My goodness, what a long time between drinks ... HA!! Sorry I have been remiss in the posting arena - a) my internet has been dodgy b) school holidays and c) a dog ate my homework. Actually, I've been thinking a lot of my previous post, and how it all just came bursting out. Thanks to you who left such warm, accepting and uplifting comments. It helps me stay true to myself and not be so ashamed of my past.
I notice this is my sixty-ninth post. 69 heh heh. Poor Mr TC has had no action in that department since my follicles were ripe and juicy and ready for the plucking. Parched indeed!
Apparently, I still have the tiny embie on board. 5 more sleeps until my scan, the sweet, glorious scan of enlightenment. I cannot WAIT. But wait I must. I have symptoms - on and off. I've felt brief periods of nausea. My new favourite meal is from McD0nalds (or, as Tiger would say, McDomino's) ...... consisting of a six pack of nuggets laid neatly sandwiched inside a quarter pounder. Thank God the nearest outlet is 40 minutes away, or I'd eat it every day. Also, I've laid right off the chocolate and am going for anything salty and tasty. Hormones have kicked in too ...... poor, poor Mr TC. He's away for 10 days at the moment (RUN! RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!!!) I always blamed my intense feelings of anger during my time carrying Tiger on the fact that I was oly 4 months clean & sober. That seems not to be the case at all. I am an angry, moody psycho. Must maintain an exercise regime. Maybe meditation. Maybe a locked cupboard.
Of course, every morning I wake up and do NOT feel preggers in the slightest. Trying not to get upset or worried so much. Mr TC rang this morning from his African drumming camp - I told him my concerns. In his wonderfully blunt way, he said "Look hon, you're past the point of am I, aren't I. You definitely are - and if there's something wrong and the baby is deformed, well, we wouldn't want it born anyway so it's all for the best".
It appears I strangely felt better after that.
I finally have told Tiger. We were swimming at a pool, no-one else was there so I thought it was a good a time as any. He couldn't believe it, he was so, so excited. "Can I name it? I know - let's call it ... ummm .... ummmm," looking around at the pool and spa "Let's call it swimmer!" Considering the state of his fathers very own swimmers ... it was quite apt indeed. He thinks he can feel it kicking already, and kisses it hello in the mornings. He wants it to be a boy so he can put it's hat on backwards and teach it to "Peace Out, Y'all".
LOTS of people now know. I'm uneasy about it - but I'm seriously showing so much! I think that's a good sign, it's already making it's presence known in the world. I desperately hope that I don't have to untell people. I've made a pact with myself that if I see the beating heart next week, that's it. No more ridiculous, unhealthy, obsessive worrying about if it's still alive.
I'm still shocked and surprised by this - I can picture myself turning to hubby during it's Bridal Waltz, saying "I can't BELIEVE you had sperm!!!"
Wednesday, 3 October 2007
Wednesday, 26 September 2007
A Most Incredible Adventure ...
Once upon a time, a red-haired girl was having a dreadful childhood. When she turned 16, her stepfather of eleven years killed himself. This happened four years after her "real" father had died of his alcoholism. So, it's fair to say that family life at that time was dreadful. The love she had for her younger brother kept her going - never before had she felt so black. Finally she was growing closer to her two older sisters, but they packed up their pain and grief and took it to the big smoke. The mother was a violent, nasty, self-obsessed bullying alcoholic.
So, a friend of this girl offered her a ticket to go and see a band that were playing at Sydney's Entertainment Centre. She went, not too excited, but glad to get out of the house and do something different. The band was called U2. The red-haired girl went with her friends and her cousin, sat in the second back row ..... and was absolutely blown away. Something happened - Grace, maybe. Her soul was filled to the brim of Power, Love, Faith. U2 have a world-wide reputation for touching their audience extremely intimately, and that night in 1989, this girl got given an outpouring of Hope injected into her soul. She will never forget it. Bono's voice cut through all the black, giving her a glimpse of light.
Now, this girl was itching to finish school and get the hell out of the hell that was home. She left her poor bro, and didn't look back. Finally - she could start taking drugs and drinking EVERY NIGHT, just the way she wanted to. Now she could be happy! The highs were so high! She was funny, pretty, with the longest, reddest, wild red hair you will ever see. She was also angry, bitter, dark, and melancholy. The lows didn't take long. The comedowns, regrets - she quickly grew out of control. Through all of these wild years, she always went to see U2 when they came to town. Always drunk and high - they still reached her. She had all of their albums, knew all of the words. How did they manage to write songs especially for her? (Please, Daddy's Gonna Pay for Your Crashed Car, Stay Faraway So Close).
By now, the girl was living in a wasteland. Gaunt and empty and broken, she started doing the detox and rehab shuffle. Once, she got locked up in a psych ward for trying to kill herself. She knew she had problems - but what was the cause? The unforgiving start to her life, or the booze and drugs? She would drink and drink and drink and pop pills - but one day discovered that just one shot of junk would take her exactly where she wanted to go - complete oblivion. She was a mess, a lost cause, a basket case. She was the person you would look at on the street and quickly avert your eyes from. But there was always the U2 songs - Bono would sing to her, lull her to sleep, give her hope.
Finally, after many, many years out in the wilderness, she knew she had do something. She entered rehab - for the last time. On that same day, U2 released an album full of amazingly hopeful songs of renewal, and grace. (All That You Can't Leave Behind). She ran to buy it before she went in to rehab (again!) and would listen to every track every night under the covers at bedtime, crying and praying. Her boyfriend of eight months (Mr TC) promised he would wait for her. She hoped and wished for her poor head and heart to get better. Songs like Walk on and Grace helped her immeasurably.
Well, what happened when she got out of rehab? She accidently fell pregnant! Everyone around her was aghast - EVERYONE - but, she knew, for the first time in her life, that she was ok. This will be ok, she would tell herself, as her belly swelled. But, she was worried. What if she was only staying clean while she was pregnant? What if - what if. Her stepson came to live with them too - suddenly, she had her own family. It was so important to stop thinking of herself and her own pain, and start taking care of others. She grew - spiritually, emotionally. She talked to like-minded people of her experiences. She became honest. She was so clean, so fragile. The baby came. She was saved by a power of a love she had never known before. Holding him close, breathing his breath. Grace.
A U2 concert was announced! But then cancelled. The girl became a woman. Respected, loved. She started writing - she always wanted to be a writer when she grew up - not a junkie! Finally, U2 were definitely coming. She was having a particularly dreadful year - her husband was very sick, her marriage in a bit of strife. And all she could think about, was the ache in her soul for another baby. She hadn't felt such sadness for years.
The day of the concert - she got to the stadium at 6.30am. There was only a few people there. Feeling a bit self-conscious - she was a grown woman! A mother! She quickly made friends, and waited the whole day in the blazing heat to get as close to the Best Band in the World as possible. Finally, they opened the gates. She ran, and ran, and ran. FRONT OF THE STAGE!!! At the end of the catwalk!!! Giddy, and high, and excited - she waited.
Now, the start-up song came on, lights went down. Behind her, were 60,ooo people. Never, ever, had she felt so elated, so triumphant, and so awestruck. And - not a drink or drug in sight!!! Bono walked on stage - walked, walked - when she realised that he was so close she could reach out and touch him, she cried and cried. Words cannot describe the concert that night. Every lyric, every song, every heartbeat. Every rotten thing that had happened, every miracle, every tear. It was all there and all accounted for. A celebration of life! Her soul was in a Rapture.
Halfway through the concert, Bono was walking slowly up to me. (Yes - this story is true and about me. Did you guess? Ha!) He stopped in front of me, knelt down, and gently took my hand. The crowd crushed me from behind. He was singing a song called "Love and Peace or Else". He stayed there, kneeling, looking deeply into my startled soul for about twenty seconds. It seemed like an eternity. We stared at each other. I was smiling (serenely, I got told later); thanking him with my eyes.
This was no accident. It was like my reward. I could feel Angels, whispering. The birth of my son was the most life-changing, love-giving moment. But that night was just ..... indescribable. Powerful, affirming, intense .... it took me a whole lifetime to get there.
If Bono can stop a concert to kneel down and hold my hand ..... ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE, in this crazy, scary, amazing, mysterious world. Anything.
** Wow - that was a bit long, and I had to stop a few times to cry. Must be the hormones! I feel so grateful and amazed for where I am at in my life right now. I can't believe it, truly. Tomorrow I will be 6 weeks pregnant. I'm still shocked that this has actually happened. I can be such a morbid thing - for many years, I would wonder what stage of decomposition my fathers body was in as it lay in his coffin beneath the earth. I'm used to being negative about things - I want this pregnancy to work out so much, the thought of a miscarriage or a blighted ovum or downs .... frankly, is scaring the hell outta me. So different when I had Tiger - I pissed on a stick and wondered what pram to buy!! Oh, how I'd love some of that sunny optimism now!!!
Whew - well done on making it through this whole post, thank you. It's dedicated to anyone who has overcome, or is still experiencing adversity in their lives. Infertility is a bit like drug addiction - hell to go through, can either make you or break you. Makes you a stronger, deeper, and less-judgemental person. Maybe infertility is worse - a drug addict can give up at any time. (Plus, at least you get high!!)
To a fellow U2-lover, Von, who has the joy of being in her 2WW. Go Thelma and Louise!!
Here are some pics .....
Ok - see the big manhand that Bono is about to grab? That. Is. My. Hand.
Jubilant, but a bit ugly! Can't believe I was so close!
All the people behind me.
I took this photo
Me and my Beloved Tiger
So, a friend of this girl offered her a ticket to go and see a band that were playing at Sydney's Entertainment Centre. She went, not too excited, but glad to get out of the house and do something different. The band was called U2. The red-haired girl went with her friends and her cousin, sat in the second back row ..... and was absolutely blown away. Something happened - Grace, maybe. Her soul was filled to the brim of Power, Love, Faith. U2 have a world-wide reputation for touching their audience extremely intimately, and that night in 1989, this girl got given an outpouring of Hope injected into her soul. She will never forget it. Bono's voice cut through all the black, giving her a glimpse of light.
Now, this girl was itching to finish school and get the hell out of the hell that was home. She left her poor bro, and didn't look back. Finally - she could start taking drugs and drinking EVERY NIGHT, just the way she wanted to. Now she could be happy! The highs were so high! She was funny, pretty, with the longest, reddest, wild red hair you will ever see. She was also angry, bitter, dark, and melancholy. The lows didn't take long. The comedowns, regrets - she quickly grew out of control. Through all of these wild years, she always went to see U2 when they came to town. Always drunk and high - they still reached her. She had all of their albums, knew all of the words. How did they manage to write songs especially for her? (Please, Daddy's Gonna Pay for Your Crashed Car, Stay Faraway So Close).
By now, the girl was living in a wasteland. Gaunt and empty and broken, she started doing the detox and rehab shuffle. Once, she got locked up in a psych ward for trying to kill herself. She knew she had problems - but what was the cause? The unforgiving start to her life, or the booze and drugs? She would drink and drink and drink and pop pills - but one day discovered that just one shot of junk would take her exactly where she wanted to go - complete oblivion. She was a mess, a lost cause, a basket case. She was the person you would look at on the street and quickly avert your eyes from. But there was always the U2 songs - Bono would sing to her, lull her to sleep, give her hope.
Finally, after many, many years out in the wilderness, she knew she had do something. She entered rehab - for the last time. On that same day, U2 released an album full of amazingly hopeful songs of renewal, and grace. (All That You Can't Leave Behind). She ran to buy it before she went in to rehab (again!) and would listen to every track every night under the covers at bedtime, crying and praying. Her boyfriend of eight months (Mr TC) promised he would wait for her. She hoped and wished for her poor head and heart to get better. Songs like Walk on and Grace helped her immeasurably.
Well, what happened when she got out of rehab? She accidently fell pregnant! Everyone around her was aghast - EVERYONE - but, she knew, for the first time in her life, that she was ok. This will be ok, she would tell herself, as her belly swelled. But, she was worried. What if she was only staying clean while she was pregnant? What if - what if. Her stepson came to live with them too - suddenly, she had her own family. It was so important to stop thinking of herself and her own pain, and start taking care of others. She grew - spiritually, emotionally. She talked to like-minded people of her experiences. She became honest. She was so clean, so fragile. The baby came. She was saved by a power of a love she had never known before. Holding him close, breathing his breath. Grace.
A U2 concert was announced! But then cancelled. The girl became a woman. Respected, loved. She started writing - she always wanted to be a writer when she grew up - not a junkie! Finally, U2 were definitely coming. She was having a particularly dreadful year - her husband was very sick, her marriage in a bit of strife. And all she could think about, was the ache in her soul for another baby. She hadn't felt such sadness for years.
The day of the concert - she got to the stadium at 6.30am. There was only a few people there. Feeling a bit self-conscious - she was a grown woman! A mother! She quickly made friends, and waited the whole day in the blazing heat to get as close to the Best Band in the World as possible. Finally, they opened the gates. She ran, and ran, and ran. FRONT OF THE STAGE!!! At the end of the catwalk!!! Giddy, and high, and excited - she waited.
Now, the start-up song came on, lights went down. Behind her, were 60,ooo people. Never, ever, had she felt so elated, so triumphant, and so awestruck. And - not a drink or drug in sight!!! Bono walked on stage - walked, walked - when she realised that he was so close she could reach out and touch him, she cried and cried. Words cannot describe the concert that night. Every lyric, every song, every heartbeat. Every rotten thing that had happened, every miracle, every tear. It was all there and all accounted for. A celebration of life! Her soul was in a Rapture.
Halfway through the concert, Bono was walking slowly up to me. (Yes - this story is true and about me. Did you guess? Ha!) He stopped in front of me, knelt down, and gently took my hand. The crowd crushed me from behind. He was singing a song called "Love and Peace or Else". He stayed there, kneeling, looking deeply into my startled soul for about twenty seconds. It seemed like an eternity. We stared at each other. I was smiling (serenely, I got told later); thanking him with my eyes.
This was no accident. It was like my reward. I could feel Angels, whispering. The birth of my son was the most life-changing, love-giving moment. But that night was just ..... indescribable. Powerful, affirming, intense .... it took me a whole lifetime to get there.
If Bono can stop a concert to kneel down and hold my hand ..... ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE, in this crazy, scary, amazing, mysterious world. Anything.
** Wow - that was a bit long, and I had to stop a few times to cry. Must be the hormones! I feel so grateful and amazed for where I am at in my life right now. I can't believe it, truly. Tomorrow I will be 6 weeks pregnant. I'm still shocked that this has actually happened. I can be such a morbid thing - for many years, I would wonder what stage of decomposition my fathers body was in as it lay in his coffin beneath the earth. I'm used to being negative about things - I want this pregnancy to work out so much, the thought of a miscarriage or a blighted ovum or downs .... frankly, is scaring the hell outta me. So different when I had Tiger - I pissed on a stick and wondered what pram to buy!! Oh, how I'd love some of that sunny optimism now!!!
Whew - well done on making it through this whole post, thank you. It's dedicated to anyone who has overcome, or is still experiencing adversity in their lives. Infertility is a bit like drug addiction - hell to go through, can either make you or break you. Makes you a stronger, deeper, and less-judgemental person. Maybe infertility is worse - a drug addict can give up at any time. (Plus, at least you get high!!)
To a fellow U2-lover, Von, who has the joy of being in her 2WW. Go Thelma and Louise!!
Here are some pics .....
Ok - see the big manhand that Bono is about to grab? That. Is. My. Hand.
Jubilant, but a bit ugly! Can't believe I was so close!
All the people behind me.
I took this photo
Me and my Beloved Tiger
Monday, 24 September 2007
Topcat's Top Ten Highlights of IVF
10. After much deliberation, explaining, chemo, and crying .... Mr TC agreeing to IVF. Never has someone shown their love for me like he has; I love him so much right back.
9. Tiger turning to me a few months ago, completely unprompted says "If you want a baby, you have to go to church and ask God."
8. Falling in love with my Gonal-F pen. The egg-multiplying master. Quite strange, shooting up again after all these years. I can't bring myself to throw it away.
7. Introducing myself to the world of TTC blogs - learning and laughing so much with you all. Priceless.
9. Tiger turning to me a few months ago, completely unprompted says "If you want a baby, you have to go to church and ask God."
8. Falling in love with my Gonal-F pen. The egg-multiplying master. Quite strange, shooting up again after all these years. I can't bring myself to throw it away.
7. Introducing myself to the world of TTC blogs - learning and laughing so much with you all. Priceless.
6. Driving with Mr TC in his ute, carrying sackfuls of horseshit and a gutful of ripe follicles. On a bumpy, windy, dirt road - it was SO uncomfortable. After a few "Watch it"s, and "Be careful!"s ..... I finally roared at him - "HON! BE CAREFUL OF MY FUCKING FOLLICLES!THEY ARE FUCKING HURTING!" He got the message ...
5. Suppression? Check. Stimulation? Check. Retrieval? Check. Fertilisation and transfer? Check. Going through all the green lights - getting to move forward, feeling the hope grow at every step. Overwhelming gratitude for that.
4. You can take the junk outta the junkie ..... realising old "habits" die hard. As SOON as I opened my eyes after egg retrieval .... ummmm, asking for more pain killers. I don't actually think I was even in pain. Ahem..
3. This.
2. After my first ever experience with Mr Wandmonkey, I got home and was telling my husband about it. He turns to me, with a LEER and says, "So ... didja like it??" He. Wasn't. Joking.
drumroll ......
1. The funniest, most unforgettable moment in my IVF experience to date - was when my five-year-old Tiger came running down the stairs, jiggling something in his hand. He started chucking it up in the air, catching it. To my horror, I realised it was my used syringe container; all the dirty needles flying around in there. He starts shouting "LEGO!!! WHO BOUGHT THE NEW LEGO??"
Friday, 21 September 2007
Tick Tock
To combat my fears, I have added a ticker. A bold move? Definitely. A bit early? Probably. (The pic just before it was "a bunch of cells!!") I just need a bit of positivity right now.
Hey - anything to get you through, right? I'm already working on my next post, entitled "Topcat's Top Ten Highlights of IVF", which promises to be quite a read. Have a lovely weekend. xo
Hey - anything to get you through, right? I'm already working on my next post, entitled "Topcat's Top Ten Highlights of IVF", which promises to be quite a read. Have a lovely weekend. xo
Thursday, 20 September 2007
Whistling in the Dark
Thing is, I had to wait until I felt better before I could post. Finally, I feel better. So, before I quickly turn crap again .. hi!! I got another beta yesterday -
12dp2dt - 66
17dp2dt - 454
So, hooray, right? I should feel happy, right? I checked those figures, and they are quite respectable indeed. However, these past few days have been overwhelming with intense feelings of terror and anxiety, that something is wrong, that I'm about to miscarry. I have no valid reason to feel like this - yesterday I just cried and cried, paralysed with fear and impending doom. Perhaps it's that everything - the weight of these past months - have all hit me. Mr TC couldn't be more disinterested if he tried. I have let most of my work fall by the wayside, concentrating soley on TTC. I now know too much about what can go wrong in pregnancy, and it's scaring me so much! I can't stay in this place for much longer - it's just not healthy. I had dreadful anxiety and depression years ago, thought I had seen the last of those beasts!
So, I have forced myself to have a productive day, I went to a really good AA meeting last night which really helped ground me, today I have been getting my groove back with writing articles ... I just feel so much better. It's easy to tell myself that worrying won't change anything - but feels like I'm just whistling in the dark. Terrified, yet pretending I'm not.
I want to start telling people soon. I need for this to become real - I feel so detached and strange. I can't WAIT for my scan - it's on the 8th of October, nineteen sleeps away. I just want to see a beating heart. But first, I must be patient and wait for that heart to form!
I really need to buy some bigger pants - my gut is popping out all over the place, which is a good sign. Other symptoms - pissing at 5am every morning, extreme tiredness after extreme eating, flashes of anger (I think I preferred my hormones turned OFF, thank you very much!) and slight, tugging feelings in my ute. Today I felt a sharp, stabbing pain just behind my belly button, and thought "That's it. It just died. Great." But then a while later I felt the gentle tugging, which was reasurring.
Out of everyone - I can't wait to tell Tiger the most. I'm sure he is going to be so, so excited. The only people who know are me, Mr TC, my two sisters, and one of Mr TCs friends. I fantasize about having a big belly, and feeling happier about it all. I just need to build a bridge and get over myself. Ha!
Check this out, seriously, WTF!!!!!
Also, please go visit Evil Stepmonster and say hi. She's not even evil, I promise!! Plus, Megan at the Unexplained Years just had her egg retrieval and got a great result!
Sunday, 16 September 2007
This Aint No Disco
In typical Pisces fashion, I seem to have completely tuned out. Everything is surreal, like I'm walking around in a fog.
"You had me at the spoof"... seriously, my head is STILL trying to wrap around the fact that Mr TC had viable sperm. The whole way through this delightful IVF process, the defeatist in me was imagining waking up after ER, with the doctor sadly shaking his head, telling me I went through it all for nil, as there were no post-chemo/vasectomy swimmers left. Then the fert report - then the freakin TRANSFER. Man, the transfer!! Beam me up Scottie - the sight of my four-celled wonder on that screen is ingrained in my brain forever. Then watching gobsmacked as it got shot into my uterine galaxy.
Now apparently the fucker has decided to STICK!! Ummm, I keep walking around looking at people - anyone, thinking, "Wow, you were once some cells floating around and then you implanted and grew, and all your blood and flesh and bones formed, and you became a baby and then entered the world!! Amazing!!" Telling my lovely sister Tee how AMAZING the process was (I may have been rabbiting on for a while) ..... she laughingly said "Uh, yeah - it was called Year 8 Biology, remember?"
I feel - shocked. This shit actually WORKS. I'm blown away - and already showing. Yes, I seriously look three months preggers already - leading to someone already guessing!! I need to creatively hold things in front of me, or something, Because even though I want to shout it from the rooftops, it's waaaayyyy too early. It's so fragile - anything could happen at this point. I haven't peed on a stick for DAYS, thankfully. I want to wait a bit, so that hopefully the next time the second line will come up straight away.
As for IVFs-R-Us - they rang me to tell me I'm "officially pregnant". I was a bit worried about the beta of 66, but she said she "graphed it and everything looks fine" .... and I don't need another beta, she will see me in three weeks for a scan. I don't think I can wait that long - even though I'm eating like a horse, already showing, and pissing like a demon, I will still get another beta soon. Just to appease. I think it's quite normal to be anxious at this stage - and I am. But damn ... I'm determined to start enjoying it. Because it might actually work out. Chances get bigger every step of the way. IVF is like Snakes and Ladders from hell. Thus far, I have avoided landing on a snake head. We shall see - it will unfold as it will. All the worry in the world will not make the slightest bit of difference.
Interesting that I have found myself thanking God lately - does this mean I would have been cursing God, if things hadn't gone to plan? Is this divine, or luck? Isn't THAT a bloody loaded question around these parts. I have been to drug rehabs frequently inhabited by women with neglected kids - or 8 months pregnant women who suddenly realise they'd better "get clean now, before the baby comes". And now, my heart aching for the would-be-WONDERFUL mothers with the BFNs, M/C's, the repeated cycles. I like to think I understand a lot in the world - but I don't understand that, truly.
I'm purposely not letting my mind get too ahead of itself ... too freaky. But I know ... somewhere, deep down inside my psyche, I am doing the Cheesiest Most Delirious Happy Dance in All of the Land. Just don't tell anyone.
"You had me at the spoof"... seriously, my head is STILL trying to wrap around the fact that Mr TC had viable sperm. The whole way through this delightful IVF process, the defeatist in me was imagining waking up after ER, with the doctor sadly shaking his head, telling me I went through it all for nil, as there were no post-chemo/vasectomy swimmers left. Then the fert report - then the freakin TRANSFER. Man, the transfer!! Beam me up Scottie - the sight of my four-celled wonder on that screen is ingrained in my brain forever. Then watching gobsmacked as it got shot into my uterine galaxy.
Now apparently the fucker has decided to STICK!! Ummm, I keep walking around looking at people - anyone, thinking, "Wow, you were once some cells floating around and then you implanted and grew, and all your blood and flesh and bones formed, and you became a baby and then entered the world!! Amazing!!" Telling my lovely sister Tee how AMAZING the process was (I may have been rabbiting on for a while) ..... she laughingly said "Uh, yeah - it was called Year 8 Biology, remember?"
I feel - shocked. This shit actually WORKS. I'm blown away - and already showing. Yes, I seriously look three months preggers already - leading to someone already guessing!! I need to creatively hold things in front of me, or something, Because even though I want to shout it from the rooftops, it's waaaayyyy too early. It's so fragile - anything could happen at this point. I haven't peed on a stick for DAYS, thankfully. I want to wait a bit, so that hopefully the next time the second line will come up straight away.
As for IVFs-R-Us - they rang me to tell me I'm "officially pregnant". I was a bit worried about the beta of 66, but she said she "graphed it and everything looks fine" .... and I don't need another beta, she will see me in three weeks for a scan. I don't think I can wait that long - even though I'm eating like a horse, already showing, and pissing like a demon, I will still get another beta soon. Just to appease. I think it's quite normal to be anxious at this stage - and I am. But damn ... I'm determined to start enjoying it. Because it might actually work out. Chances get bigger every step of the way. IVF is like Snakes and Ladders from hell. Thus far, I have avoided landing on a snake head. We shall see - it will unfold as it will. All the worry in the world will not make the slightest bit of difference.
Interesting that I have found myself thanking God lately - does this mean I would have been cursing God, if things hadn't gone to plan? Is this divine, or luck? Isn't THAT a bloody loaded question around these parts. I have been to drug rehabs frequently inhabited by women with neglected kids - or 8 months pregnant women who suddenly realise they'd better "get clean now, before the baby comes". And now, my heart aching for the would-be-WONDERFUL mothers with the BFNs, M/C's, the repeated cycles. I like to think I understand a lot in the world - but I don't understand that, truly.
I'm purposely not letting my mind get too ahead of itself ... too freaky. But I know ... somewhere, deep down inside my psyche, I am doing the Cheesiest Most Delirious Happy Dance in All of the Land. Just don't tell anyone.
Thursday, 13 September 2007
Clickety Click
Well, at 12dp2dt and 14 days past ER, my beta is 66. I was a bit worried, but have since googled, and realise that it's quite a respectable number. As long as its doubling, then it's all good in the hood. My "official" beta is next Wednesday, so I shall just have to be patient and not worry. All the worrying in the world isn't going to change anything!! My tummy is so big and bloated, plus I have AF-type cramps. If you need me for the next few days, you will find me here.
The most amazing thing in the world happened today with the nurse at my local pathology lab up here. She read my form, and started asking me about IVF - what was it like, how many tries have I had, etc. I was RAVING on, telling her everything .... suddenly she blurts out "Well, I'm looking into starting it soon!" She looked so relieved to tell someone. She has PCOS, and it took her three years to conceive her first child. She has been trying again now for a year, and says she needs help. She told me how hard it was for her to take pregnant womens blood, she has thought of quitting her job because of it. And she started crying!! I just gave her a massive hug, told her to just do it, it's ok - it's hard, but not impossible. She was so grateful, and told me that I was 'meant' to come in and see her today!! By the time we came out she had so many people waiting to get their bloods taken. She's even going to the same clinic as me. I might even go back and give her my number, she was so lovely. We're everywhere, girls! Doesn't it go to show how common IF is?
********** Ummm, it's now an hour after my Beta Googlefest ...... 66 sux.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
