache of thinking I will never have another child .... that I, ummmm, think I might be having another child!? I think it won't sink in until it actually happens. Which is so cool - all I'm after right now is a healthy baby. I feel soooooo pregnant now, my feet are like blocks of cement, and when I sit down on the toilet to do a wee, I can hear the toilet seat straining under the extra weight. I get up every night now - the manbladder can reach full capacity, who knew!! I can't see my vagina at all when I look down, which made for a rather interesting time when I had to get my clippers out to trim the ole Prez Bush ... (sorry. There's that Tourettes again). Mr TC walked in on me, trimming away, mirror between my legs. I repulsed him - he quickly backed out saying "Hon!! I hope you're gonna sweep that up!!" Heh heh.

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The AA weekend was good. Not as amazing as I thought it was going to be, the rooms had three bunks and slept six people, and smelt like toilet freshener. I felt self-concious for no apparent reason, but the belly is certainly an ice-breaker. I'm seven and a half years clean and sober, which, I realised for the first time ..... is a lot. Most of the women there were under two years. I've really "moved on" from a lot of my issues in early recovery. Now I just have better quality problems!! Ha!!

xoxoxo