Thing is, I had to wait until I felt better before I could post. Finally, I feel better. So, before I quickly turn crap again .. hi!! I got another beta yesterday -
12dp2dt - 66
17dp2dt - 454
So, hooray, right? I should feel happy, right? I checked those figures, and they are quite respectable indeed. However, these past few days have been overwhelming with intense feelings of terror and anxiety, that something is wrong, that I'm about to miscarry. I have no valid reason to feel like this - yesterday I just cried and cried, paralysed with fear and impending doom. Perhaps it's that everything - the weight of these past months - have all hit me. Mr TC couldn't be more disinterested if he tried. I have let most of my work fall by the wayside, concentrating soley on TTC. I now know too much about what can go wrong in pregnancy, and it's scaring me so much! I can't stay in this place for much longer - it's just not healthy. I had dreadful anxiety and depression years ago, thought I had seen the last of those beasts!
So, I have forced myself to have a productive day, I went to a really good AA meeting last night which really helped ground me, today I have been getting my groove back with writing articles ... I just feel so much better. It's easy to tell myself that worrying won't change anything - but feels like I'm just whistling in the dark. Terrified, yet pretending I'm not.
I want to start telling people soon. I need for this to become real - I feel so detached and strange. I can't WAIT for my scan - it's on the 8th of October, nineteen sleeps away. I just want to see a beating heart. But first, I must be patient and wait for that heart to form!
I really need to buy some bigger pants - my gut is popping out all over the place, which is a good sign. Other symptoms - pissing at 5am every morning, extreme tiredness after extreme eating, flashes of anger (I think I preferred my hormones turned OFF, thank you very much!) and slight, tugging feelings in my ute. Today I felt a sharp, stabbing pain just behind my belly button, and thought "That's it. It just died. Great." But then a while later I felt the gentle tugging, which was reasurring.
Out of everyone - I can't wait to tell Tiger the most. I'm sure he is going to be so, so excited. The only people who know are me, Mr TC, my two sisters, and one of Mr TCs friends. I fantasize about having a big belly, and feeling happier about it all. I just need to build a bridge and get over myself. Ha!
Check this out, seriously, WTF!!!!!