Friday, 16 January 2009

Ummm, Hi.

I found a house, it was SO nice. Cute three bedrooms, back deck. But, I have no money ... of my own. So, I have to go on benefits and be a single mother, and take two boys away from their dad. I applied for a personal loan at the bank, for five grand. So numb and fucked off at Mr TC. He knew things were bad ... he starts to back pedal and be all lovely. It's just not ok. Things are not ok.

We had words for THREE HOURS today. He took time off work. So much was said, man. I told him I just want to be a FAMILY, live simple, go camping. Parent our boys together. Said I was so SICK of processing all his emotional work for him. He didn't know what that meant ... to be honest, either do I. I just know I do it. I don't understand some dynamics at play. He grits and gets through and I'm left with the fallout of doing behind-the-scenes work? I am not a saint by any means - christ no. I'm a moody arsehole. But I feel like I sacrifice a lot of myself for him to achieve what he wants to achieve. I want him to be happy! He's been through so much - we both have.

And somebody else got the cute house ... (I left it up to the Heavens. If I got my application approved, I would have moved out. It would have been a Sign. Yes I know I'm a tad off-kilter. This is Crazyweek, obviously.)

So I stayed, for now, anyway. The fighting has GOT to stop, I'm trying to find a good couples counsellor. I'm so tired right now.

I will check in on all of you over the next few days. I miss you. You are not vague, hazy figures in the computer. You are all my friends, and I thank God you came into my life.