Wednesday, 6 June 2007

The Infertile Fertile

I can't remember the last time I felt this low. Went to the RE yesterday, with a heavy heart and not knowing why. My RE is this glamorous, exotic looking woman. She is very distracted, unorganised, and rushed. She gave me the go-ahead for everything, BCP, consent forms, etc. Until I asked her "So, Mr Topcats sperm should be ok for the aspiration?" (He is 6 months off treatment drugs. We had already checked this with her and she said it was fine). Suddenly, a flurry of phonecalls, paper-pushing, and uncertainty, ending with a no - no there's no go-ahead. Mr TC needs to get a sperm aspiration "check", to see if he has any viable sperm. I was concentrating on not crying, so didn't even ask her any more questions, I just had to get out of there. I made the appt when I got home, they can't fit him in until the end of this month. I'm so frustrated, scared and lonely. I just want to fucking start. I have been waiting for two years. I have been so patient, so hopeful. I drove the one and a half hours home and cried for the rest of the day, went to bed crying, and am still crying. I seem to be having a bit of a meltdown, the dam has broken. I'm a bit shocked at my inability to cope today.

I have now left 2 messages for my RE to call me, but I'm not holding my breath. Evil Topcat thinks about how she must rake in the dough; Nice Topcat thinks she's doing her best.

I can't believe what a roller coaster this is already. There are stories out there so heartbreaking, so painful. I don't know how you women do it, I really don't. And I'm not even a softcock - I'm usually quite strong. The uncertainty and waiting is just excruciating. And you're not even guaranteed a happy ending! For the first time, I have weighed up whether I can do this; however the alternative is just as heartbreaking.

The waiting continues ...


Mony said...

Oh the waiting. It really is the heaviest burden. I only posted recently about "Nothing in infertility treatment happens's always next SEPTEMBER or AFTER CHRISTMAS" The setbacks are truly the biggest hurdles. TC....keep jumping those hurdles, you have to.
Wish I could hug you right now.

Vee said...

Yes I have to agree. IVF really tests your patience. The only way I that has helped me cope with the waiting is keeping busy, it has helped make the time go faster.

And I hate to tell you but this is just the start of the waiting game.

I still hate waiting though !

Take care and stay strong.

Gemini Girl said...

TopCat! We all know how horrid this waiting game can be in IVF. We also know that it is worth the wait.

I remember b4 I went to the ivf specialist my regular OBGYN kept telling me, wait 6 months. Then 2 months on Clomid, then 6 months after surgery.... It was all so tiring. I told him I wasnt going to wait anymore and went to the ivf clinic. They were going to start me that day because the timing was great, but I had a wedding out of the country that month and couldnt start. They said I would have to wait another month. I was tired. But you know what? G-D has a plan for us all. Maybe your baby is supposed to be a summer baby? Or maybe youre supposed to have twins, and it wouldnt have happened now. Who knows what the reasons are, all we have to do is trust G-D and know he has a plan.

Von said...

Oh Topcat,
I'm so sorry to hear this. What unfortunate luck. It's so hard to deal with it all sometimes esp. when it feels your partner is not behind you on it all.
My husband was the one who wanted IVF done and then mentally,emotionally and physically checked out while it was going on. He eventually came round after we had a good talk.
What advice to give? Maybe sit down with your husband and talk it all through. It's so easy to take things out on your nearest and dearest........