Wednesday, 31 October 2007

F.E.A.R.

So far, this pregnancy is wasted on me. Nothing but overwhelming worry, panic, and depression. Badly. I could write about how terrified I've been lately ... the blackness has gotten a hold of me and dragged me down. Or, when Mr TC talks about the "baby", I think geez, you're hopeful. How disgusted I am at my own pessimistic and bleak outlook. How irrational my fears have become, overblown like the freakin' Goodyear blimp. I started getting paranoid that something would happen to Tiger, or Mr TC would die, bloody everything.

I've spent the past two days frozen, crying uncontrollably. I'm annoyed at myself - I know it's normal to worry in the first trimester, but fuck this shit so badly. I'm officially over it, and will now do anything I can to get myself out of this hole. I heard that song the other day, with the lyrics:

"But the only soldier now is me, I'm fighting things I cannot see. I think it's called my destiny that I am changing ..."

I have SO been fighting things I cannot see. My biggest, worst enemy on this earth is my own head. I may have got the monkey off my back, but the circus is still in town, people!! I subscribe to an online Alcoholics Anonymous newsletter, and this week it said "Worrying is praying for things that you don't want to happen."

That's it. I'm done. I'm going to a meeting tonight, and will be sharing honestly about where I have been at lately. I have organised to have dinner with my two sisters Tee and Rex down in Sydney this Friday. I will be the designated driver, we shall eat dinner and play pool and behave badly. I can't wait. I'm going to start exercising again - I stopped after embryo transfer, too scared something would happen. But I can do it gently - even if it's just swimming. I will pitch articles, to all the editors in all the land, and they shall know my name is Topcat and that I am not afraid!!! I'm so sick of being afraid. It's like a trick - there's nothing to fear but fear itself. I have been feeling fear by the truckload up here. In hab, I learnt that fear was False Events Appearing Real. Or Fuck Everything And Run. The opposite to fear is faith.

I prayed some big prayers yesterday - to God and to my nan. I don't know who or what God is - I was brought up Catholic, so I still call him God. (And him, apparently!) .... After many years of everything, God and I have come to a certain understanding. Sometimes, I have given him the finger and told him he's a prick. But, usually, we get on pretty well. I will know all the answers when I die - until then, I just trust that there is a force up there that looks after all of us, if only we let it.

Last night, I dreamt I was at my nans house. I had made such, such a mess. Donuts, Camembert cheese - it was dreadful. But I was cleaning it up, slowly. And feeling so much better. I woke up so renewed - I love how sleep can help. I used to have the most dark, violent, despicable dreams. Towards the end of my using, I dreamt I was a rotting carcass tied to the bottom of a car, getting dragged along the road. Nice. My favourite dreams are when I'm flying - I'm so free.

Whew!

So, in conclusion, henceforth, I am conducting a Shock and Awe campaign on my fear. I will start to enjoy this pregnancy, dammit. Just a little bit would be nice.

12 comments:

Geohde said...

I remember the fear all too well.

I won't say 'don't worry', but I will say 'balance of probability more than in your favour'.

Yes, if it wasn't the internet it would be fair to throw something at my head for being so ridiculously Zen when I can't do it for my own dramas,

PS Did you get your xpol match ok? I haven't heard back. email me if probs :)

J

Evil Stepmonster said...

Sending you a >cyber squeeze< Topcat. Sorry to hear you've been feeling so down, but good on you for fighting back. I have every faith in you, but will send some prayers your way as well.

Fertilize Me said...

I am sorry htat fear is crippling you. Stand Proud , for you are Pregnant TOPCAT!! Let's hear your roar! Thinking of you

Chas said...

I was the same way during my pregnancy. I didn't tell a soul other than my parents until I was almost 17 weeks pregnant....basically when I couldn't hide it any longer. I was crazy scared that something was going to go wrong. Hopefully, after next week when that 2nd trimester hits you'll feel much more at ease.

Mony said...

I talk to my Nan in heaven all the time. She knows me better than God....that's how I feel anyway.

Geez doll, I'm so sorry that the road has been black & that fear has robbed you of enjoyment. I know so many other girls experience the same thing. It seems after achieving something we have wanted so desperately for so long, it's natural to never want it taken away from you.
I hope the sun comes out soon in TC land.
Kisses.

Diana said...

I love your quote "Worrying is praying for things that you don't want to happen." That is fantastic. Hoping you can enjoy this pregnancy. This first trimester sure is hard isn't it?

JJ said...

Enjoy, enjoy, enjoy!
May FEAR be gone!

Angie said...

Try to enjoy your pregnancy all you can, you deserve it!

Frank N. Beans said...

Totally normal. We are worrying and we don't even have our test results yet!

Von said...

Hi there.
SO sorry for the late reading/commenting. Busy busy week with all sorts going on, combined with my lack of ability to concentrate= taking ages to do anything.
My heart goes out to you. The fear is understandable. The best way I find to deal with it is to be logical.
So here goes some logic......
1. You are past 7 weeks, the critical time for miscarriages.
2. Baby has a heartbeat.
3. Baby is progressing at a normal rate.
4. Chance of miscarriage drops to below 3% with all the above.
Remember........
Be Positive.
XXXXXXXXXXX

Gemini Girl said...

hey hun- I dont think the fear ever ends. Once you get something you have longed for for so long, it is hard not to fear that it will be taken away (believe me I know).
All we have to do is try to remain positive until we are told otherwise.

I too speak to my grandmother. When she passed on in June I knew that meant that my children would be allright because there was someone to watch over them.

Hope you are doing well.

Trevor said...

Hi TC

All sounds pretty normal to me. Everybody freaks a bit in the first trimester, but IVF people freak big time! We know that this is probably it. The big one. Our last and only hope. The stakes, for us, are just fucking huge.

After three failed IVF's and two miscarriages, we didn't enjoy my wife's last pregnancy at all. Not. One. Single. day.

You just gotta dig deep and not let The Fear beat you. You sound strong enough to me.