Sunday, 15 June 2008

Blogging as Therapy

I keep crying .. a lot. I noticed today in my rear view mirror that I look really quite pretty when I do the big ugly cry. It's like a big ugly pretty cry. I was driving home from taking Monkey on a little trip to the orchard to buy a box of apples. Except, I had no cash on me so I had to stop at an ATM, and I couldn't find one. So I started crying, but - you know how, when your husband has cancer, that you don't really cry over stupid little things, you're actually REALLY crying over the fact that your husband has cancer, and that the delayed reaction to it all has set in, and you realise that you really, really thought that he was going to die? And scared that he still might - there, I said it. And how awful it was, and how fucked you feel all the time, how the joy has kind of been sucked out of everything. And everyone tells you that you're doing so well, but you know deep down that you're actually not doing very well at all. That you HATE ALL PEOPLE with a passion. That it's been so very hard to function this weekend and you keep finding yourself staring off into space, zoning out.

And then you realise you're writing a post in the 2nd narrative because you don't want to say "I", you want to say "you" because it's easier that way. And how, you know you don't have post-natal depression because you love your new baby incredibly, but some other serious shit is going down in your head. And heart. And it really hurts a lot.

I'm going to book an appointment with a spiritual healer; possibly also a therapist. Because, I don't want to live here anymore, I don't want to do anything, see anybody, cook dinner, feed the dog. I don't want to watch my husband go through his second round of chemo on Friday, I don't want to pick Tiger up from school ever again ... EVERYONE stares at me there, it's like I'm some kind of celebrity, but for a really bad reason.

I have turned inward, holding all of my pain so close to my chest that it appears to be slowly cutting off my circulation. I feel totally betrayed by the world, like I'm the butt of some kind of terrible joke. Did Mr TC and I get too cocky with our life? Was it other peoples bad thoughts towards us?

I had to do a nappy run to the grocery store tonight, cried all the way there and back, stuffing chocolates in my mouth. Trying to eat and cry.

Anyway, so, that's my news. Same shit different day. I guess the biggest telltale sign of my depression is that I couldn't even be bothered to watch Greys Anatomy tonight. I have never, ever missed an episode.

Now THAT is worrying.


Gemini Girl said...

I love how you really do use this blog as therapy.

You know I went to therapy for 6 years and I realized something. In therapy- you speak non-stop and eventually make conclusions yourself. The therapist is just there to listen and to guide you to your own conclusions.

So i could see how blogging would be theraputic.

nothing anyone can say will make it better.

sometimes putting on a strong facade helps tc (been there when my daughters were in the NICU). That way you end up believeing the bs you tell other people- although for the most part you are crumbling inside.

please go see a therapist- it will help you immensly during this time. and if you need us- you know we are here (oh how i wish i could hop a flight to australia)

Diana said...

I don't have anything creative to say other than I am so sorry and this really sucks for you right now. Sending hugs to you and Mr TC right now.

PaleMother said...


If you get to the point where you want to read (I always end up reading frantically like understanding something will make it go away), I blogged this week about an author who was driving along minding his own business one day twenty-five years ago when a giant, black semi truck tire fell out of the sky and onto his windshield. He has been paralyzed from the neck down ever since. He is a therapist and a writer and he somehow he managed to go on to continue his practice and his writing. Later, his only grandson was diagnosed with a form of autism. He has a website where you can read his articles and listen to his radio shows. The book that I blogged about talks a lot about how traumatic events make you different and how that difference bleeps.

The spiritual healer sounds like a good idea. The hating people thing makes perfect sense.

God, I have always hated the preschool mommy mafia, even when things were going well. This year was my last year of it until DS2 starts up in two years. I'd gotten so sick of the pick-up drop-off la la la that I didn't make any effort to connect other than being polite. If conversations happened, fine. But I learned to have low expectations there, unfortunately. Why is that? It pisses me off.

My mom had cancer two years ago. I read a lot to figure out how to support her. It was one of the few times reading didn't help too much ... the books gave me something like anxiety attacks. But this one was pretty good:

Help Me Live: 20 Things People With Cancer Want You To Know.

When you are feeling up to it, I bet there might be some good online groups that might be decent support. You could check Yahoo! Groups, etc. People who have BTDT are always such a relief.

Hugs if you want them.


AOTexas said...

De-lurking to say that as a total stranger - I've probably never even commented before - I admire your strength. I know you don't feel strong or feel like you're doing well, but know that you have the silent support of strangers like me who tune into every post and laugh and cheer and cry with you. We are all pulling for YOU!

Stacie said...

The facade you put up for others is the worst. The smile you give to console them. Letting them know the real feelings you have is too hard. It is hard to admit them even to yourself. (and by you, I mean I)

I have those feelings of hate. They are there less often now. I hated that everyone else's life just seemed so much much much nicer than mine. Why was I having to go through what I was going through?

I still don't have an answer to that. I never will, but I do ask it from time to time. Late at night, especially when I can't sleep. Back then, I never slept.

Blogging is a type of therapy. It doesn't make it all go away, but it helps to get things sorted in your head. If you do add the spirtual healer and the counselor, it will help even more.

These feelings are real, TC. I am so glad you have the strength to talk about them and not keep them inside.

Hugs to you,

Chas said...

TC, you look really quite pretty all the time, not just when you cry. You're being so amazingly strong, and you don't even realize it. If you weren't wondering in the back of your mind whether or not he is going to make it then I'd think maybe you're not quite human. It's a very normal thought process in this situation, I'd think. Keep on keeping on. You're always in my mind.

Anonymous said...

I don't have any words of wisdom or anything great to say. But I want you to know that I'm thinking of you and your family often. I wish I could come and...I don't know...sit with you, hug you, show you how much I want this all to get better for all of you.

I also have to agree with aotexas, I see a strenght in you that is so admirable. And many kudos to you for getting help coping instead of escaping. (((hugs)))

Geohde said...


I think you are totally awesome.

I know that probably does jack to help just how shite you much be feeling inside, but awesome you are, none-the-less,



Flicka said...

Therapy sounds like a great idea. It's an hour every week (or however often you go) where you can just talk about yourself and let it all out. It won't change your circumstances but it might help you feel a little less weighed down.

I'm hugging you across the miles.

Vee said...

TC I am feeling your pain.

It is understandable that you are angry and that you cry at almost anything. I too have been the same and also been contemplating seeing a counselor.

I think your blog is helpful to air you thoughts and vents, I love that you are so honest here.

Big hugs.

anna said...

I wish desperately that I could take all this badness away from you. I think a therapist is a good idea (an obligatory statement coming from a psychiatrist!) It's hard to be optimistic when you're in the eye of the storm, but I'm praying for your rainbow to come real soon!

Wordgirl said...

My dear TC, my kind friend -- the part about eating and crying broke my heart and whirled me back to a place in my own life -- some things you write, when I read them I get a jolt -- I so get it. I wish I could just be there and we could cry and curse and rail against god, shaking our fists at the fucking sky.

It seems like it should be enough -- what you've been through should be enough.

I believe in the idea of a spiritual healer -- and there have been times in my life (two now) where therapy saved my life -- just going in there and letting it all go.

I'm here Topcat, thinking of you every day -- and that's no platitude, but an honest expression of how each day, I am here. I am here for you.



r.a.w. said...

I am just so sorry that this weight is pressing down on you so hard. I wish I could come over there and carry it off for you.

I'll be thinking about Mr TC bunches this weekend. And oh how I wish I could take you up on your offer of IF in Australia. You and Mr TC are too sweet!

Love to you.

Lori said...

Topcat -- add me to the list of people who is sending you love energy in this horribly difficult time.

May you and Mr TC be bathed in warm yellow loving light.

docgrumbles said...

I was actually just thinking of you as I prepared a lecture on postpartum depression - "Poor Topcat is having deal with real world trauma while having the post-birth hormonal sink..."

I highly recommend seeing whoever you want to book to talk about all your feelings. Blogging is great, but some situations call for more personal measures.

Thinking of you and all of your family.

vamplita said...


Do what you need to do to get through this as best you can. Cry, rail against fate, talk to a spiritual advisor, go mow the lawn...whatever it takes. You take care of you.

As ever, sending you as many positive vibes as I can get my greedy mitts upon.