Tuesday, 24 March 2009

Top of the Cats


Remember me? The one who used to blog with wild abandon. HA.

I just checked my stats, and notice that people have been checking in here. That's nice. I'm confused, don't know what I am doing, life is hard. I can see why I set up my other blog, but there is a limit to what I say there.

I wouldn't, for instance, blog about the post natal anxiety/strange feelings I've had lately. Monkey is getting so big now .... PRAISE JESUS IN A CLOUD.

Dave almost dying from cancer combined with me full-time looking after a newborn who cried a lot .. and my precious Max - I actually think it's done something to my brain. I don't feel well.

Monkey is now on cows milk. A little early, but he has been eating three square meals for six months now. He is ready. I am ready for him to start daycare just a few days a week so I can work uninterrupted. And do all the house things, shopping, cooking, etc. Like a regular person. I need to work. I need my brain and sanity back. Faaaaarrrk.

Pam got a BFP. I'm elated for her.

I'm so scared that Mr TC's cancer will come back and he will die. He says he has strange heartburn lately, which is what happened when the tumours were growing before. Maybe I need to shut up and stop catastrophizing. He has a check-up in April, but has already said he will NOT get a scan done. Why? Because he doesn't want to know. We're so distant. We all got lost. I wonder if he'll ever "come back" to the family again.

I cried, later in my car. When I realised the real reason for my birthday party ... it was not for my 37th at all. It was my 40th birthday, three years early. In case Mr TC is not here in three years. I'm terrified. I've been living frozen terrified for so long now. It's not healthy. This life, man .. it's not the one I ordered. But it never is, really, is it.