Different Town, Different Headspace

Thanks so so much for the comments left on my last post - feel SO much better just reading them!!
This computer keeps shutting down so I'll be quick ... things are better, I had a complete ceasefire with stepson and explained to him everything he was doing that wasn't ok, I cried and said I was having a pregnancy scare and please, please just be a bit mature.
Ever since then he has been great - and all of my festering resentment has been lifted. I nearly went home - if I had bled anymore I would have. I have had no more blood - it was just that one time. TMI alert - the blood looked old, and Mr TC and I had (ahem) relations the night before. Needless to say, I know exactly where each hospital is in every town we travel to, and Mr TC aint getting NO nooky till after the baby is born. I feel Monkey kicking every day - don't know what sex, but I have a feeling I'm having another boy. Which will be wonderful, I truly don't mind either way.
I can't wait to read up on how everyones holidays went, I really hope that everyone had a lovely time.
Today we are in Dunedin, it's amazing. We went to the Cadburys chocolate factory and then a swimming pool with big waterslides. (I didn't go on them ,,, just watched).
The driving is ok - Tiger is in his element, even though it's EXTREMELY hard sometimes, it's so lovely to see him play with his big bro and sis.
This morning I slept in - had my earplugs in and eyemask on, they all trooped in my room with hot donuts, coffee, and the newspaper ... yay!! Now that's what I call a holiday!!
xoxoxoxxo

Merry Christmas!!!!

Here's a pic of our tree - I could have decorated it a bit better, oops!

I really hope everyone has/had a lovely Christmas. In point form, because I still need to pack and it's late ......

• We had a pretty good Christmas Day - except I'm quite crabby and cranky from cooking and cleaning for everyone;


• SS (stepson) is driving me a bit nuts already, disrespectful, arrogant, waking me up two nights in a row when he's going to bed NOISILY at 2am. I then stare at the ceiling for 2 hours, trying to get back to sleep;


• For Christmas lunch I made a roast beef, garlic prawns, chicken and thyme lemon skewers (kebabs), mexican salad, herb pesto, and gravy YUM


• We all watched Ace Ventura after lunch and laughed;


• Very, very excited to go overseas tomorrow. I haven't been overseas for years - Mr TC never has! Duty free here we come! We've hired a car and driving around the South island of New Zealand, staying in about 6 different hotels in different towns. I can't go on the action adventures - but I can DEFINITELY go to the Cadburys Chocolate Factory in Dunedin;


• I've been thinking a lot of those still in the IF trenches, and just wishing and willing you on.

I can't wait to catch up on everyone properly, I'll be haunting a skanky internet cafe very soon.

I had a dream that we were all on the plane and it was skidding out of control on the tarmac, we were about to die because it was going to burst into flames. Hopefully that won't come true - I also dreamt that Kevin Federline was teaching me dance moves, so far that hasn't happened!!

Stay safe and Happy Holidays xoxoxoxoxox

You had me at 'hello'.

I've always been such a morbid creature. Even as a child, I'd ponder my own mortality. After the two dead dads fiasco, my friends around me started unfortunately dropping like flies. Add the most negative mother in the world who would turn all of her children against each other ... and now I kind of always seemed to expect the worst. I think of the most awful and macabre scenarios. I've had DBT's* most days so far, in the past 18 weeks. Driving down to the big ultrasound this morning, I was working out :

a) Would Mr TC take the kids on his own to NZ if I got a refund on my ticket

b) Who would help me through it all if it has turned to shit

c) Was that dead kangaroo by the side of the freeway an omen of things to come.

Turns out, non of my contingency plans are needed; and the poor dead roo had nothing to do with me after all. From 4 cells to a f*cken superstar ..... here is Monkey -

Ummmm ....... I'm pregnant?!?!?!? The other shoe has not dropped - even after an HOUR of non-stop ultrasounding today. Monkey scooted and kicked, punched, yawned, flipped over and promptly went to sleep. Mindblowing.

I look at people and just marvel that anyone made it out through the whole gestating period alive, it seems so fraught with risk and danger at every turn. But babies do get born healthy every day ... why not my baby? It's just so surreal, after dreaming and wishing and pining for so many years. And thinking it would never happen. I can't believe my husband had sperm, freaks sake. My cluckiness has now gone into overdrive. I can feel kicking most days, tiny little tappity taps. I feel extremely blessed and just darn lucky.

You know how you have to have a full bladder for an ultrasound? Well, I was walking around before I got called in ..... farted, and pissed my pants. I half ran up the hospital corridor, furtively checking out the damage .... piss all over my denim shorts, visible to anyone who cared to look. How embarrassment.

xox

* DBTs - dead baby thoughts

Blog Botox

In keeping with the plastic surgery theme of the last post, I decided to spruce my digs up a little bit, renovate before the New Year.

In news just in ..... are you f*cking serious?????? Just another example of how warped the world can be. For the best description of the fickleness of it all, check out this post by Sara.

Better than last year .....

Peace on Earth

Heaven on earth
We need it now.
I'm sick of all of this ..
hangin' around.

Sick of sorrow
Sick of the pain
Sick of hearing
Again and again

That there's gonna be
Peace on earth.

Where I grew up
There weren't many trees.
Where there was we'd tear them down
And use them on out enemies.

They say that what you mock
Will surely overtake you
And you become a monster
So the monster will not break you.

And it's already gone too far
You said that if you go in hard,
You won't get hurt.

Jesus can you take the time
To throw a drowning man a line
Peace on earth

We hear it every Christmas time
Where hope and history won't rhyme,
so what's it worth?

This peace on earth.

-Bono, U2


Three more sleeps till my 18 week scan - I'm a bit worried (no, really!!!) ... because since yesterday I have been getting really strong pains directly in my tummy, so strong that they have been taking my breath away. F*ck I hope everything is ok in there, I'm hoping it's just pains from my uterus growing, or something??

I asked Mr TC to buy some Christmas cards - he comes home with a pack of 24 cards, all with the same picture on it. It's santa flying on his sleigh, dressed in a black teddy with matching black stockings, suspenders, and stilettos saying "What the hell. No-one ever sees me." I sure did marry one classy guy, huh? (Obviously, I can't post them to ANYONE.) Tiger spied them, laughing and shouting out "Dad. DAD ... is Santa a girl???"

Why I Love Thursdays, and the Gender Bender

Modem has now been installed, I am whole again. Thursday today, Monkey is 17 weeks old. Getting close to viability ... I can almost smell it. I seem to have stopped a lot of unecessary and unproductive worry, it's such a wasted emotion. Most of the things we worry about don't happen anyway, and if they do happen, all the worry in the world wouldn't have helped. So basically, I keep telling my head to shut the fuck up I am not listening.

It has been raining, raining, and raining here. I had our Christmas tree all set up next to the fireplace, with the usual tacky nativity setting complete with baby Jesus. This year, Shrek, Buddha, and Sonic the Hedgehog have all crowded around the manger too, which should make for interesting conversation in there. Anyway, it's so cold that I had to move everything off and move the tree so we could light the damn fire. I don't really enjoy the temperate weather up where I live. (I HATE the cold). Every year I count down until spring and then glorious summer. At the moment, I feel personally ripped off - it's freezing and the fire's on in the middle of December. I possibly could have SAD (seasonal affective disorder) ... ahhhhh, sorry. I'm pregnant, so shut the fuck up over a few clouds ....

Now. The gender of Monkey. With Tiger, I so, so hoped for a boy. I never said it out loud, because I didn't want Tiger to know or worry, (if he was a girl.) I have very, very strong feelings about gender disappointment .... my parents had 2 year old twin girls when I was in utero, my father was hanging for a boy. And told everyone so. In those days you couldn't find out. So, when I was finally born (I have heard so many times from my mother what an awful birth she had with me, I didn't want to come out, nearly died, etc etc.) My dad found out I was a girl and promptly went to the pub - for two days, what all good alcoholics do. He never visited me, and didn't want that much to do with me .... ummmm, ever.

My mother left him on my fourth birthday after he threw a typewriter at her, in one of his many violent displays of affection. Every single memory I have of him, he's either angry at me or indifferent. Right up to the last time I saw him alive, when I was 12. He loved his twins ... but me? Meh. Prick - seriously, he missed out on knowing me, I'm a lovely person, rah rah .... but it still hurts, knowing how much I let him down. Mum has often told me over the years "If you had been a boy, Topcat, you would have saved my marriage. Hic." What - the fucked up violent marriage? Irony is, I am his spitting image, even down to his posture. And - I bet I could've drank the c*nt under the table. (Not now, but in my good bad old days).

So, I guess, to admit that I wouldn't mind a girl is perhaps a bit hypocritical of me. I mean, I keep having dreams that Monkey is a girl. During one of my sisters spiritual healing sessions, they reckon it is a girl too. (Our childhood was so bad, we need spiritual healing! I'm laughing - why do I find that funny?) So, the other week, the doc who did my amnio printed off all these 3d images of Monkey. I swear I can see a penis. But, I can also see two little horns on the forehead too - and I KNOW I haven't fucked the prince of darkness lately. When I thought I saw a penis I was disappointed .... but then relieved! Because I don't care what anyone says - but girls are often more emotional and higher maintenance than boys. Plus, I know Tiger would ADORE a baby brother. Bottom line is, I truly do not mind what sex Monkey is, as long as he/she is healthy. The massive difference between me and my 'dad' is that I believe that children are a blessing, whatever they turn out to be. He really missed out, that guy - ended up dying alone in his bed and got found with dozens of empty vodka bottles in his pokey little flat, at the age of around 45.

Mr TC's Clueless Example No. 2756:
Today I received a phonecall giving me the final ok from the doctors about the whole UNECESSARY amnio procedure I had. They fastrack results in one day, but still grow the cells over two weeks to identify any rogue chromosomes.
Me: "Hey hon, we got the all clear from the results."
Mr TC: "Oh right. So what did you end up doing? Did you donate them all?"
Me: Collapsed with laughter, realising that my preoccupied husband honestly thought I was talking about our frozen embryos.

Crazy

Ahh! I'm sitting in a skanky little internet cafe with eleven minutes left to post. I need to wash my hands as soon as I get out of here. Mr TC has broken our modem, so I have been computerless for days. The agony! It's like being back in the "olden days", as my stepson would say. So, here's a few ramblings ...

I have been worried again this week, just didn't 'feel' pregnant anymore and nearly had to take myself to a doctor to at least hear the heartbeat and placate my neurotica. But I pulled myself together, built a bridge, and got over it. I rang my sister and said "The baby's back again!" And Monkey is! I can feel - movement in there, I swear. Systematic kicking, actually. Next scan is Friday week, can't wait.

I have the mother of all posts coming up. About ... my mother. I've purposely not mentioned her that much, but the dam seems to have burst and I suddenly have a lot to say. I apologise for the torrent in advance.

Ummmm, five minutes left ..... let's see, I have back fat and armfat, thanks to all of the cravings I have given in to. Food. Tastes. So. Good. Mr TC is a well built guy - but he goes "Hon!! You're eating more than me!!" (That is SERIOUSLY saying something) I looked up from my second hotdog loaded with tomato sauce and mustard and remind him that food is my new porn. (As opposed to my old porn, which was just ... well, porn, but that's what crashed my computer last year and isn't it funny what comes up when you write stream of conscious!!!)

Cannot WAIT for Christmas, we are so excited to see stepson and stepdaughter. A big family do, than Chrissie day just us, then fly to New Zealand on Boxing Day ... for 2 weeks!! I really need to write a will - if we die in a plane crash, at least we'll all die together and won't leave anyone orphans. See what I do? I have an amazing holiday coming up and I've already pre-empted the plane crash. Bearing in mind, I've already thought that if the scan is not good next week I will be cancelling Christmas and going NOWHERE. Sometimes my glass isn't half empty ... it's actually a few drops of piss being held in a paper cup with holes in it, so the piss is dribbling all over my new shoes.

Topcat & Tiger

Tiger turned six on the weekend. Six! I remember three months before he was born, sitting mesmerized and horrified watching the towers falling in NY, scared about the world he was going to be born into. And scared about how I would handle becoming a mother, after so many years out in the wilderness.

Tiger has taught me so, so much. Corny as it sounds, he has made me want to change into a better person. Wherever he is, I am Home. He is proof that Love has the power to conquer all, even addictions and depression and demons. I wrote a piece on him after he was born, and called it "This New Fierce Love." I love him with such a ferocity - I tell him I love him every day. He is such a warm, smart, sensitive and caring little boy. He has traits that are just his - not from us, but he has developed himself. He is most excited about the baby. He says random things like "When the baby is born, it will need a shower because it will stink. It hasn't had a shower for nine months." My favourite was when he walked up to me and asked me to open my mouth. I did - I had to leave my mouth open while he talked to the baby, so the baby could hear what he was saying. Tiger read out his soccer trophy, and said to the baby that maybe it would play soccer too. Such a wise little man - "Mum, we don't know if the baby is a boy or a girl. But the BABY knows what it is, doesn't it?" (I'm sure that's true!)

I haven't been a perfect mother; impossible. I acknowledge my faults, and say sorry if I have been unfair or cranky. I like to talk about our feelings, to teach him to be aware of the world around him, not take things for granted.

I wish every single mother-in-waiting the chance to realise their dream of having children.

Where do all of the Embryos Go?

The surplus ones; the ones that didn't get chosen to be transferred so now they wait, forlornly in the freezer. I must admit, I really didn't think this particular scenario through. In all of my Ivfs-R-Us literature, there's NOTHING that talks about different options for all of the .... spare babies. I'm guessing there's three.

1) Donate them to science for research
2) Give them up for adoption
3) Destroy them

I cannot bear the thought of destroying them. Isn't that, ummm, kind of like having a termination, except the only difference being they're not actually in your body? How slippery is this dangerous territory that I'm on, talking about such things?

Thing is, due to recents events aka "The Hope that this pregnancy won't all end tits up", well, I have been thinking. This baby is definitely it for us - Mr Topcat is MOST definitely done. We have eight frozen embryos. Eight genetic variations on Mr TC and myself. Eight potential children, frozen in time. The thought of people doing stem cell research on them makes me feel a bit weird. I don't know that much about it. How long do they grow them for? Past a beating heart? I don't know that I would agree to that.

Which leads me to embryo adoption. The only thing I know about it is watching an American documentary on it last year at my sisters house .... and every single woman who gave up her embryos had regret. I remember remarking on how they all seem to have made a mistake in giving them up. But - I read so many heartbreaking blogs. So many whose struggle to reproduce have led to them looking at different avenues. Sometimes, I'll be reading one and just think "If they don't get pregnant soon, I might offer them one of my embies." Then I realise that those children would be full-blood relatives of my .... children. That's a big call.

What if one of the frozen embies is a red haired girl, the spitting image of me and I get sent a photo of her and see myself, and regret that decision forever? But what's the alternative? Mr TC thinks to adopt them to infertile couples who have no eggs/sperm. Of course he does - everything is black and white in Mr TC world. Quite simple, really.

I just don't know. I came across a blog the other day of a Christian woman who urged people to remember that a fertilised egg is a human being, that she made the choice to transfer ALL of any embryos she and her husband made. They made 10. The first 2 didn't end in pregnancy, but the 3rd did. The next four didn't - the last time, she had 3 embryos transferred. One of them split into twins, and she had quads. She believes that this was Gods plan. I'm not saying it wasn't - or was. It was her choice, though. And she definitely had courage in her convictions.

I don't think there's anything Divine in me making 9 good quality embies, and another person making none. Some things you can't blame on God - just luck, or nature, I don't know. I would love to know what other people think about this, and I really hope I haven't offended anyone.

Now, as for the amnio aftermath ... well, let's just say that this blog is in danger. Of turning into a sickening, mind-numbing display of positivity and true happiness. (But no babydust - I promise.) I'm just so grateful that I get to still be pregnant. So glad that everything is ok. I feel like I've turned a corner - physically and emotionally. I feel like I have 'earnt' this pregnancy now .... I have abandoned most of my worry and fear. Fuck it feels good. My belly is growing - because there's a thriving baby in there, who I swear I felt kick yesterday. I'm still quite pissed, that the whole test was unnecessary. I was willing to not have the nuchal test, but got talked into it by a midwife "because of my age". But again, the whole thing has shifted something in me to finally enjoy, believe, and have faith in being pregnant. Just like a normal woman. HA.

A cockroach just CRAWLED OUT OF MY KEYBOARD, THEN DARTED BACK IN AGAIN. I freakin HATE bugs. I need to stop writing now.

Thanks for your support recently - I needed it so bad. I love (bug-free) blogging. xoxo

The post I was praying I would get to write .....

MY BABY IS HEALTHY!!!!!

Never before have I cried from relief. I am just shedding psychic layers of fear right now .... feels like the most enormous weight has been lifted from me.

Oh my gosh. I'm having a baby in May!

That's it - I'm done with worry ... except ... I am a little freaked out with some pains in my belly that keep coming, I think from the amnio because I've never felt them before. REALLY wish the doctor hadn't told me that "infection can set in, and miscarriage could take up to two weeks after the amnio." Seriously wish I didn't know that. I keep holding my tummy when I get the pains, and tell Monkey to hang in there and to keep growing, to stay safe. Does anyone know if pains after amnio is normal?

I feel quite cranky too - wish I hadn't had the nuchal in the first place, it was all unnecessary. Except, I feel profoundly grateful. To have even made it this far; yes it's been a rocky few weeks but I know full well that a lot of women out there have suffered much greater things than this.
But to compare pain is fruitless really.

I have started to have faith in this pregnancy and this baby; which feels wonderful. I went to the newborn section at Kmart, and had a few tears in my eyes. I bought a size 000 onesie. In yellow - didn't find out Monkeys sex. Ha. I bet someone googling 'Monkey sex' just landed on my blog.

A big, massive thank you for all of your comments, prayers, and support. The power of positive thought is an amazing thing, thanks so so much for caring. I'm in the process of updating my blogroll, so if you'd like to be added please post a comment or email
lifeoftopcat at gmail dot com

I keep leaving comments to people but blogger eats them (the comments, not the people). Stacie, I read every single one of your posts and I've prayed for your beautiful boys to get strong soon. My heart goes out to you - you are one STRONG woman!!! You too Gemini Girl, your girls are just gorgeous, their names really suit them. I hope that you get to take them home soon.

Woo-hoo!! Elation, thy name is Topcat. xoxo