Heaven .... (and hell)

At the hospital ... finally! We were running a bit late. I had to take off all of my jewelry, here I am talking to the midwife. Off to meet Monkey very soon! ..... (my head was spinning, my husband had cancer in his tummy! we thought it was just a twisted stomach muscle from the gym! I was talking like everything was normal, but my head was screaming. Before we walked in to the hospital, I dropped my sister Rexs Angel cards all over the pavement. I swore, and had to bend over to pick them all up. Mr TC just stood next to me, watching, clutching his tummy. I realised he was in so much pain he couldn't help me pick them up, I started silently crying and he didn't notice) -





Mr TCs favourite trick with the camera. I told him he looked hotter than any doctor on Greys Anatomy! ... (I did a peace sign and pretended I was happy but I just wanted to curl up in the corner) -

I LOVE this photo! Actually, I had asked Mr TC to try and get a photo of my belly cut open with my guts hanging out, because I'm strange like that. Here you can see blood and cord and primal life. The operation itself was totally freaky, it dawned on me - just as they were doing the spinal anasthetic, that I was actually about to meet my baby. Laying there as they cut and tugged and pulled was pretty yucky, had to will myself to not spin out. At one point, something felt so, so weird. Mr TC was right there holding my hand, I turned to him and said "Seriously, there's nothing much left to go wrong, is there!" We both laughed - maniacally, until the doctor asked us if we were ok back there. ... (Mr TC was so weak. So. Fucking. Weak) -

Monkey was here!! At 1.38pm!! What a beautiful cry!! -

I got to have the longest hold of him! I couldn't believe how much I secretly wanted a boy, and didn't even realise it! I can't imagine having a girl, now. ... (I looked at Mr TC taking photos and just loved him so much. He was the most important person in the room, in that moment) -

His special camera trick again, only this time Monkey is on the outside! -

My beloved Tiger. I am relieved to find I love him just the same, if not more. He has been through so much. I keep kissing him as much as I ever did, whispering "You were my FIRST!" Of course Crash Bandicoot makes it in the photo! ... (my darkest thoughts have whispered to me .... are we going to end up just a family of three?) -

Monkey is TERRIFIED OF THE GIANT NOSTRIL COMING TOWARDS HIM -

I love seeing my big tough tattooed guyo delicately holding his little tiny baby ... (this pic was taken at Mr TCs hospital, right after me and Monkey got discharged from ours) -

My sister Tee took this photo, in the filthy hospital kiosk. We were all laughing at me eating hot chips and calamari and a burger ... (matching hospital bracelets. Wrong, wrong, wrong) -

There's so, so much more to say. Like my third night in hospital when Death himself came to visit me in the middle of the night. Monkey was getting minded by a midwife, so I was alone. I could feel icy fingers around my throat, choking and choking. Or the hilarious night I was tapping out "Wonderful news! Husband has cancer!" in morse code with my breast pump to my sister Tee. (If you don't laugh, you cry, right!?)

The best, most secret amazing thing .... is shown in this last pic. He is my well of strength, and I find myself drawing upon him more and more every day.

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Welcome to the world, my little R.occo. We really, really needed you. xoxoxox