Monday, 2 June 2008

Heaven .... (and hell)

At the hospital ... finally! We were running a bit late. I had to take off all of my jewelry, here I am talking to the midwife. Off to meet Monkey very soon! ..... (my head was spinning, my husband had cancer in his tummy! we thought it was just a twisted stomach muscle from the gym! I was talking like everything was normal, but my head was screaming. Before we walked in to the hospital, I dropped my sister Rexs Angel cards all over the pavement. I swore, and had to bend over to pick them all up. Mr TC just stood next to me, watching, clutching his tummy. I realised he was in so much pain he couldn't help me pick them up, I started silently crying and he didn't notice) -

Mr TCs favourite trick with the camera. I told him he looked hotter than any doctor on Greys Anatomy! ... (I did a peace sign and pretended I was happy but I just wanted to curl up in the corner) -

I LOVE this photo! Actually, I had asked Mr TC to try and get a photo of my belly cut open with my guts hanging out, because I'm strange like that. Here you can see blood and cord and primal life. The operation itself was totally freaky, it dawned on me - just as they were doing the spinal anasthetic, that I was actually about to meet my baby. Laying there as they cut and tugged and pulled was pretty yucky, had to will myself to not spin out. At one point, something felt so, so weird. Mr TC was right there holding my hand, I turned to him and said "Seriously, there's nothing much left to go wrong, is there!" We both laughed - maniacally, until the doctor asked us if we were ok back there. ... (Mr TC was so weak. So. Fucking. Weak) -

Monkey was here!! At 1.38pm!! What a beautiful cry!! -

I got to have the longest hold of him! I couldn't believe how much I secretly wanted a boy, and didn't even realise it! I can't imagine having a girl, now. ... (I looked at Mr TC taking photos and just loved him so much. He was the most important person in the room, in that moment) -

His special camera trick again, only this time Monkey is on the outside! -

My beloved Tiger. I am relieved to find I love him just the same, if not more. He has been through so much. I keep kissing him as much as I ever did, whispering "You were my FIRST!" Of course Crash Bandicoot makes it in the photo! ... (my darkest thoughts have whispered to me .... are we going to end up just a family of three?) -


I love seeing my big tough tattooed guyo delicately holding his little tiny baby ... (this pic was taken at Mr TCs hospital, right after me and Monkey got discharged from ours) -

My sister Tee took this photo, in the filthy hospital kiosk. We were all laughing at me eating hot chips and calamari and a burger ... (matching hospital bracelets. Wrong, wrong, wrong) -

There's so, so much more to say. Like my third night in hospital when Death himself came to visit me in the middle of the night. Monkey was getting minded by a midwife, so I was alone. I could feel icy fingers around my throat, choking and choking. Or the hilarious night I was tapping out "Wonderful news! Husband has cancer!" in morse code with my breast pump to my sister Tee. (If you don't laugh, you cry, right!?)

The best, most secret amazing thing .... is shown in this last pic. He is my well of strength, and I find myself drawing upon him more and more every day.


Welcome to the world, my little R.occo. We really, really needed you. xoxoxox


Vee said...

I love your honesty.
The photos are fabulous! You are a gorgeous family.

Flicka said...

I am crying with and for you...I honestly don't know what else to say. I'm thinking of all of you.

JJ said...

Thank you for sharing this special and difficult time with us, topcat. R is so and all your boys make a beautiful family!

JJ said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Fertilized said...

You have me all in tears. You are such a source of energy. I think rocco is fantastically perfect. Sending healing thoughts to you and mr TC

Angie said...

R is so handsome. Thinking of you and yours.

Chas said...

This is exciting (the baby) and heartbreaking (the hubby) all at the same time...I don't know whether to smile or cry. You guys are in my prayers all the time.

Almamay said...

Monkey is simply fantastic. The world truly did need him. I am sending you my thoughts.

r.a.w. said...

So many emotions in one post! Your family is beautiful - I find it hilarious how Crash Bandicoot finds his way into your photos.

Thinking of you.

Anonymous said...

Your family is beautiful.


OHN said...

Look at that little angel. My middle son saved me from a complete meltdown about a terrible event for me at the time he was born. I hope R*occo gives you the same strength.

docgrumbles said...

Hoping for the best for and Mr. TC. He is adorable!

Mony said...

All beautiful photo's.
Thanks for sharing so much.

Stacie said...

TC, Ro.cco is beautiful. You are being pulled in such different extremes. Happiness. Saddness. Heaven. Hell. It is mind blowing when you are trying to deal with the daily grind of living. I so wish this wasn't happening to your family. But, I will say this again, and I will say this every chance I get, you are strong. You can do this. Even when you don't think you can take another moment of any of this maddness, you will do what needs to be done. You are the wife. You are the mother. You are the woman. You are strong.

I continue to send you positive thoughts and only good wishes...

Much love,

Gemini Girl said...

mwa tc- sending you love from israel. just got on the comp now to see the update. you have been in my thoughts and prayers this entire time. so glad monkey is ok... thinking and praying for mr tc. will be home soon and need to know everything.

dee said...

Your men are all gorgeous and so very strong, as are you.

My heart is with you all across the miles.

Caba said...

I can't help but cry. With happiness, with sadness, with anger for you all. I just think you are amazing, as is the unbelievable Mr TC ... And R is just BEAUTIFUL and perfect ... him and Monkey will be thick as thieves ... and it's going to be AMAZING!

Caba said...

I can't help but cry. With happiness, with sadness, with anger for you all. I just think you are amazing, as is the unbelievable Mr TC ... And R is just BEAUTIFUL and perfect ... him and Monkey will be thick as thieves ... and it's going to be AMAZING!

Wordgirl said...

Topcat, you, my dear -- how kind your comment on my blog was -- and you, dealing with so much...I was overcome with your thoughtfulness, truly, and have read these entries many, many times wanting to comment and say the very right thing, to tell you how amazing you are, how beautiful your family is, how much strength and love I am directing your way...

Topcat I am thinking of you all every day -- and that is no exaggeration.

With love and hope,


waitinginline said...

My heart goes out to you and the men in your life. How lucky they all are to have such a strong and beautiful woman in their life, taking care of them. I cannot even begin to imagine the storm of emotions that you're going through.

I'm sending you all the wonderful positive thoughts that I can muster!!! (and then some)

nancy said...

Heartwarming story. Great pictures. Rocco is amazing. Gorgeous. A little miracle for you all right now.

Fuck TC. Why does this have to be happening to your family? You already went through your shit. You already had your penance. Every piece of my soul aches for you and I want everything to be okay for you all.

You just keep living everyday with that love of yours. Don't spend your time thinking of the whatifs. Spend the days in your now. Love all your men with all your being.

Stacie said...

Thinking of you today and sending love as always. Hugs.

chicklet said...

Super cute.