Thursday, 20 September 2007

Whistling in the Dark

Thing is, I had to wait until I felt better before I could post. Finally, I feel better. So, before I quickly turn crap again .. hi!! I got another beta yesterday -

12dp2dt - 66

17dp2dt - 454

So, hooray, right? I should feel happy, right? I checked those figures, and they are quite respectable indeed. However, these past few days have been overwhelming with intense feelings of terror and anxiety, that something is wrong, that I'm about to miscarry. I have no valid reason to feel like this - yesterday I just cried and cried, paralysed with fear and impending doom. Perhaps it's that everything - the weight of these past months - have all hit me. Mr TC couldn't be more disinterested if he tried. I have let most of my work fall by the wayside, concentrating soley on TTC. I now know too much about what can go wrong in pregnancy, and it's scaring me so much! I can't stay in this place for much longer - it's just not healthy. I had dreadful anxiety and depression years ago, thought I had seen the last of those beasts!

So, I have forced myself to have a productive day, I went to a really good AA meeting last night which really helped ground me, today I have been getting my groove back with writing articles ... I just feel so much better. It's easy to tell myself that worrying won't change anything - but feels like I'm just whistling in the dark. Terrified, yet pretending I'm not.

I want to start telling people soon. I need for this to become real - I feel so detached and strange. I can't WAIT for my scan - it's on the 8th of October, nineteen sleeps away. I just want to see a beating heart. But first, I must be patient and wait for that heart to form!

I really need to buy some bigger pants - my gut is popping out all over the place, which is a good sign. Other symptoms - pissing at 5am every morning, extreme tiredness after extreme eating, flashes of anger (I think I preferred my hormones turned OFF, thank you very much!) and slight, tugging feelings in my ute. Today I felt a sharp, stabbing pain just behind my belly button, and thought "That's it. It just died. Great." But then a while later I felt the gentle tugging, which was reasurring.

Out of everyone - I can't wait to tell Tiger the most. I'm sure he is going to be so, so excited. The only people who know are me, Mr TC, my two sisters, and one of Mr TCs friends. I fantasize about having a big belly, and feeling happier about it all. I just need to build a bridge and get over myself. Ha!

Check this out, seriously, WTF!!!!!

Also, please go visit Evil Stepmonster and say hi. She's not even evil, I promise!! Plus, Megan at the Unexplained Years just had her egg retrieval and got a great result!


Von said...

Hello there. I was wondering where you were hiding......
I think the main thing to concentrate on here is the JOY of what is occuring. You've come a long way, been through the shit, fallen into the rabbit-hole and have now managed to climb your way out.
Disbelief, fear and anxiety are normal. Don't be too hard on yourself. Just try to enjoy the moment. That's all we can do is to embrace right now.
Your new beta is good. There is no reason to think anything bad to going to happen.
Just remember to breathe.........
Much love.

Stacie said...

It's amazing how something that is wanted so badly can bring such overwhelming terror. Just know that what you are feeling is nuch like what I felt at the start of my pregnancy. It does get better and forcing yourself to get active will help a lot in that category.

Just try to enjoy some of this happy time!

Stacie said...

And you're right about that article. WTF? I would think that all of that is mute if she signed a paper allowing up to two to be transferred (don't you just love that they keep writing implanted instead of transferred?). She was she just needs to deal with it. Or, as a good friend always says, put on her big girl panties and shut up!

Geohde said...

Aaaahhh yes.

I remember that terrifying certainty that no news meant lots of DBT (dead baby thoughts) until the next lot of news...

Hang in there



Megan said...

topcat, I imagine everything you're going through is normal for us IFers who eventually have success. We do know too much about what can go wrong. Your scan is 3 days after my beta test. Here's to us both celebrating!

Delenn said...

So glad for the great Beta results. And yes, I know of the anxiety with which you speak. But assvice I got did work--try to focus on the now. Because NOW you are PREGNANT! :-)

anna said...

Awesome betas! Topcat, you're not whistling in the dark alone...I'm right there next to you! I feel exactly the same way...hopefully, we'll be out of this impending-doom mode soon. I'm very excited for you...everything's going swimmingly so far!