"Come in. Snoop aroouuund."
- Ace Ventura, Pet Detective
This blog is made up 290 posts, written between 2007 and 2009. It started off as an IVF blog, morphing into a pregnancy blog, until it was hijacked by my husbands diagnosis of cancer in May 2008 ... five days before the baby was born. Which is where the fun really started.
Instead of deleting this blog, I'm leaving it up. Like, a museum. A testament of IVF, recovery, fear, chocolate, and cancer. I have closed new comments on here, but you can catch me on my other blog, edenland.
Thursday, 13 May 2010
Wednesday, 29 April 2009
Bulletdodger Part II
Apparently he's ok.
We have both been so worried, he just seems to look really yellow again. Even Max noticed, said, "Dad, your eyes are yellow." And he was yellow last year, before we found out. So we have both been freaked out and fucked up, expecting the worst.
The doctor reckons he is fine ... felt him all over for any signs of tumours, and gave him a blood test.
The blood test should show elevated levels of something, if it looks bad he will get a phonecall. If not, he just goes back in August for a check-up.
It's still worrying - what if there are tumours growing, somewhere? And we don't find out til it's too late? Why is he yellow? And when is he going to stop pestering me for sex?
Thanks so much for the good wishes ..... you all rock. Again.
The Bulletdodger lives to pester his wife for another day! (Seriously .... the guy pesters me for sex CONSTANTLY. Always has. I told him that when he dies, he'll be buried, but his penis will be sticking out of the ground at the cemetary because he has a permanent hard-on. People will trip over it).
xox
We have both been so worried, he just seems to look really yellow again. Even Max noticed, said, "Dad, your eyes are yellow." And he was yellow last year, before we found out. So we have both been freaked out and fucked up, expecting the worst.
The doctor reckons he is fine ... felt him all over for any signs of tumours, and gave him a blood test.
The blood test should show elevated levels of something, if it looks bad he will get a phonecall. If not, he just goes back in August for a check-up.
It's still worrying - what if there are tumours growing, somewhere? And we don't find out til it's too late? Why is he yellow? And when is he going to stop pestering me for sex?
Thanks so much for the good wishes ..... you all rock. Again.
The Bulletdodger lives to pester his wife for another day! (Seriously .... the guy pesters me for sex CONSTANTLY. Always has. I told him that when he dies, he'll be buried, but his penis will be sticking out of the ground at the cemetary because he has a permanent hard-on. People will trip over it).
xox
Thursday, 23 April 2009
Legacy
Two weeks, I have been trying to remember my recently-changed password to this blog. Finally I remembered it tonight: ANGERISSUES.
HA!!
So Dave has postphoned his oncologist appt TWICE now .... it is next Wednesday and so locked in. I'm going with him. Dave thinks he might have cancer in his shoulder - for once, I am the one in denial and he is all scared. I'm pretty annoyed. We have already BEEN HERE. We don't need to DO IT AGAIN. There's just no way he can get cancer back again, no way no how.
Back in December, when we got the "all clear" .. there was this small black thing on the scan, in one of Daves shoulders. I remember asking what it was, Dave laughing, and the doctor blowing me off, saying it was "most probably nothing."
He has a very sore shoulder .... he has been extremely active, hopefully he's just pulled it or something. Right? Right? RIGHT???
That's all I have to report, really. That is why I've been hiding and not commenting ... I feel a tad frozen. Also, the recent deaths of babies in blogland sent me for a six. Totally anxiety ridden.
I just wanted to let you know.
I will be back next week after Daves appointment ... if it is bad, I am not telling ANYBODY .... except here.
But it won't be bad, surely. My brain won't let me think there's a chance it's bad ... instead, my brain tells me to shop/eat/spend/exercise. Anything to take me away from myself. I HATE myself.
Goodbye.
HA!!
So Dave has postphoned his oncologist appt TWICE now .... it is next Wednesday and so locked in. I'm going with him. Dave thinks he might have cancer in his shoulder - for once, I am the one in denial and he is all scared. I'm pretty annoyed. We have already BEEN HERE. We don't need to DO IT AGAIN. There's just no way he can get cancer back again, no way no how.
Back in December, when we got the "all clear" .. there was this small black thing on the scan, in one of Daves shoulders. I remember asking what it was, Dave laughing, and the doctor blowing me off, saying it was "most probably nothing."
He has a very sore shoulder .... he has been extremely active, hopefully he's just pulled it or something. Right? Right? RIGHT???
That's all I have to report, really. That is why I've been hiding and not commenting ... I feel a tad frozen. Also, the recent deaths of babies in blogland sent me for a six. Totally anxiety ridden.
I just wanted to let you know.
I will be back next week after Daves appointment ... if it is bad, I am not telling ANYBODY .... except here.
But it won't be bad, surely. My brain won't let me think there's a chance it's bad ... instead, my brain tells me to shop/eat/spend/exercise. Anything to take me away from myself. I HATE myself.
Goodbye.
Tuesday, 24 March 2009
Top of the Cats
Hello.
Remember me? The one who used to blog with wild abandon. HA.
I just checked my stats, and notice that people have been checking in here. That's nice. I'm confused, don't know what I am doing, life is hard. I can see why I set up my other blog, but there is a limit to what I say there.
I wouldn't, for instance, blog about the post natal anxiety/strange feelings I've had lately. Monkey is getting so big now .... PRAISE JESUS IN A CLOUD.
I can't believe I was ever clucky. I love Monkey very much, but have second-guessed so much, in the past year. Hard road to walk. I know that I am living a life of relative luxury compared to a lot of people, but my pain and my truth is real. The thought of newborns makes me want to throw up. With GLEE, he is now on cows milk. A little early, but he has been eating three square meals for six months now. He is ready. I am ready for him to start daycare, I need to work. I need my brain and sanity back. Faaaaarrrk.
I know I have stirred the pot of haters, I can feel it. Especially people who have not been with me this whole journey. (An IRL friend asked how I got such an an international "following" ..... I told her simple - start an IVF blog, then get it hijacked by cancer. Then, accidentally write about your heroin addiction and fucked childhood, live blog your mental breakdowns, and watch your readership swell!!) It's almost like people think ... who do I think I am! Which is funny, because I think that every single day. I think I'm just honest - I HAVE to be honest, or I'll die.
Anyway, NEXT:
Pam got a BFP. I'm elated for her.
NEXT:
My stepson gave Monkey a bath today, and STUPIDLY walked into the next room to get a face cloth. Nothing happened, but he was in the laundry sink. A long way to fall. Onto slabs of concrete tiles. It makes me feel terrible, what could have been. I chastised him, he KNEW it was wrong, but was only trying to "help." I know that he won't be minding Monkey for a long time now.
NEXT:
I know you all think I'm a cocksucker re. the parcels. Or should I say "non-parcels." The real reason is ... I was waiting to get my 100 copies of my childrens book, which was supposed to be published in January.
But the date kept getting moved and moved. I found out last week that the new date is in May. So, I'm sending them out now anyway, SANS the show-offy book. But in May I will do big fat giveaway or something. Anyway, sorry. I suck, I know. I'm too embarrassed to write about it on the other blog, do not want to blow my trumpet MORE. (Haters, etc.)
LASTLY:
I'm so scared that Mr TCs cancer will come back and he will die. He says he has strange heartburn lately, which is what happened when the tumours were growing before. Maybe I need to shut up and stop catastrophizing. He has a check-up in April, but has already said he will NOT get a scan done. Why? Because he doesn't want to know.
I cried, later in my car. When I realised the real reason for my birthday party ... it was not for my 37th at all. It was my 40th birthday, three years early. In case Mr TC is not here in three years.
_____
Ahhhhhhhhhhhh, so liberating. If you have made it to the end, THANK YOU.
xoxoxox
XOXOXOXOXOXOOXOXOXO (extra kisses and hugs for anon. I LOVE YOU ANON. You KNOW you love me too.)
Remember me? The one who used to blog with wild abandon. HA.
I just checked my stats, and notice that people have been checking in here. That's nice. I'm confused, don't know what I am doing, life is hard. I can see why I set up my other blog, but there is a limit to what I say there.
I wouldn't, for instance, blog about the post natal anxiety/strange feelings I've had lately. Monkey is getting so big now .... PRAISE JESUS IN A CLOUD.
I can't believe I was ever clucky. I love Monkey very much, but have second-guessed so much, in the past year. Hard road to walk. I know that I am living a life of relative luxury compared to a lot of people, but my pain and my truth is real. The thought of newborns makes me want to throw up. With GLEE, he is now on cows milk. A little early, but he has been eating three square meals for six months now. He is ready. I am ready for him to start daycare, I need to work. I need my brain and sanity back. Faaaaarrrk.
I know I have stirred the pot of haters, I can feel it. Especially people who have not been with me this whole journey. (An IRL friend asked how I got such an an international "following" ..... I told her simple - start an IVF blog, then get it hijacked by cancer. Then, accidentally write about your heroin addiction and fucked childhood, live blog your mental breakdowns, and watch your readership swell!!) It's almost like people think ... who do I think I am! Which is funny, because I think that every single day. I think I'm just honest - I HAVE to be honest, or I'll die.
Anyway, NEXT:
Pam got a BFP. I'm elated for her.
NEXT:
My stepson gave Monkey a bath today, and STUPIDLY walked into the next room to get a face cloth. Nothing happened, but he was in the laundry sink. A long way to fall. Onto slabs of concrete tiles. It makes me feel terrible, what could have been. I chastised him, he KNEW it was wrong, but was only trying to "help." I know that he won't be minding Monkey for a long time now.
NEXT:
I know you all think I'm a cocksucker re. the parcels. Or should I say "non-parcels." The real reason is ... I was waiting to get my 100 copies of my childrens book, which was supposed to be published in January.
But the date kept getting moved and moved. I found out last week that the new date is in May. So, I'm sending them out now anyway, SANS the show-offy book. But in May I will do big fat giveaway or something. Anyway, sorry. I suck, I know. I'm too embarrassed to write about it on the other blog, do not want to blow my trumpet MORE. (Haters, etc.)
LASTLY:
I'm so scared that Mr TCs cancer will come back and he will die. He says he has strange heartburn lately, which is what happened when the tumours were growing before. Maybe I need to shut up and stop catastrophizing. He has a check-up in April, but has already said he will NOT get a scan done. Why? Because he doesn't want to know.
I cried, later in my car. When I realised the real reason for my birthday party ... it was not for my 37th at all. It was my 40th birthday, three years early. In case Mr TC is not here in three years.
_____
Ahhhhhhhhhhhh, so liberating. If you have made it to the end, THANK YOU.
xoxoxox
XOXOXOXOXOXOOXOXOXO (extra kisses and hugs for anon. I LOVE YOU ANON. You KNOW you love me too.)
Monday, 16 February 2009
It's Not You, It's Me
I'm going to stop posting here, for a while. It's getting confusing! I promise to let it all still hang out, over here. I'll just word it better, HA.
xoxoxox
xoxoxox
Thursday, 12 February 2009
A Big Fat Juicy Post
I get mortified every time I come here, recent posts are just so angry and terrible. One day, I might stealthily delete some yucky posts and not say a word, take away all the filth and stench I have spewed forth. Like a silent fart in reverse.
My mother is coming to mind the kids while we go away. We are house-swapping. She has never, ever minded my children like this. But man, I need to get away. All I can do today is two blog posts, cook dinner, and pick Tiger up from school. My head is mush. I don't meant to WHINE ..... but the last month has been the hardest, since May last year. I KNOW I have been having a breakdown. I swear to God, if Mr TC ever gets his tumours back I will KILL him.
__
Last weekend, as soon as I found out about the fires, I rang Mr TC to see if he was ok. He was at his mums house with stepson. My toe was black and purple, but I cried on the phone to him and told him I can't argue with him anymore. Just come home.
We haven't gone away together since our honeymoon - four years ago.
___
Thank you so much for your wise wise love and encouragement. You have helped my family get well again. I would go camping with ALL of you, in a heartbeat. XOXOXOXOXOXOOXOX
My mother is coming to mind the kids while we go away. We are house-swapping. She has never, ever minded my children like this. But man, I need to get away. All I can do today is two blog posts, cook dinner, and pick Tiger up from school. My head is mush. I don't meant to WHINE ..... but the last month has been the hardest, since May last year. I KNOW I have been having a breakdown. I swear to God, if Mr TC ever gets his tumours back I will KILL him.
__
Last weekend, as soon as I found out about the fires, I rang Mr TC to see if he was ok. He was at his mums house with stepson. My toe was black and purple, but I cried on the phone to him and told him I can't argue with him anymore. Just come home.
We haven't gone away together since our honeymoon - four years ago.
___
Thank you so much for your wise wise love and encouragement. You have helped my family get well again. I would go camping with ALL of you, in a heartbeat. XOXOXOXOXOXOOXOX
Saturday, 7 February 2009
SNAFU
So.
I can't believe the shitstorm surrounding me at the moment!! There was a facebook fiasco with an ex-boyfriend, who kept getting drunk and writing WAY inappropriate comments on my wall. I gave him what-for, and unfriended him. This is from the only school whose reunion I am going to this year ... will be VERY interesting to see what happens.
Mr TC ran over my foot this morning. In his ute. We were in the middle of an argument, he drives off and RUNS OVER MY WHOLE RIGHT FOOT. The tyres have left an imprint. I know he didn't mean it ... but I am beyond furious. Am taking the boys down to stay at my sisters, and after I log off here I will bite the bullet and organise some couples counselling. Because, I want to sit in a room with him, and have someone else there as my witness .... of how much an IDIOT he is. It's been seven weeks since he got the all clear from his cancer treatment ... I brought it up yesterday, he asked me was I still going to be harping on about his cancer in five years. Tells me to just get over it already. Ummm, I'm trying!???!!!! MEN.
____
I love people who have also been burnt by the Fires of Hell. By infertility, loss, grief, cancer, addiction ..... all the big fat juicy stuff. You go through that shit, and you cannot remain small-minded and stupid. You change. You get wisdom and perspective and courage, now THAT is the shit that makes a character. If I didn't know people like you existed, I'm not sure how much faith in human nature I would have right now.
Ok I have to go now. The baby is grizzling, Tiger is pale, I need to find a good therapist, and MY FOOT HURTS.
I swear to God if I can't do pump class, there will be hell to pay.
This life .......she is MESSY .
I can't believe the shitstorm surrounding me at the moment!! There was a facebook fiasco with an ex-boyfriend, who kept getting drunk and writing WAY inappropriate comments on my wall. I gave him what-for, and unfriended him. This is from the only school whose reunion I am going to this year ... will be VERY interesting to see what happens.
Mr TC ran over my foot this morning. In his ute. We were in the middle of an argument, he drives off and RUNS OVER MY WHOLE RIGHT FOOT. The tyres have left an imprint. I know he didn't mean it ... but I am beyond furious. Am taking the boys down to stay at my sisters, and after I log off here I will bite the bullet and organise some couples counselling. Because, I want to sit in a room with him, and have someone else there as my witness .... of how much an IDIOT he is. It's been seven weeks since he got the all clear from his cancer treatment ... I brought it up yesterday, he asked me was I still going to be harping on about his cancer in five years. Tells me to just get over it already. Ummm, I'm trying!???!!!! MEN.
____
I love people who have also been burnt by the Fires of Hell. By infertility, loss, grief, cancer, addiction ..... all the big fat juicy stuff. You go through that shit, and you cannot remain small-minded and stupid. You change. You get wisdom and perspective and courage, now THAT is the shit that makes a character. If I didn't know people like you existed, I'm not sure how much faith in human nature I would have right now.
Ok I have to go now. The baby is grizzling, Tiger is pale, I need to find a good therapist, and MY FOOT HURTS.
I swear to God if I can't do pump class, there will be hell to pay.
This life .......she is MESSY .
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
