Wednesday, 12 September 2007

The Cat's Outta the Bag

"You cannot truly know a persons happiness .... until you know their unhappiness."

I believe that the blow of infertility is softened if you already have a child. It's been a very difficult, emotional, scary year this year - for me and most of the wonderful women I have read. But I'm lucky - I already have a son. Who was even conceived naturally, unplanned ... when I was smoking, and 5 months sober for Chrissake.

As I was driving to all the appointments, and doing all of the invasive things we do during IVF, I kept thinking "Wow, I'm really serious about this". And I am. I tried accepting Mr TC's vasectomy as my lot in life, but no matter how much I tried, I just couldn't. I tried to accept that I would just have one child, and be content with that - but I just couldn't.

I realised yesterday why this was so, so big for me. I'm realising that, due to being born into such a SERIOUSLY dreadful family, I didn't experience love - ummmm, at all! (Except from my nan. She knew, and she loved me fiercely).

I am a loving, giving, warm, funny person. I deserved more. I know that now. I also know, that the love I have for my son cut through all of my sorrow and addiction and pain. It's how I wished my parents - my mother, should have loved me. Rarely - but it still happens, I have mini-meltdowns, and know that something is dreadfully wrong inside, all the crap comes back to haunt me. But I move through it.

I guess, in light of Farahs thought-provoking posts recently .. well, I just can't enter into a "My pain is bigger than your pain". Life has put me through the wringer - the roads I ended up walking down were so hideously black that I should be dead. But I'm not - I'm here. And I'm so grateful for people who have reached out and supported me through this year - while they have been TTC - their first, longer and with more heartache than I will ever know. That's not fair. I believe in the power of positive thought, and I will be cheering anyone on who needs it. I know there are people who have chosen not to comment and converse with me - because I'm not a "True" IFer. That is so ok, and I respect that, truly. But hey - maybe someone who is about to start IVF, is a recovering addict with PTSD from their childhood, who is married to a guy with a vasectomy, maybe they will stumble across my blog and not feel so alone.

I'm a freelance writer, and I have no doubt I will write an article on TTC via IVF soon for a mag or newspaper. I want more people to be better informed, more mindful, more thankful for what they have. I will never, ever again ask someone if they have children. My eyes have been opened to a world that previously, I had the luxury of being completely fucking ignorant about.

As for how I am today ... I'm waiting on my clinic to call me back - their policy is to only be on Crinone for 2 weeks after egg retrieval!! So I'm due to finish in 2 days, which is pretty scary. Plus, I want a bloodtest ... STAT!!!

I did a test with Mr TC this morning - positive. He was shocked - but so lovely. I told him that I will never, ever again doubt his love for me. He said he's so happy for me - but the thought of prams and nappies and strollers make him shudder. And, he reckons he's too old. (41). I said to him - "But you're free!!! You are a free man! Freedom! You can do whatever you want to do!"

This will either end in a healthy baby - or not. I could have a low beta. Or miscarry, or the baby could have birth defects. Or be stillborn. Or die of cotdeath. A meteor could hit us. We might go broke and have to live in a caravan. There is absolutely nothing I can do about it! So I may as well enjoy it while it lasts. I intend to enjoy it - and keep writing about it, hopefully with not too much guilt. (I already have enough guilt to start my own religion).

Today I'm Queen of the Positive Pee Stick - and the luckiest bitch in the world. xoxo


Fertilize Me said...

To the Queen of Postive Pee Sticks-
Thank you for you commenting on my blog - i am glad that you were not offended or insulted by this. I sometimes forget that it's the internet and its hard to get my message acrossed when i write. I have no experience in writing. I TRULY am just trying to find my way throught this journey and get all the crappy thoughts out of my head. I just feel tired, bitter, ashamed, guilty and it tends to come in waves. I want to not be tired, bitter, ashamed, guilty anymore. SO, I thank you for not judging me, and not assuming I am judging those who already have a child(ren). Thank you for taking the time to respond to my blog at all! I appreciated it all. and an doing a happy dance for the +

Vee said...

Good on you, Queen of Postive Pee Sticks ! I say enjoy every moment !

All the best with the beta.

Stacie said...

Hip, Hip Hooray!!! I am truly happy for you...and still smiling after reading your post. In the end, there is not much we can do about all of this ttc crap. When something good happens (like a positive hpt) I am with you. Let's enjoy it!

Mony said...

Well done darling Topcat!
This will bring a smile to many faces.
Good things can happen to good people.

Amanda said...


Congratulations!! And here's to a happy and healthy nine months!!

(regardless of whther or not you're "True Ifer" you're in a battle to get your baby like the rest of us. Everyone's obstacles are different and we all need all the support we can get!)

Again, Long Live the Queen!

Kim said...

41 is definitely not too old. My husband will be at least 45 before we have our first, and he's not too old. So 41 is a spring chicken. :)

Congratulations on the positive pee stick! I'll keep fingers crossed for your beta.

Reproductive Jeans said...

Hail to the queen--yahooo on the + Pee Stick=)

The Dunn Family said...

Congrats on the positive pee stick! Awesome awesome awesome! It's funny how us IFers do tend to compare ourselves and measure our pain. I tend to feel bad sometimes because we got pregnant on our first IVF and had twins. So sometimes I feel like maybe veteran IVFers feel like I don't truly understand, because I didn't go through a lot of BFNs or endless IUIs and IVFs. But I believe that if you have infertility issues (primary or secondary) and have cried because of your intense desire to want a baby, then you get it. That's all their is to it.

Congrats to you and your hubbie. hope everything continues swimmingly for you both!

Chas said...

Congratulations again on the positive testing!! I am very truly happy for you.

As for comparing pain...I posted two book long comments on Farah's blog on the subject. While I won't rehash it all...I do think that secondary infertility isn't quite as bad as primary, but I still think I have the right to feel sad that my FET failed and that I might not ever get baby #2.

Trevor said...


Many thanks for popping in and for nominating me for a Rockin' Girl Blogger award - although I must admit I have no idea what one is! Nor whether I can win one if I'm not,er, actually a girl, as such...
Flattered none the less.

Now - POAS. We also did this (well, I say 'we' but obviously only my wife did - although, to be fair, conception was proving so tricky I was tempted to have a bash myself). Although it wasn't healthy for our sanity we simply couldn't help it. We also snuck out and paid for private scans 'cause we couldn't wait for that either. Bad people? I don't think so. IVF screws with your head so much I don't think normal standards of sanity can be applied.

Anyway, the best news is that you're still in the game and the TWW is drawing to a close. All sorts of stuff crossed for you at this end.


Princess Peach said... exciting!!

I also agree with you...the blow of my IF is also softened by already having a child. Enjoy your pregnancy!

Angie said...

Congrats and hoping for a happy and healthy 9 months!

Diana said...

Ditto everything you said about enjoying it. I agree, it could all go away tomorrow and I will be devastated but I will be devastated whether I enjoyed it today or worried about the possibility. So I choose to enjoy it dammit and I am glad you are too!

Congrats again, looking forward to your beta #!!!

The Oneliner (Christina) said...

man, i am so happy for you!i've read your blog casually for awhile, and can i just tell you...that i like you. and all your smartassiness.

but WHO CARES! your knocked up.

congrats you lucky bitch. ; )

Von said...

How weird. Posted a comment and it just disappeared..........
In Summary, SSSSSSSSSoooooo Happy for you with your news.

anna said...

Dear Queen, CONGRATS! I absolutely second everything your write's so true! Although our lot in the reproductive world was different initially, I can relate to a lot of what you say about IF and this journey. Good luck with your beta!