Sunday, 11 January 2009

Who's on First?

I miss Topcat. Her wild swearing ... her nervous breakdowns. *sigh*

What to do? I can't leave this blog hanging, like spacejunk. Can't delete it, either. It's like a minefield of emotional explosions, that I simply cannot bear to go back and read, but can't say goodbye, either. She got me through.

Slowly but surely, though .. every time I posted here, I felt paranoid ... watched. Which spun me out badly. Until I got to the point where I thought, fuck this .. I will start a new blog in my real name, giving the haters absolutely no ammo. Can't hold it against me when I shine my crap out into the light. I'm still finding my voice over at my new digs .... finding a way to be comfortable sharing my fucked-upness. And I am fucked up.

I have a very long history with depression, and have been winning the battle for the last ten years, fucks sake. But right now, it hits me with waves of bleak. If I believed my head, life is simply not worth living right now. I feel like a walking raw nerve ... it is just so fucking awful. But I am also given the tool of immense clarity around it, so I can see it for what it is. My thoughts are simply not real, I am so glad that I can see that. Sometimes I get a second wind, but I can get a bit manic?

I will be seeing my doc about it this week. I think I've finally run out of adrenaline ... spewing! It's hard to read. And write. And mind the baby. And hold a pen. And drive my car. Everything is hard. Fucking bullshit. I haven't spoken a word about it to Mr TC. It's fucking crazy shit ... he's started doing 2K runs every morning, "Top 'o the world, Ma!" And I'm struggling to turn the fucking kettle on to make a cup of tea. People EVERYWHERE are telling him how amazing he looks. Today he goes, "Geez hon ... did I look that bad?"

And I felt that awful feeling in the pit again and I just turned to him, and said "Mate, you were about to DIE. You looked FUCKED."

He was so shocked. All the way through chemo, I told him he was looking pretty good. For he is such a proud lion and it affected him so. I showed him a photo of him, Monkey and Tiger in the bath. He was bald, and so so sick. "DELETE IT!!!! FAAAAAAARK!!!"

"Told you you looked fucked.'

Anyway. I have decided to keep this Topcat blog. She dug too deeply under my psyche to let go. I will post here every now and again ..... especially when I have a big rant that is so off-kilter and waaaaaaaaaaaaaay politically incorrect that I have too.

At the very bottom of my puny brain, is the unspeakable thought .... yeah, I'll need this space if Mr TC gets his cancer back.

I am not a morning person but you have to be when you have children. Monkey has just started sleeping through the night! Yesterday I just wanted to go to the gym, burn some pressure off.  I'd done all the fruit and veg and grocery shopping, in the heat. Prepared their dinner. Pureed Monkeys batch of veggies. Folded washing, homework, etc. I'm struggling, man. The gym is saving me right now. I don't fucking drink, or smoke, or do drugs. This LIMITS my feel-goods.

I was trying to do something to help myself, put myself first. I feel like I am living his life, his dreams, his house. I am flat broke and yet we are married but I do all the things? What's a woman worth?

Tiger has had intensive swimming lessons this week, every morning at 9.30am. I'm so flabby. Can't believe I lost weight after the baby, only to put more on!! Childcare at the gym is great, and it's the same people from Tigers school, I know them and they know us. A bright and cheery room ... I can totally leave Monkey there for an hour. I can take out a three month membership for $200, and the childcare only costs $5.

There are parts of me that are broken forever. It is my job to look after those parts of myself .. and I've really neglected that.

Some people in the world just fuck their childen over. I refuse to do that to my kids. Point blank. Obviously, I fuck up in some areas, but Tiger knows I will always tell him the truth. I spoke to him about how he feels when me and daddy argue - told him how sorry I was. He shrugged - his exact words were - "Well, I used to cry about it til I was three. Then I thought, it's got nothing to do with me. What am I crying for??"


There's a heat wave here. I love it. I wil never, ever complain about being too hot. I'm lying on my bed, sweating, at 9.40pm. I'm sleeping on top of Tigers bunk bed again. I love it. God I adore that little boy with my entire being.


Betty Boop said...

Would love an invite TC! Good to see you back!! :)

PaleMother said...

Hi TC!

Email me for sure.

I've totally wrestled with the locked blog issues. Don't you wish you could just lock out the people who ~know~ you IRL? Because the feedback from like minds is really useful ... and the bad stuff is isolating by it's nature. Bloggin can be so helpful but only if it never becomes a ticket to take you down. It's a bitch of a dilemma. Pandora's box.

I think it's good that you'll keep this place. I don't post on my locked blog so far, because then I might as well not write at all, but just talk to myself (which I already do). But posting on the open blog changes my voice a bit. It edits my topics ... at least so far ... because there is always the chance that what I say there will bite me in the ***. I appreciate both your blogs, but I would miss your totally uncensored self. Life is so full of people hiding away everything that isn't perfect, but who can relate to perfect? I sure can't. It's like hugging an iceberg.

I am really sorry the big 'D' is dragging on you. You are so smart for going to the doctor. I'm going through a phase of being stupid about that.

It sounds like you are doing the emotional work for both of you, maybe ~all~ of you. I'm glad Mr. TC is so much better after everything he went through. And everyone works through things in their own time and their own way. Maybe you are just ahead of him processing things. Such a drag being the only estrogen in the house. Be gentle with yourself. That's incredibly hard and you deserve so much credit.



Marie said...

I would love an invite.

MrsSpock said...

Yes, please email me with the invite!

Ah, I miss the swearing...

battynurse said...

Hang in there girl. Depression is such a mind fuck. Sucks like nothing else. I too want an invite. I'll e-mail you right now.

Lori said...

XO, my farking friend.

Count me in.

Anonymous said...

Take me with you! And that's all I've got because Sam is pitching a fit.

Sam sends Monkey nucks.

annacyclopedia said...

Of course I want an invite. I'm sorry I haven't commented yet at the new space - I haven't gotten around to removing TC from my blogroll and I don't want to be the one who leads someone to find this blog. Will get around to it soon, I promise. And it's an interesting experiment to do a couple of different blogs - have been thinking of that myself for the future, maybe.

I'm proud of you for going to the doctor and opening up about where you're at, TC. And I just want to say that I don't think there's anything wrong with the way things are going - at least, things have gone similarly for me in the past, and I like to think there was nothing wrong with me.
Sometimes, when things are really hard, we can be so good at keeping things together, because we have to. But when the crisis has passed, that's when things really turn to shit inside, cause we can relax enough and don't have to work so hard at keeping everything together. And to a heart that was clenched so tightly, relaxing hurts - it lets the hurt in. I'm not saying that you shouldn't attend to your suffering or that it'll just pass quickly and easily - I wish I could promise that but of course I can't. But you are thawing out from the most horrible year ever (and I completely and utterly get it how having Monkey made the year worse, not better) - it is to be expected that it's going to a bit of a crazy fucking ride. Thinking of you and keeping you in my prayers always.


Lisa said...

I am glad you're seeing the doctor, but dang, depression sucks. I am so sorry.

Wordgirl said...

Invite please.

*winning smile*

I had this moment the other day -- I had had a really wonderful day the day before -- happy, and then I felt this wave -- of -- as you say, bleak.

I understood it and god it's been my companion for years...and it scared the fuck out of me.

What are you STILL doing here bleak?

But, like you say, I tell myself that this is chemical -- its a misfiring -- I've either not had enough exericise, or too much caffeine, or been neglecting my nutrition... -unbalanced --imbalanced.

And you're right -- it's different to recognize what's going on...and it keeps me believing that the good days are going to outweigh the dark ones.

I wish you light Topcat.



Geohde said...

Add me. ADD ME!



Beautiful Mess said...

I'm glad you're staying here. I love to read your writing. I wish there was something to make you "magically" step out of your depression. I think it's all catching up with you, now that everything is calm. Either way it sucks!
Hugs and love being send your way!

Stacie said...

Ditto! May I have an invite?

I missed this part of you. I think that it is great you went with your real name on the other blog, but I am glad that the rebelious TC will still be around, too!

Olga said...

I'd also like an invite TC! And go see your doc quickly - before it sucks you right in. xx

Korechronicles said...

Me too! Me too! Please and thank you.

Cynthiabu said...

I would love to stay connected with you TC and I am so glad to see you back. I love your other blog but Topcat is one of my idols.

Anonymous said...

Why does it feel different over here? Not that I don't like your other home - I don't know, I just feel like I want to say Tiger or Monkey and it feels weird not to (although they are both adorable by any name). I've been with you over there, the new place, but it was good to see you back here too.

I almost missed the invite part. I'd love an invite ~ if you still have my email from awhile ago then you've got the email addy, if not I think it shows up for you privately as part of my comment?

xo, Kimberly

G$ said...

Pick me pick me pick me!! (No, not the booger in my nose...)


Anonymous said...

Shy person delurking. I think I've only commented once, but I've been reading for about a year, and I followed you to the new blog as well.

I'd love to have an invite.


anna said...

Please invite me! What is this asking of Topcat to receive gifts from Australia?! Isn't your amazing writing and friendship on this crazy ass life journey through the blogosphere enough of a present?!

Diana said...

Hey TC, make sure I am on the list!! I am sorry you are in the crapper lately. I hope your doctor has some ideas. If you need a break, fly on over to Los Angeles and we will get a coffee and perk you up!