Wednesday, 27 June 2007

Comedy of Errors

A funny thing happened on the way to filling my BCP prescription today.... I handed over my form, went back about 15 mins later ... and they had lost it. Totally. Lost. My. Prescription.

Now, I'm very, very big on signs. After about 10 minutes of the seven chemist staff looking high and low, and me spelling out my last name, maiden name, and middle name, just for good measure ... I started to tear up, thinking... "Is this my sign? After all the bullshit waiting - now I can't even fill a simple prescription? Should I just give up now, slink into the Katoomba fog and delete my blog and plan an overseas trip and apply for that big job, Mr TC wouldn't mind either way as his kid quota is well and truly done; I can't believe this, WTF!!" I nearly ran over to the head honcho to yell "LISTEN HERE - THIS IS FOR IVF - IV FUCKING F AND I HAD TO WAIT 3 YEARS TO GET HERE. THIS IS NOT FOR BIRTH CONTROL IT IS FOR BIRTH!! WHERE IS MY FREAKING PRESCRIPTION!!!"

Half an hour later - I left, calmed down with a coffee, then went back - they found it, it had slipped behind the computer. Crisis averted, phew.

Just another hurdle to jump; in this crazy marathon.

It's snowing here tonight, hopefully the wind will die down so it can settle overnight. The snow makes the cold worthwhile.

Way to go Vee, Max and lil Crumpet! Woo-hoo! xoxooxooxxoxox

Saturday, 23 June 2007

Unasked, Unprompted, Unabashed.

Fuck it. It's 9.23pm on a Saturday night - what else would one do but tag themselves? Here, in no particular order, are nine random things about moi. *ahem*

1. I am terrified of spiders - more specifically, huntsmans. Eww. Can't even type that without shuddering. I freak out - cry, shake, running screaming from the room, hands in the air. Lucky I live in the MIDDLE OF THE WILDERNESS.

2. I am a gameshow contestant addict. I went on Burgos Catchphrase and won books, a stereo, and a glamour photography session ... in which I ended up looking like a dragqueen. Won a vacuum cleaner on Wheel of Fortune. Both shows I was not carry-over champ, and was bitterly disappointed. Currently waiting to hear back from producers of 100vs1. I auditioned for Big Brother last year - think I was too old. ahem. If there was a gameshow on celebrity gossip I would be champion of the universe, for I am truly addicted to trashy magazines. I mean badly.

3. I worry A LOT. Climate change, terrorism, will I get to heaven, my husband is too busy, if I go to that party tomorrow night I'll miss Greys and it's a cliffhanger. Multiply that by 100 - I worry A LOT.

4. My hubbie has no idea that I blog. He wouldn't even know what a blog is. I don't want him too. The other night we were in bed - he was, umm, being a bit frisky. I was too tired, we were both laughing. I called him a "filthy Tomcat". Fuck it was funny. After a pause, I said "I'm ... Topcat." There was silence as I smiled in the darkness.

5. The pain of my dads suicide was exquisite. For many years I wanted to kill myself too - but it's just the WRONG WAY!! And I had to stay alive for my brother. You can't kill yourself'll miss the ending!!! (Mark Twain says pain, not joy, is the secret source of humour.)

6. I have never worried about my weight.

7. I swear too much, am dreading giving up coffee soon, wish I never gave so many blowjobs. My husband built our house, I have ugly feet, believe Bono and I share the same soul (yes, really), and I'm not half as stupid as I got told I was. I hope to write a novel soon, I hate the saying "it's all good"... no - no, it's not all good. Sometimes it's all fucked. Every Christmas I put Buddha next to Jesus in my nativity set, and wonder what they would talk about. I refuse to hide my light to make others feel better; I love going to the movies by myself; I eat whole blocks of chocolate in a single bound; I will learn to tapdance before I die.

Thursday, 21 June 2007

Looks like I picked the wrong week to give up folic acid ...

I am so excited and happy, cannot believe what a difference a phonecall makes. It was like my entire life was hanging in the air, tilted on its axis, waiting waiting waiting for that infernal, final go-ahead from the BUSIEST DOCTOR I HAVE EVER KNOWN. Here's a tip - if you're too busy to talk to your new patients, then don't take on any more new patients! Ahem.

After much silence from her, Mr TC had to step in and start calling her, trying to placate his increasingly distressed wife. I just wanted to know, once and for all. For Christs sake - if I'm like this now, imagine what I'll be like at egg retrieval/sperm aspiration/hormonal/2ww etc stages?? IF I even get there! (Not to mention my HORROR at the sound of the wand monkey. Get. Fucked.)

IVF depends upon success at every stage. I have experienced a lot of things in my life, but never have I been witness (participant!) in something so .. fraught with emotion, passion, longing, heartbreak, joy. Roller coaster indeed. So I got my go ahead - in writing, no less. I am filling my BCP prescription today - perhaps one of lifes greatest ironies is having to go on the pill to start fertility treatment.

I went to jail yesterday. Down the bottom of the mountain is a maximum security womens prison; I go once a month to hold a meeting there. It scares the shit out of me every time, but God I drive away feeling so, so grateful for where I'm at in my life. When I tell my story to the mothers I talk with such a fire - I tell them they CAN change. They CAN have a better life, get clean, be good mums. Sometimes I look over at the grotty kids play equipment in the visiting area and my heart breaks in despair. But the idealist in me is still there, still hoping.

Wow - got off on a tangent. All of this waiting has given me one good thing - the BURNING DESIRE TO GET THIS SHOW ON THE ROAD. Bring it all on, motherfuckers. Even you, oh Humiliating Wand Monkey. I'm more than ready.

Monday, 18 June 2007

I Looooove Waiting

La la la - post cute photo while waiting for RE to call back to give me an answer once and for all ... everythings fine, la la la...

This was our Krispy Kreme wedding cake. It was a hit - there were a lot of kids there, and at the end of the night the bottom layer of donuts had many fingerprints in it. Got hitched at the end of 05, was a beautiful day. My two sisters (twins) were my brideseys - we had photos taken of the three sisters at the Three Sisters, Katooomba. A miracle day.

So, wondering what my blog will morph into if IVF is a no-go. Dirt bikes? Old English sheep dogs? Quentin Tarantino films? What about gameshows I love gameshows. U2 songs? (Please note - I am being purposely trite, whilst shitting pants).
Hmm hmm hmm, not worried at all ......

Saturday, 16 June 2007

Dear God,

Hi God,

As You're well aware, I'd really like to have a baby. The desire in me is so strong - SO strong. It's been steadily growing for a long time now. I had to wait for Mr TC's treatment to finish - thank You so much that he made it through and he's ok. I'm grateful for so much in my life, truly. I can feel greedy at times for wanting more - but do I just sit back and cut my losses, and be content with my beautiful Tiger? Or do I strive ahead and give this everything I have?

I have been crying a lot lately because I'm shit scared of starting IVF - but even more shit scared of letting go of my dream. I can't seem to get the go-ahead from the doctors, which leaves me in limbo land. God - I don't like Limboland. It sucks.

So - much as I don't want to ... I am handing it over to You. I hope and pray that there is a baby up there for me. But if there's not ... well ... I need to know. I need to make the right choices here, and I need Your help. I'm not in control of what will happen, but I am in control of my reaction to what happens.

I'd appreciate it if You could make my path a little brighter. Because at the moment I can't see.

And God - please, please let Monys little Hef be ok.

love TC xoxoxoxoxo

Wednesday, 13 June 2007

Cleanup on Aisle 10

In Coles the other day, I got to thinking ..... why the fuck is the tampon section right next to the baby section? That's just plain mean.

My period came late on the Sunday night of a long weekend, so obviously I'm not starting this tiny, easy-peasy piece of cake that is IVF this month. I'm thinking it could be in July. Here's hoping. I need to call my RE and tell her that we have been advised hubbie doesn't need a trial MESA. Hopefully it's my decision???

I think I'm ready: RE Doctor? Check. Manic googling? Check. BCP prescription? Check. My very own (in)fertility blog? PRICELESS.

Friday, 8 June 2007

The Good, Bad, and Waiting.

We have been told that Mr TCs chemo drugs and injections would not have affected his sperm, so a trial MESA will not be necessary. That is good. I have been told that my pre-existing medical condition may be a factor, so I need to seek more thorough advice before starting any IVF treatment. That is not so good.

So, we still don't have the go-ahead to start in June like I wanted to. But at least I have a bit of hope back that maybe we CAN start, sometime in the near future. Possibly even July. I've been so very apprehensive about actually starting (PIO shots freaking me out, loooong way to travel for bloods and U/S's, raging hormones, etc) - but after all the waiting, I guess when time comes I'll be wanting to just Bring. It. On.

Thursday, 7 June 2007

Staying Sane

You know that scene in Flying High where that woman gets hysterical on the plane, and ends up with a whole line of people wanting to smack some sense into her? Holding baseball bats, numchuckers, guns .... I seriously needed to get a grip yesterday - years of pent-up emotion came pouring out. I'm much, much better now. Thank Christ! Thank you so much for the care in your comments, I'm truly touched and grateful.

What has happened to make me feel better? In equal parts, a little bit of:

  • Perspective. I have so much in my life to feel blessed for.

  • Faith. If I have faith as small as a mustard seed, anything is possible.

  • Humour! This has helped me through many a bleak time. (See: Flying High analogy)

  • Coffee, coffee, coffee, soft cheese, and a brand new pair of black winter boots that I bought this morning.

  • Expectation. Anyone want any? It's going cheap!

So I will concentrate on getting my house ready for my twin sisters, their hubbies, and kids who are all coming this weekend. They find the cold "fun". Ha! We are going to see Shrek the Third, go antique shopping, laugh, and just generally enjoy life right now this moment. Waiting on Mr TC's doc to call him today at 1pm, with his opinion on whether his spoof will be ok to procreate another tigercub. Que Sera.

Mony I'm LOVING Hefs Robot!

Wednesday, 6 June 2007

The Infertile Fertile

I can't remember the last time I felt this low. Went to the RE yesterday, with a heavy heart and not knowing why. My RE is this glamorous, exotic looking woman. She is very distracted, unorganised, and rushed. She gave me the go-ahead for everything, BCP, consent forms, etc. Until I asked her "So, Mr Topcats sperm should be ok for the aspiration?" (He is 6 months off treatment drugs. We had already checked this with her and she said it was fine). Suddenly, a flurry of phonecalls, paper-pushing, and uncertainty, ending with a no - no there's no go-ahead. Mr TC needs to get a sperm aspiration "check", to see if he has any viable sperm. I was concentrating on not crying, so didn't even ask her any more questions, I just had to get out of there. I made the appt when I got home, they can't fit him in until the end of this month. I'm so frustrated, scared and lonely. I just want to fucking start. I have been waiting for two years. I have been so patient, so hopeful. I drove the one and a half hours home and cried for the rest of the day, went to bed crying, and am still crying. I seem to be having a bit of a meltdown, the dam has broken. I'm a bit shocked at my inability to cope today.

I have now left 2 messages for my RE to call me, but I'm not holding my breath. Evil Topcat thinks about how she must rake in the dough; Nice Topcat thinks she's doing her best.

I can't believe what a roller coaster this is already. There are stories out there so heartbreaking, so painful. I don't know how you women do it, I really don't. And I'm not even a softcock - I'm usually quite strong. The uncertainty and waiting is just excruciating. And you're not even guaranteed a happy ending! For the first time, I have weighed up whether I can do this; however the alternative is just as heartbreaking.

The waiting continues ...