Tuesday, 24 March 2009

Top of the Cats

Hello.

Remember me? The one who used to blog with wild abandon. HA.

I just checked my stats, and notice that people have been checking in here. That's nice. I'm confused, don't know what I am doing, life is hard. I can see why I set up my other blog, but there is a limit to what I say there.

I wouldn't, for instance, blog about the post natal anxiety/strange feelings I've had lately. Monkey is getting so big now .... PRAISE JESUS IN A CLOUD.

Dave almost dying from cancer combined with me full-time looking after a newborn who cried a lot .. and my precious Max - I actually think it's done something to my brain. I don't feel well.

Monkey is now on cows milk. A little early, but he has been eating three square meals for six months now. He is ready. I am ready for him to start daycare just a few days a week so I can work uninterrupted. And do all the house things, shopping, cooking, etc. Like a regular person. I need to work. I need my brain and sanity back. Faaaaarrrk.

Pam got a BFP. I'm elated for her.

I'm so scared that Mr TC's cancer will come back and he will die. He says he has strange heartburn lately, which is what happened when the tumours were growing before. Maybe I need to shut up and stop catastrophizing. He has a check-up in April, but has already said he will NOT get a scan done. Why? Because he doesn't want to know. We're so distant. We all got lost. I wonder if he'll ever "come back" to the family again.

I cried, later in my car. When I realised the real reason for my birthday party ... it was not for my 37th at all. It was my 40th birthday, three years early. In case Mr TC is not here in three years. I'm terrified. I've been living frozen terrified for so long now. It's not healthy. This life, man .. it's not the one I ordered. But it never is, really, is it. 

25 comments:

wordgirlredux said...

I have to comment with my other identity -- but rest assured its me, Eden.

I feel such a deep kinship with you, which I think you know, and I know, if you're like me, how deeply the littlest jabs hurt. I project to the world a strong face, but I take meanness deeply into my heart -- perhaps because I knew it on so intimate a level, with my mother -- I think that anyone who really had that kind of vitriol directed at them -- I can't believe they'd truly direct it out into the world.

You're a wonderful human being Eden -- radiant and funny and honest. My father had a saying and I like to repeat it often "Don't let the bastards get you down"

And as for parcels -- ask TB and Nancy who are also, like you, promised things from me.. hopefully it will arrive before your children are toddlers.

HAH!

I love you my dear friend.
XO

Pam

G$ said...

Fuck off anon. I hate people who feel the need to go drop stupid ass bombs on blogs. It must give them such a thrill. Karma's a bitch people. I doubt it was someone that was actually there, sounds like Kathy from IL again, pretending not to be.

With April around the corner, I would be suprised if you DIDN'T have anxiety. Hang in there hun, come here and spew if it makes you feel liberated. We will hold your hand.

xoxo

bleu said...

Mr TC has a responsibility as a father and husband to have a scan if doc says get a scan, full stop!!!
Fuck all what he wants his wife and kids deserve that. He signed up for all that.

Also tell the doc about the new heartburn now, make a call. The thing about cancer is and always will be early detection. I know this. I have lived through this personally so I feel I can speak to this. It is the putting off and the waiting and the not wanting to know that is always the worst thing.

Anon is a total fuckwit. I am so sorry people have so little in their own lives they have to do that.

Writing your truths IS a lifesaver, it is what makes you so beautiful and in my experience in my own blog what helps one heal and get through the shit. Avoiding, running away from, and trying not to feel or talk about it has always led to the destructive behaviors for me and most I know.

Smooches from Canada in a snowstorm.

Kimberly said...

I am not even sure I "get" what anon's shitty comment was supposed to mean. It's *your* space, so kind of by definition you get to write about whatever you want, and I don;t even see how that's self-centered. Sigh... people seriously suck sometimes.

Ha - re: the parcels - like last week I was randomly thinking gosh, I hope she didn;t send me soemthing that I never got and now she thinks I'm all rude and bitchy for not thanking her! You're sending signed headshots, right? That would be the most showoffy of all showoffness !!(do they have the term headshot in Australia? they're those actor/actress glossy photos, which you probably now and I'm stupid for saying...) Anyway, don't be embarrassed - anyone who would be thinking mean thoughts about it doesn't really merit a parcel anyway, if you ask me.

(I fucking hate Blogger. This gmail/Blogger/Google account is the same "me" as my OpenID special55k, which displays just "k". I know, as if it's a big concern for everyone that I make that point.)

Kimberly said...

p.s. XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO

annacyclopedia said...

You're such a blinding genius, TC. Truly. Fuck Anon - Kimberly is right, that drive-by doesn't even make sense. What the hell is blogging about but writing our own stories? Perhaps we should all start writing daily posts about Nobel laureates of yesteryear and the latest research into the obscure poetry of 14th century Sumatra and the wankiest radical literary theory and thereby bring about world peace and boundless compassion for our fellow human beings. Right.

I love to the moon and back, TC. And I always make it to the bottom of your posts - how could I not?

kateypie35 said...

Eh, Anon posters....I just don't get them. Hiding to make shitty comments...I mean, what kind of sad pathetic person must that be? I actually feel sorry for them.

And, correct me if I am wrong...but um, isn't the whole POINT of a blog to be self centered??? Its like an open diary - yah, DUH, its all about you. You are writing about YOUR life. My blog is all about ME. Hello? Obvious? I haven't found many blogs out there that are all about selflessness and good works to mankind...Pfft.

That Anon commenter is a dork. I hope they step in dog poo today.

Lori said...

Anon sucks.

We should come up with the opposite of XO.

So to her/him, I say, FUFUFUFUFUFU.

You, though, dear Topcat? I love and send hugs and kisses.

XO

areyoukiddingme said...

What's wrong with people? I don't doubt that you are frequently full of shit (um...baby season?) - all good storytellers are - but I'm fairly certain that you are mostly unflinchingly honest. Seriously, if you think someone is self-centered, why are you reading about their life? Grow up, anonymous...jealousy is for weak people who can't make their own lives satisfying.

Mr TC should be calling the doctor immediately...treatments may have caused additional problems that should be addressed. My FIL just finished treatments and surgery for esophageal cancer, which the doctors surmise was caused by years of acid reflux.

Cynthiabu said...

Don't give a fuck what others say, Eden. It's easy for someone to read a blog and decide they know you and then have the nerve to judge you but you are the only one who has lived in your hell/heaven, they have NO CLUE.
Next,
WHY, DAVE? Why wouldn't he want to get scanned every 6 months? After everything you both had to live through, why wouldn't he want to protect you all from that? I am totally not judging him, I know some people would rather stick their head in the sand and pretend their big ass isn't hanging out for all to see. I just don't know why most men are so afraid but they portray to be invincible because they have muscles.
Well, I have nothing but love to give you, TC. And maybe a big hug oooooooooo

Topcat said...

THANK YOU.

So much.

So so much again. I think I want to live in the Americaz, to be near you all.

Dave is scared, and says he would rather not know. Says he would not go through all "that shit" (chemo) again. So, I guess we kind of wait, fuck knows. The docs appointment is on the 15th April, I will be asking for a scan even if he doesn't. Hopefully the doctor will persuade him. I said to Dave, mate, the reason pregnant women get heartburn/reflux is because there is something GROWING in there, pressing other organs up. Isn't it? He looked at me like a total ASShole.

I'm so randomly angry today. I feel off-kilter and strange, I look down at Rocco and the love buried in my heart makes me fucking cry. I do love him. (I keep saying that, like I need to convince myself!)

Ahhhhh, it's like I'm writing a blog post in the comment section. I AM strange.

Love to you, sending thunder up from down under HA.

nancygrayce said...

Thanks for inviting me! I was wondering what was going on over here....sorry for the mean commenter! As for me, a mother of an active addict, I say talk, talk, talk! Whatever helps you, do it and I pray that someday my own can talk about it while sober! Sometimes people forget the "log in their eye when trying to pick the splinter out of someone elses".

love you from way down south in the U.S. where we would never say soda pop!!! That's for the northeners!!!

Caba said...

I just wanted to tell you that I love you. I think you are wonderful, funny, amazing, strong and so fucking honest it's refreshing.

Dora said...

Unfuckingbelievable! What a fucking ARSEHOLE! (See, I can write Aussie.) You keep writing. I look forward to each and every post. YOU ROCK!

BTW, no need to send me your book. I want to BUY it! I want to help make it a bestseller!

Love you!!!

Stacie said...

Oh, TC. I am so sorry that anon's comment hurt you. How dare that person come to your space to cause you pain! Things like that just make me so angry, especially when the comment has it all wrong!

You are an amazing woman, TC. Your strength and honesty take my breath away, and I look forward to reading every post you write. :-)

Now, as for the Mr.'s heartburn, insist that he calls the doctor and gets the scan. He owes it to his family to get the fuck out the land of denial and hit whatever is ahead of him full speed. Hiding away and pretending all is well is never the best way to handle cancer.

Sending love your way as always,

Stacie

P.S. Mwah!

jbondsgirl said...

Who the flying eff ARE these Anon people?! What do they think blogs ARE? BLOGS ARE BY NATURE SELF-CENTERED. DUH. I really don't understand people who read blogs that annoy them and then chastise the writers of those blogs for being annyoing. Click away, you dumb jerk! This sort of thing is my pet peeve. It's like being annoyed that strangers at a table next to you are talking about their lives. Hello! Nothing to do with you!

Anyway, my thoughts on aRseholes aside, please don't waste brainspace on this person. I'm a hypocrite for saying that since this is the sort of thing that has me lying awake for days but really, this person is just a jerk.

I am thrilled for Pam too! Yaaaay!

I'm praying that Mr. TC's heartburn is just overactive proton pumps. And that he agrees to a scan. Not knowing has got to be worse.

I've been thinking of you a lot, too. I'm sending large hugs your way. And I've got my palms up, praying peace in your direction.

XOXOXOXOX (<~ all genuine)
The Flickenator

jbondsgirl said...

PS~ I totally forgot about the parcels!

geminigirl64 said...

Eden Eden Bobeden, banana nana bo eden.. me my mo eden... eden!

you know we all love you. anon's just love to show up and judge- hiding behind the veil of anonymity. They suck. And on your birthday. I assume its someone you know in real life- maybe that bitchy neighbor/ ex-friend?

I used to have a sticker that said "mean people suck" - def applys here.

Love from all my heart.

Force Dave to get it checked out ASAP. It may be nothing, but its better to know- then NOT to know (which is worse in my opinion).

as for the parcels.... i totally forgot about them- but the dresses you purchased for the girls will probably be too small by the time you send them... they are little butterballs you know!

Diana said...

It's all been said above so I will just say, hugs to you my friend Eden. Lots and lots of hugs.

PaleMother said...

AHHH. E. My inability to communicate is really getting on my nerves. Last night, by the time DH got home and I could get online, the internet was down. Wanted to share this yesterday ... I follow a couple of fostermom blogs. And one of the good guys got hit with a really bad troll last week. Check out these links:

http://atlasien.blogspot.com/2009/03/blogging-anonymity-trolls-and-hatred-of.html

http://www.cracked.com/article_16765_5-ways-stop-trolls-from-killing-internet.html

http://www.nytimes.com/2008/08/03/magazine/03trolls-t.html?_r=1

No solutions, but lots of company. Unfortunately.

Ack. Family stuff. I had a pair of really good friends in college ... and once they both came to see me in DC. And it didn't go so well because one felt ... left out. That two of us were closer. She said that three is a bad number. And at the time, I thought that was bunk ... we were grown ups. But her words have stuck with me. And they come back to me now and then ... like when we moved here and DD has a little girl her age on both sides of us. And it was a disaster. Pompeii ala momzilla-next-door. To this day, we can't stand the neighbors on the right.

Ah, stepson. Yes, they seem so adult most of the time but then you remember that even though they look like one of us, the brains are still cooking. I think good judgement is the last piece of the puzzle to drop. I'll pluck your grey hairs if you pluck mine. ;)

OMG. You'd better send me one of your books!! Autographed!! (SO excited for you! GO E!!!)

You know I love you. Be good. And if you can't be good, blog about it, for Godsake!! :)

XXOOXXOOXXOO

PaleMother said...

PS. BlogHer? Seriously? In Chicago (five hours drive from here)? Around my birthday?

Things that me say HHHmmmmmmm ....

battynurse said...

So many things I want to comment on. So here goes. First those horid anon comments. As much as our heads know that they are the issues of others, yes it always still fucks with us. I had an anon comment months ago and it took me literally months to be able to delete it from my e-mail inbox. I don't know why but it did. There will always be those miserable people who must make others feel bad for themselves to feel good. Sucks to be them.
Hope the stuff with your sisters works itself out. There is I think always a constant movement in life and as things change we relate more to one person than another and somewhere down the line it may likely go back the other way. This is part of life. Hopefully all realize it and don't take it personally.
Stepson is a teenager who thinks that everyone is indestructible. While he may never make the mistake of leaving baby in bath sink alone again I'd guess he will make others. I think the not minding monkey is probably a good thing for a while. Good that nothing bad happened.
You have childrens books????????? Did you write it??????? I want one. And autographed too please. How much do I owe you for it? And yes I'll wait.
And lastly what is it with men and this fucking ostrich routine? Not wanting to know doesn't make it go away. This is NOT an option. I agree with Bleu. I'd call the doc now, not wait and tell about the heartburn stuff and if you force Mr. TC to the clinic at knife point or whatever go for it. I hope it's nothing but better to check and be relieved and not stress about it.
Hugs to you honey.

MrsSpock said...

I don't get why someone just can't find living out loud via a blog entertaining. We all have asses, and they all stink, so anon needs to quit thinking her shit smells like roses, and get a sense of humor about things.

I would be highly pissed at Mr TC for not getting a scan. Chemo is the pits, buddy, but knowing you have to say goodbye to your family when you could have stuck around if you got the freaking scan will feel much worse! You need to open up a can of whoop-ass on that boy!

Vee said...

Eden, just catching up here. To be honest I think everyone has already said it all.
But I wanted to send you a big hug and XOXOXOXOXOXOOXOXOXO.

OHN said...

Ok..so why the hell didn't I know you had a post here? I am slipping dear.

Personally, I think you are mahhhhhvalusss. Just stay you, and fuck all the haters. Some people think being a shit is their job.

I definitely will be with you in spirit on the 15th. I hope you can persuade the doc to "insist" siting some lawsuit BS or something..you know, "we have to have it for the records..blah, blah, blah. Mr TC may not want to know but good news is always a good thing to know. It helps the days pass a bit smoother!

I think keeping two blogs can be good. It is kinda like having a lover on the side ;)