I've always been such a morbid creature. Even as a child, I'd ponder my own mortality. After the two dead dads fiasco, my friends around me started unfortunately dropping like flies. Add the most negative mother in the world who would turn all of her children against each other ... and now I kind of always seemed to expect the worst. I think of the most awful and macabre scenarios. I've had DBT's* most days so far, in the past 18 weeks. Driving down to the big ultrasound this morning, I was working out :
a) Would Mr TC take the kids on his own to NZ if I got a refund on my ticket
b) Who would help me through it all if it has turned to shit
c) Was that dead kangaroo by the side of the freeway an omen of things to come.
Turns out, non of my contingency plans are needed; and the poor dead roo had nothing to do with me after all. From 4 cells to a f*cken superstar ..... here is Monkey -
Ummmm ....... I'm pregnant?!?!?!? The other shoe has not dropped - even after an HOUR of non-stop ultrasounding today. Monkey scooted and kicked, punched, yawned, flipped over and promptly went to sleep. Mindblowing.
I look at people and just marvel that anyone made it out through the whole gestating period alive, it seems so fraught with risk and danger at every turn. But babies do get born healthy every day ... why not my baby? It's just so surreal, after dreaming and wishing and pining for so many years. And thinking it would never happen. I can't believe my husband had sperm, freaks sake. My cluckiness has now gone into overdrive. I can feel kicking most days, tiny little tappity taps. I feel extremely blessed and just darn lucky.
You know how you have to have a full bladder for an ultrasound? Well, I was walking around before I got called in ..... farted, and pissed my pants. I half ran up the hospital corridor, furtively checking out the damage .... piss all over my denim shorts, visible to anyone who cared to look. How embarrassment.
* DBTs - dead baby thoughts