Tuesday, 27 November 2007

Running to Stand Still

I drove down for my embryo transfer by myself, on the 1st September. When I got back, Mr TC had gone to the nursery and bought a beautiful spring blossom. Here he is planting it on that day, he told me that "It can implant, the same day you can," or something equally romantic. Such a lovely gesture - I love him so, so much. He has no idea of the existence of this blog.

I only have one prayer to Universe lately - that my baby doesn't miscarry from the amnio. I've always been freaked about amnios. Here I sit, nearing the end of a torturous two-week wait of a different kind, counting down the sleeps to go. (2). Just bring it on already. I have made myself quite comfortable in my bed of fear, grown used to feeling the panic and worry rise in me every morning I get up. That's all very familiar to me, from when I lived my different life many moons ago, but it's interesting to see how easy it is living with shit feelings all the time again.

I saw a new, improved, different doctor yesterday, for a routine appointment at the maternity clinic. He was really lovely, and actually listened to me talk. He told me to try not to worry so much; that the stats for m/c after amnio are much lower now; that there really is a small chance that something may be wrong. He booked me in to see him in three weeks, and was so certain about it that I felt certain too. Until I looked at my yellow appointment card later, to see he had written HIGH RISK TRISONOMY 21 in big, big letters right at the top of it. I am planning on scribbling that out next week, once I get the all clear. But, we can plan on many things, can't we?

Thing about stats is, someone has to be on the wrong side of them. I don't think it will be me - but why not me? Why anyone? I wish I had never done the nuchal scan. There's something to be said for having too much information. Because now I am faced with such big decisions. And is it not selfish of me to put my baby at risk, just to put my fears to rest? Just so I know? I feel like running into the woods and living there for the next 6 months, and giving birth alone in the forest (a VBAC, no less!!) with only the wild animals baying at the moon to keep me company. I feel like shouting at all of the male dickheads in the medical profession I have met so far "Pregnancy is not a disease to be treated!!" I feel like jumping up and down and getting people to realise how much stress and worry false positive results can be. If men gave birth, I bet a whole lot of tests and statistics would be upgraded - or non-existent.

During a freakout moment, Mr TC was *trying* to make me feel better, dismissing all of my fears as bullshit. I wasn't cranky - I just said "Ok hon, let's see. I wonder how you would feel if you had all the hormones swirling around? If it was your body this was happening to? If you went through all the crap of IVF, only to be labelled high risk just after the first trimester when you were feeling great for the first time in ages? How do you think you would feel?"

Next week I'm going to see the film "The Business of Being Born", which I think Rikki Lake made. Even though it will have an American perspective, I'm sure Aussies down here can relate to a lot of things. I still can't quite believe that my local hospital don't do VBACs, and if I chose to try to deliver a VBAC I'd have to travel to a hospital over an hour away. Where they would "allow" me to labour for 3 hours - and then perform a caesar anyway! All this intervention - but then again, isn't IVF the biggest intervention of all?

Phew. I will post again after the amnio. (Ohhh - deja vu!) Let's hope this time they actually do the freakin procedure this time and don't tell me to come back again next week.

See you on the other side xoxoxxo


ultimatejourney said...

I hope the amnio goes smoothly and brings an end to all the worry. I'm sorry you're dealing with this.

OHN said...

I have been hovering waiting to see if you are ok. You are sooo right about one thing...if men gave birth things would be different. For one, the human race would die out because they would never be able to handle giving birth!

I had a very high risk pregnancy many moons ago...that baby is now a mouthy 17 year old. Hang in there...

May said...

That is SO TRUE. I keep wishing men could be pregnant. If only...

Good luck with the amnio.

Fertilize Me said...

i have been bl;og stalking .. i am sending you positive vibes from the Americas ... sending all i got to you!!

Stacie said...

I can't wait for the post about you scratching out the high risk label! It is coming, I just know it.

The wait is almost over...keep taking it one day at a time.

Hugs and loads of positive vibes!

Geohde said...

Good luck with the amnio, Mz TC. Really.

It'd totally make me pack myself.

As for the 'high risk' thing, doctors are conservative. High risk is > than 1:250 or so...

I hope that you fall on the right side of the odds,



Tee said...

Hey there Mz Monaro!

Now you KNOW that I KNOW that you and your dear lil babe will be perfectly alright. Just sit tight and try not to sweat over that annoying errand you have to run on Thursday.

Cannot WAIT to see you chillin out, feeling YUGE and happy!

Love you till death do us part...

Binna Bizarro xoxoxoxoxox

Angie said...

Thinking of you.

Von said...

You were the first thought in my head this morning when I woke up.
Best of luck for today. I will continue to think of you.