If I could only find what category i belong to ....

Hello. I can't seem to work out where I belong (ha). Reading other peoples blogs has been mindblowing. I'm trying to not let it evolve into an addiction. You can probably guess that Topcat is not my real name. I am a lot of different things, don't like to feel boxed in to one label. I'm not even sure what the main focus of these writings will be. I have a five year old son so I am not infertile - my husband had a vasectomy, so obviously I cannot know nor do I pretend what it is like to spend so many years trying. I have read so many of your stories and I have cried for you and felt joy for you. I feel guilty sometimes for reading such personal things (I'm GREAT at guilt - recovering Catholic). I needed to find out as much as I could on ivf and icsi. Seeing my GP today about getting a referral to a fertilily clinic on the 22nd May. So today is my first step towards making a baby. Shit. I'm excited and scared.

My husband already has 3 children, from a prior relationship when I met him. He understands my deep desire for another.

I have been getting more and more clucky over the past two years, to the point where I now wince when I see a pregnant woman, cry at the thought of never having anymore, and guilt (there it is again) for not being content with what I already have. The profound love I have for my beautiful son has anchored me to the world in such a way I still cannot believe it. 

I am RAVING on. My main concern is the massive process I'm about to start - counts and stims and injections and charting and follies and retrieval - SHIT. If only there was a guaranteed baby at the end it would be so much easier ....