Thursday, 29 November 2007
Tuesday, 27 November 2007
Thursday, 22 November 2007
Other wonderful tidbits I found out today:
- My blood results alone give a 1:30 chance of chromosomal abnormality.
- Learnt, in minor detail, exactly why and how a miscarriage occurs after an amnio
- Mr TC and I don't think we will carry to full term if there is something wrong, making me feel dreadful that the baby has to grow a bit more so I can have the test to see if I'm going to ..... not have it
- I can cry myself into a migraine
- If a father figure doctor with a Scottish accent consoles me when I am crying, and calls me "Lass" in a very tender voice, I will stop crying about the worry of my baby and start crying that my real dad who was Scottish and died many years ago will never console me and call me "Lass" when I am crying. Then everything just turns turns into a jumbled mess of crying and I start thinking that I should never have tempted fate and done IVF in the first place; maybe I just wasn't meant to have another baby
- I love this baby already - my tears aren't for me but for it. I pray that my heavily increased stress and worry doesn't impact on it in some way
- Men are so completely different to women. As I was trying to make it out of the hospital without sobbing, Mr TC decided he was hungry so we went to the cafeteria for a bacon and egg roll. I sat there as he ate, using all my worldly powers to not start the heaving crying. He flicked through the newspaper, trying to find the sport section so he could see if Mike Tyson went to jail. Mr TC said later that he is 100% not worried that there is anything wrong with the baby, or that anything bad will happen. I wish I was more like him
- Amnio Take Two is booked for next Thursday - one more week away
So. That's where I'm at. I thank you so much for all, all of your comments. Imy thank you for checking in - I read every one of your posts but don't often comment because I feel guilty that I got preggo straight away from transfer no#1. I can't wait till you get a BFP - and you will, I'm just sorry it's such a tough road. And thank you Miss Geohde for your wonderful medical (and personal) advice all the time, even when you're still "trudging the weary path to destiny". as we say in AA.
I have a routine appointment at the hospital on Monday, to meet the doctor that will hopefully be performing my caesar in May next year. (My local hospital doesn't do VBACs). Don't I have a lot to catch him up on! I hope he's nice. Todays Dead Dad Doppelganger Doctor, whilst caring, was abrupt, kept cutting me off, and likened the amnio procedure to "spearing fish in a bucket. There's a very slim chance you actually hurt the baby with the needle." And I've run out of steam to write about the putrid, revolting pathologist who took my blood yesterday. Sleazy Sleazebag from Sleazeville. My sister reckons I should sue him for sexual harrasment.
It's all fun and games from my part of the world. I'm going to hide under a rock for a while; try to calm down and get through this next week. The only way through it is through it. Bugger.
Tuesday, 20 November 2007
If there IS a chromosomal abnormality - well, it's hard to say what we would do, or decide. I don't think Mr TC would be quite keen on looking after a child with special needs - but then again, who is? I know I'm getting ahead of myself, but I need to think these sorts of things ... just in case. That's if I don't miscarry from the amnio. Oh, the joys of an active imagination!
Last week, I spent 2 hours with a midwife, booking in to the hospital. SO many weird and wonderful questions!
Midwife: "Does your mother and father have any mental health issues?"
Me: "Well, my dad killed himself. Would you call that a mental health issue?"
We both laughed.
Actually, what's been REALLY funny - my latest craving ... has been for a glass of dry white wine!! First time in my life I have wanted to drink alcohol for the TASTE, and not the effect. Who knew?? (Of course, I'm not following through with this particular craving).
So. That's where I'm at. I will post after the dreaded amnio on Thursday - I would really appreciate a few prayers or positive thoughts. Yuck. Bring it on, get it over with, stupid mofo high risk my arse.
Friday, 16 November 2007
I really do feel ok today - debating whether to even have the amnio. But, alas, I know me too well. I am more scared of the amnio than having a positive trisonomy result! Here's a great idea, doctors - DEVELOP A BETTER NUCHAL SCAN, to lower the chance of a false positive. When the doc was actually doing the u/s the other day, he measured the fold (I actually forget what the number was, d'oh!) - and he said "Ok, that's totally within normal range. And there are no variations on normal." Ha - apparently there is!
Anyway - thanks for the bloody fantastic comments. Below is a belly shot that I took yesterday morning - my face looks crap because I had just stopped crying. Can you believe how big I am? It's weird - I thought I would stride down the street and be out and proud, but I feel a bit protective and always cover it up. (I only wear that dress at home, not out!) Strange too - lucky bitch that I was falling preggo on the first go of IVF, my belly is actually getting smaller as time goes on, because of the case of the mutantly massive follicles. Did you know they burst of their own accord? Ewwww!
Much love to everyone - to Mony, Maya, Stacie and Angie, who have all had their precious bubs! Well done, I am hoping and praying for you, especially to those little ones still in hospital. Godspeed. xoxoxo
Holy crap! I think I'm a bit pregnant!
Wednesday, 14 November 2007
Well, I have been still and quiet for a while now; however, my high risk nuchal result has succeeded in blowing my theory right out of the water. I feel like I have been found out - busted, just when I was starting to feel safe. I'm pissed off and angry. I have 1 in 163 chance of the baby having Downs, and now have to decide whether to do an amnio. For Chrissake - you know, I really think that all will probably end up fine anyway, hopefully. It's just this freaking worry and fear in the meantime. I'm angry at myself - for almost feeling bloody comfortable that now I really have something real to worry about. Stupid dumb familiar worry.
But - a teensy part of me wonders if all the worry I have had so far is because there actually really IS something wrong with the baby. Back and forth, back and forth. Ahhhh!!
Before the shitty phonecall from the doctor this afternoon, I had a great day. Spent 2 hours at the maternity ward, booking in to the midwife clinic at the local hospital. Got me a showbag of goodies and a heartful of excitement. Then I read the paper in my favourite cafe, ordering a burger at 11am. Walked to the travel agent to pay off some $$ for our big holiday to New Zealand at Christmas. Mr TC has never been overseas before! And, we're taking my 10 and 15 year old stepkids as well as Tiger. I am going to hold the bags and take photos while they're all on the fast jetboats and bungies, etc .... because I will be too pregnant to go on anything. Well, hopefully - that's the plan, anyway.
Mr TC reckons it will all be fine. So do my lovely sisters, who are so wise and hilarious at the same time. Watching Tiger do the air guitar with his penis in the shower tonight certainly made me smile.
Amnio is booked in for next Thursday. I have personally never heard of or met anyone who miscarried after an amnio, but it's still scary. Ugh.
What a self-absorbed post, sorry. I have been reading up on everyone, just not commenting much.
Friday, 9 November 2007
Ooh! Slammed by the International Date Line! I got an e-mail first thing this morning from TopCat, reminding me that while it may be 7 AM on the 8th of November where I sit and drink my coffee, it's November 9th in Australia where she is, and thus it's Geohde's Inaugural Blog Cross-Pollination Day! She also sent me her blog post for the day, for me to post on my blog. The ball is clearly in my court. Where's my post?
I've been putting off writing something for the cross-pollination, because I have had a big, serious post brewing on my own list of partially completed entries for some time now. And so, with apologies for the perhaps less than uplifting nature of my thoughts, I thought I'd put this out there now, before I lose my nerve and write something lighter in nature about where I'm at with my current pregnancy. And so, here it is.
One of these is the idea of things being fair. As in, someone pointing out that they've now had four losses so now they must really deserve a pregnancy that goes to term. Or that their sister-in-law is completely oblivious to other people's feelings and that they cannot believe she is pregnant again without even trying. Or that they've been trying to conceive for so many years now that it surely must be their turn.
I also see bits of the other side of this particular coin. The women who have barely begun their blogs about their infertility experience only to discover they're unexpectedly pregnant. They continue to blog throughout the first trimester, and then the inevitable post appears in which they ponder whether or not they should continue, and in which they explore their feelings of guilt about setting off down the pregnancy path when so many others have been trying for so much longer, or have experienced more losses. They always apologize and hope they're not offending anyone by being thrilled to be pregnant.
And always, you see a comparison of pain. A miscarriage brings the question-- how early was it? There's the thought that early losses (or even chemical pregnancies, which are still miscarriages in their own right) are less painful than later losses. Or that a woman who gets pregnant but then miscarries is luckier somehow than a woman who can't conceive at all. At least *she* got to see the two lines...
I think about these things a lot, both inside the infertility world and outside. Living in Southern California, we're all recovering from the recent fires that burned down so many homes. We evacuated for a day and a half and came home safely to a house that was still standing, though covered in ash. Others weren't so lucky. How do I be grateful for our luck without being disrespectful to those who lost their homes?
It's this last thought that nags at me as I read my blogs every day.
I've been writing mine for just over a year, but I already had my daughter when I started it. I have PCOS, but I don't have much trouble getting pregnant. I've had two miscarriages, but both were very early. I spent twelve weeks on hospital bed rest, but I took home a healthy baby at the end of it. I'm nearly 30 weeks into a high-risk pregnancy, but I'm becoming more confident by the day that I will again bring home the sought-after child at the end, and that our family will be complete.
So many others whose innermost private thoughts I read on a daily basis have been so much less lucky than I have. I have been silent on my blog for the past few weeks as I wonder where I go from here. I don't want to stop writing, and yet I'm running out of things to say that don't compromise my anonymity. I also don't want to leave the infertile/repeat loss community, which has brought me a huge amount of much-needed support and a sense of belonging, but what do I write about once we stop trying to have children? Do I give in, and become the dreaded "Mommy Blogger"?
The irony of this whole post is that I'm sure there are at least five others out there that are very similar. I don't think I'm going to go anywhere, but it may take me a while to find my new perspective. I hope you're willing to hang in there while I figure a few things out.
Part of the cross-pollination game is that you're supposed to comment below if you can guess who I am. Then, you can find my blog here.
And finally, here's your token bit of inappropriate humor for the day:
Having misspelled "evacuate," my spell-checker kindly suggests I replace it with "ejaculate." Even my laptop has a dirty mind.