Friday, 20 June 2008

Strength in Numbers


I love you. You. Right there, sitting, looking at your computer.

I'm so very, very grateful that I have such amazing love and support from this blogging community. I nearly stopped my blog a few times in the past year .... 'only' secondary fertility so I wasn't a 'real' infertile, guilt over a BFP after my first try .... but I kept writing. Looking back at the early stilted posts, I've grown more honest and open here than I would ever have thought when I first started.

I am so, so glad that I kept writing. You all are seriously helping me through possibly the hardest time of my life. I read a lot of the posts I wrote in the lead-up to D.aves (Mr TCs) diagnosis, it was bittersweet to read my excitement and joy, when all I have felt lately is pure horror at what has happened. Thank you for your love, assvice, generosity, and thoughts. I don't tell people that much about me IRL .... here I have just been blasting and venting, major meltdowns and tantrums, and you have still held me up and carried my faith for me when I think I have none. You have helped me not to hate ALL people. I received a beautiful hand-crocheted wrap in the post, all the way from America. From r.a.w. (pwp) .... she has yet to have a baby of her own, but she started crocheting when I was still pregnant. To give Monkey a gift. Her generosity of spirit is amazing. Thank you, r.a.w. I showed Mr TC and he couldn't believe that a total stranger would do that ... except, it doesn't feel like any of you are total strangers.

Him getting diagnosed with cancer, five days before I give birth? It reminds me of infertility. Why? Because it is just random. There is no sense to be made. There is no grudge against me, by the Ruler of the Universe. Shit just happens. I definitely believe in a Higher Power, but not a Higher Power who would do something so mean and awful. Shit just happens.
_____

Ok, so how is Chez Fucked Up TC tonight? Marginally better. I said to someone today - "Hardly any crying today!" He says who, the baby? "No - me!" My boobs have finally deflated thank GOD, Mr TC has had his second bout of chemo today (no wonder they call it a bout, he is in the fight of his life) ... he looks so pale and sick. He has just gone to bed with his spewbags. Today I bought him a really cool hat with this furry flap thing that you pull down at the back, to protect his ears and neck. He looks dreadful. I LOVE HIM. Standing in the Hattery, choosing the right one, blurting out the reason to the shopkeeper, she tells me she GETS HER CHEMO FROM THE SAME PLACE. (Breast cancer). How fucking rampant is cancer in the world! I had never taken much notice before. To be honest, cancer has always bored me. Cancer schmancer. How THAT has changed.

I've had to cook for five people instead of three. I have been compassionate, because her son is sick .... but go away now. If you're not here to help, I can't have you here. Simple. (I really hope they go tomorrow). Tiger is playing his new Mario game, he looks tired, and I haven't spent much time with him. Last night we were giggling in bed together, I was telling him that some adults swear, but kids don't swear. He says he knows the c-word. I thought, oh my goodness, am I really that bad! I said "What's that, sweetie?" He looks at me, deciding whether to tell me. In a hushed whisper he blurts out "Kill."

Monkey is crying (again) .... frankly, this crying every night for hours is wearing thin. Sometimes it's hard just to get through the freakin day, and then when he does this, it nearly sends me over the edge. I would have had SO much more patience, had Mr TC not gotten sick.

I'm hoping Monkey grows out of it. I wonder, he must have been picking up on all of the energy around him, when he was born til now. (And beyond!) I hope he is ok, I hope he still feels loved and secure, even though we are all so preoccupied.

I talk to him in funny voices ....

Scarlett O'Haras maid from Gone with the Wind tells him "I's your mama!!"
Al Pacino from Scarface lifts his whole body right up and says "Say hello to my leetle friend!"
As he finishes his bottle, milk dripping down his lips, a waiter in a fancy restaurant dabs the corners of his mouth .."Would sir care to see the dessert menu?"

My apologies for last posts Black Blackness from Blackland. I did get a chuckle out of the title, however, and found myself singing it to my four week-old baby, in a very lullabye way, of course.

"My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard
and they're like, it's better than yours,
damn right, it's better than yours
I could teach you, but I have to charge
La la la la la
Warm it up
La la la la la
The boys are waiting ....."

Monkey loved it and fell sound asleep.

Here are some pics I took earlier ....

Peace! -

His hair is getting redder! -


At that moment, I realised he was pissing all over me -



"Soz about the wee wee." -

Monkey sleeps (ha!) in a bassinette next to my bed -



Oh, I almost forgot. HAPPY BIRTHDAY PAM!!!!!
I'm off to bed now. Please, dear sweet baby Jesus let Monkey sleep more than 2-hour intervals.
xoxoxoxoxoxox

16 comments:

Gemini Girl said...

First to comment- dont I feel special?

So glad you are feeling better my strong TC.

You have yet to send me your home address lady- do so at once!

kiss that beautiful red haired baby for me.

Wordgirl said...

Topcat,

I'm still smiling from getting to the bottom of your post today -- what, me? Is she talking about me??? *Blushing* Thank you. Gettin to be an old lady now --

I love the photo of Mr TC and Monkey -- and such beautiful photos of your lovely self --

I could just hear you talking to Monkey in voices --and it made me think again how lucky he is...how lucky they all are to have you...how lucky we all are -- thank GOD you're in blogland...

Thank you for the birthday wishes my friend -- I hope this weekend brings a space of quiet, somehow.

Love,

Pam

dee said...

Fuck if I don't love that song; now I have an even better reason to love it--I can totally see you singing it to Monkey in my head.

No apologies darling TC. You've every right to get it out of you, black blackness or not. That's why we're here, to help you in any way we can, to listen, to give you a shoulder to lean on, a hand to 'hold' when the going gets even tougher. So "black" away dear lady and know that we are all here, arms entwined, to hold you up when you need it.

Anonymous said...

You have a beautiful little man there and you are a beautiful mum! Take care.

Stacie said...

I absolutely love the picture of you and Monkey on the floor! The smile on your face shows so much love. (contented sigh)

Now, thank you for saying you hummed "My Milkshake" when you read your blog. I am not the only one to do that! Whew. (sometimes I wonder about myself!) I even got Isaac to hum it, too. Talk about funny.

Anyway, I am so glad that you're feeling a little stronger today. I am hoping that Monkey listened to his mommy and slept a little better last night, too!

Thinking healing thoughts for this bout of chemo.

Hugs to you and yours my dear. And as always...much love.

Stacie

Almamay said...

Beautiful photos.

I hope that the chemo does the job with the C and isn't too awful to Mr TC.

Please don't apologise for your last post. Your honesty was breathtaking and your determination is inspirational. You deserve all the riches life can give. I hope this awful time is a distant memory when Mr TC is better and Monkey learns how to laugh.

Caba said...

I'm glad that you are feeling the love, because I'm sending it!

And I'm really glad you blog honestly, and it is such a good outlet for you. We are all going to be here, reading and supporting!

And I LOVE the pics of you and Monkey. He's such a sweet angel.

Lastly, sending love and hugs to Mr TC. I can't imagine how tough the chemo is ... but we are all keeping you both in our thoughts!
Hugs!

PaleMother said...

Damn, Girl, you look like a movie star! You're all gorgeous. Thanks for sharing the pics.

YOUCH about the MIL ... yes, her son is sick but I don't think her misery trumps yours, especially considering you've got a 4 week old.

Just in case you need it, I should send you some MIL repellent (Scroll down):

http://www.spraylife.com/repellent.html

I have always said there are a few people I'd like to nominate for a nasty season of Survivor ... everyone gets to send their favorite in-law, relative, boss, neighbor ... they would all so deserve eachother.

Loved the voices!

OMG, colic. A hell unto itself which only those who have btdt fully understand. My dd used to scream from happy hour until two or three am. Oh, the madness. I could tell you stories. I could tell you a story about colic *AND* my MIL. LOL. If you are ever having an especially festering, people-hating kind of day, let me know. I'll post that one for you for black laughs. ;)

I wish you a speedy pass on the colic. You can't even remotely expect to get your legs back under you with that going on, have mercy. If I lived there, I'd do night duty for you a bit.

They should give us a black belt awards for all of these things ... first degree black belt for secondary IF ... second degree for colic ... third degree for alcoholic MIL and another degree for each twisted relative in the tree ... and the ultimate black and blue belt for everything you are going through at once right now.

Sweet Baby Jesus, hug yourself for us, TC. I hope he's letting you rest.

xxoo

D was here

PS. I ramble for you to let you know you have company and to let you know I'm listening ... and because that always makes me feel better, but you let us know what kind of comments are best for you.

PPS Thanks for the blog comment ... I'll gladly send you the books when I'm done with them if you want them. Let me know.

nancy said...

He is just so fucking cute, I want to steal him! Thank goodness I'm getting one of my own or I'd have to go to prison and all that.

"kill" being the "c word". That's awesome. My nephew came running up to me when he was little and said in a dead serious whisper, "Aunt Nancy! Johnny said the 'fuck-word'!!!" Right on.

Oh, my 4 year old, 2 years old at the time, was in the bedroom with me while I was trying to get the laundry done. She was standing on the bed, I had a basket of clothes in my arms and the baby was on the ground in front of me. The baby was crawling and I was gently pushing her with the side of my foot, telling her to "go, go, go!". Ella, being frustrated at her little sister, tried to help the situation. She yells out, "Allison, get the fuck out of the way!". punk rock.

Is this mr TCs first bout with cancer? I ask because of your post back in the day .. "10. After much deliberation, explaining, chemo, and crying .... Mr TC agreeing to IVF. Never has someone shown their love for me like he has; I love him so much right back."

Stacie said...

Thinking of you today...

Hope Mr. TC is doing okay today.

Much love,
Stac

Diana said...

What a cutie!! Love the pics.

docgrumbles said...

You are correct - shit happens. Still, nobody likes to be hit with it.

I hope things get better.

Monkey is adorable, btw.

Evil Stepmonster said...

You are so gorgeous TC, and holding up incredibly well with everything you have going on. I would be curled up in the fetal position by now, rocking and dribbling.

It's shitty that all these random things are messing with your life right now, but once you get rid of MIL and lil' Monkey gets into his sleep routine, I hope you'll find your feet again.

Best wishes for this 2nd round of chemo.

Pixxiee said...

Just reading your post today makes me feel you are stronger. Even though it's still all around you, you've come out of the blackness a little bit. Which is good. And you might go back there from time to time, but you know, I think you are pretty special. And so is your family. Apart from the MIL who I would definately use the C word on!!!

Hang in there sweets. Thinking good things for you all.

vamplita said...

I got a chuckle out of the mention of dear Sweet Baby Jesus, 'cause I'm a twisted heifer. It reminded me of "Talladega Nights", when Ricky Bobby prayed to 'Dear tiny eight-pound, six ounce baby Jesus...'. Gotta love Ricky Bobby, eh? :)

Vacant Uterus said...

You all look so beautiful in spite of the hell you are going through. Things have been busy around my house so I haven't been by your blog in a few days but I've been thinking of you often and hoping all of you are well. You're incredibly special, TC.