I think i'm nuts .....

My 100th post!!! A blogging centenararian!

My sister Rex asked me this morning why I haven't updated - I said because i have been LOSING MY MIND, and I had to wait to catch a wave back into the shore of rationality. Mr TC is impatiently waiting for me in the next room; we are about to go away for a friends 40th birthday weekend at a beach house down the south coast.

So, I'm sorry this is so quick - but I'm here, I'm alive, Monkey is fine. (Though had a bit of a freakout last week, more about that later). My stepson is NOT moving back in to our house this week; I am not leaving my husband; and I will not be smoking 300 cigarettes/drinking 5 bottles of scotch/shooting up cocaine anytime soon. Seriously - I don't even LIKE scotch.

I leave you with the story of how, one early morning recently, I felt Monkey kicking. Sitting next to Tiger on the couch, I grabbed his hand so he could feel it. He said he did, but pulled his hand away quickly. Later that night we were all out to dinner, and I proudly said that Tiger was the first person to feel the baby move. Well, umm - apparently I badly needed a bikini wax, for Tiger pipes up with "Yeah, and I felt mummys balls."

I don't know what's worse - poor Tiger being scarred from touching my pubic hair, or him thinking that I have testicles.

Three Photos, Two Stretchmarks, and a Broken Pube

I used to marvel at the pregnant bloggers progress .... it seemed that one minute they saw the heartbeat and were still flushed with the giddiness of the BFP, and then, gradually, the news would entail talk of prams and baby showers and swollen bellies. I can feel myself hovering - no longer am I scared stiff at the thought of an early miscarriage, yet I still put off buying babystuff until at least viability. (Today I'm at 23 weeks). New thoughts have crept through my head .... as well as some doubts, like how will I manage to care for a newborn, manage the housework, yet still work from home, etc. Today I saw a tiny baby at the park, and just couldn't believe that I will hold one in May. In four months! I'm getting closer to believing it's going to happen ...

Lately, Mr TC has been freaked out. He thinks he's too old, and says that the thought of pushing a pram down the street makes him feel sick. I told him look at Brad Pitt - he's over 40 with four young kids hanging off his arm, but he only looks hotter. Mr TC didn't buy it. No loving partner just as desperate for a baby as me - last week he actually cringed when he looked at my belly. That was it. "Look, do you think I'm not scared sometimes too? But you went in this with your eyes wide open hon, so please don't shudder when you look at me! This is our reality! So deal!!" I wonder what it would feel like for your husband to put his hand on your tummy in wonder? I'm not mad - a little worried about how much this will affect our marriage. I'm still reeling from our New Zealand ordeal - I mean holiday. The thought of bringing another child into all the ... dynamics, just scared the absolute crap outta me. The stepkids flew back to their mum on Monday, the immense relief I felt at having my house back was enormous. Tom wants to move back in with us ... in 6 months. He said his dad is his best friend and he misses him. I have visions of me moving out with Tiger and a newborn, being a single mother. I've made the very healthy decision of living in the day, and not getting ahead of myself. If Tom does come back, it would be at the end of this year .... and by GOD would I have some ground rules.

I nearly rang up the nurse to look at my amnio results and tell me what sex Monkey is, but I stayed strong. So it really, truly is going to be a big surprise. I showed my sisters the ultrasound pics, I pointed out the penis to the them; they swear it's a vagina. So, we just don't know. I truly don't mind - sometimes I sway, and would prefer one over the other, but it always changes. Healthy will do me just fine.

Annoying bitch that I am - never in my life have I got a stretch mark. No weight issues for me; actually, I'm not even smug, because all of my issues are mental HA. I'd swap some of my high metabolism for some peace of mind any day - truly. Anyway, it seems as if I now do indeed have stretch marks - two, in fact, on my lower stomach. What the!?! Furious oil rubbing has since followed the discovery, i shall wait and see.

Finally, I have a broken pube. In Australia, we call pubic hairs 'pubes'. Yes, it appeared that the only interesting thing I had to report at yesterdays midwife appointment was an ingrown pube on my pubis bone. It doesn't hurt, but it's quite swollen. She didn't seem perturbed - do I just let it be for the rest of my life?

Finally, here are some pics. The first two are just me and Mr TC ... in NZ. (It wasn't all bad. Was it???)

Mr TC has discovered a new way of getting in the photo himself - he does this all the time now - this was in a park in Christchurch ...

Holding hands at the Cadbury Factory in Dunedin ....

And lucky last - here's a pic of my two favourite sisters dressed as Kath and Kim at Mr TC's surprise 40th fancy dress party in '06. Rex is Kath, on the left, and Tee is Kim on the right. I love them like, well, - sisters!! Who knew we would end up such great mates!! Thank you so much for your love, support, and especially your honesty, girls. Yooz rock. xoxoxoxxoxo

Big on the Internet

Well, we're home. I managed not to kill anyone (just). I have felt so, so awful this past week, I didn't want to write about it. Wondered whether you could get post-natal depression while you were still pregnant? I feel like I have been slaying dragons in my mind and everyone around me is oblivious.

Anyway, I feel better so I will stop whinging, for f*cks sake. Leaving with Tiger tomorrow to go visit both big sisters down in Sydney, can't wait.

Here's the latest belly shot. Can't believe I have made it this far, feeling very amazed and grateful.

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Different Town, Different Headspace

Thanks so so much for the comments left on my last post - feel SO much better just reading them!!
This computer keeps shutting down so I'll be quick ... things are better, I had a complete ceasefire with stepson and explained to him everything he was doing that wasn't ok, I cried and said I was having a pregnancy scare and please, please just be a bit mature.
Ever since then he has been great - and all of my festering resentment has been lifted. I nearly went home - if I had bled anymore I would have. I have had no more blood - it was just that one time. TMI alert - the blood looked old, and Mr TC and I had (ahem) relations the night before. Needless to say, I know exactly where each hospital is in every town we travel to, and Mr TC aint getting NO nooky till after the baby is born. I feel Monkey kicking every day - don't know what sex, but I have a feeling I'm having another boy. Which will be wonderful, I truly don't mind either way.
I can't wait to read up on how everyones holidays went, I really hope that everyone had a lovely time.
Today we are in Dunedin, it's amazing. We went to the Cadburys chocolate factory and then a swimming pool with big waterslides. (I didn't go on them ,,, just watched).
The driving is ok - Tiger is in his element, even though it's EXTREMELY hard sometimes, it's so lovely to see him play with his big bro and sis.
This morning I slept in - had my earplugs in and eyemask on, they all trooped in my room with hot donuts, coffee, and the newspaper ... yay!! Now that's what I call a holiday!!
xoxoxoxxo

Merry Christmas!!!!

Here's a pic of our tree - I could have decorated it a bit better, oops!

I really hope everyone has/had a lovely Christmas. In point form, because I still need to pack and it's late ......

• We had a pretty good Christmas Day - except I'm quite crabby and cranky from cooking and cleaning for everyone;


• SS (stepson) is driving me a bit nuts already, disrespectful, arrogant, waking me up two nights in a row when he's going to bed NOISILY at 2am. I then stare at the ceiling for 2 hours, trying to get back to sleep;


• For Christmas lunch I made a roast beef, garlic prawns, chicken and thyme lemon skewers (kebabs), mexican salad, herb pesto, and gravy YUM


• We all watched Ace Ventura after lunch and laughed;


• Very, very excited to go overseas tomorrow. I haven't been overseas for years - Mr TC never has! Duty free here we come! We've hired a car and driving around the South island of New Zealand, staying in about 6 different hotels in different towns. I can't go on the action adventures - but I can DEFINITELY go to the Cadburys Chocolate Factory in Dunedin;


• I've been thinking a lot of those still in the IF trenches, and just wishing and willing you on.

I can't wait to catch up on everyone properly, I'll be haunting a skanky internet cafe very soon.

I had a dream that we were all on the plane and it was skidding out of control on the tarmac, we were about to die because it was going to burst into flames. Hopefully that won't come true - I also dreamt that Kevin Federline was teaching me dance moves, so far that hasn't happened!!

Stay safe and Happy Holidays xoxoxoxoxox

You had me at 'hello'.

I've always been such a morbid creature. Even as a child, I'd ponder my own mortality. After the two dead dads fiasco, my friends around me started unfortunately dropping like flies. Add the most negative mother in the world who would turn all of her children against each other ... and now I kind of always seemed to expect the worst. I think of the most awful and macabre scenarios. I've had DBT's* most days so far, in the past 18 weeks. Driving down to the big ultrasound this morning, I was working out :

a) Would Mr TC take the kids on his own to NZ if I got a refund on my ticket

b) Who would help me through it all if it has turned to shit

c) Was that dead kangaroo by the side of the freeway an omen of things to come.

Turns out, non of my contingency plans are needed; and the poor dead roo had nothing to do with me after all. From 4 cells to a f*cken superstar ..... here is Monkey -

Ummmm ....... I'm pregnant?!?!?!? The other shoe has not dropped - even after an HOUR of non-stop ultrasounding today. Monkey scooted and kicked, punched, yawned, flipped over and promptly went to sleep. Mindblowing.

I look at people and just marvel that anyone made it out through the whole gestating period alive, it seems so fraught with risk and danger at every turn. But babies do get born healthy every day ... why not my baby? It's just so surreal, after dreaming and wishing and pining for so many years. And thinking it would never happen. I can't believe my husband had sperm, freaks sake. My cluckiness has now gone into overdrive. I can feel kicking most days, tiny little tappity taps. I feel extremely blessed and just darn lucky.

You know how you have to have a full bladder for an ultrasound? Well, I was walking around before I got called in ..... farted, and pissed my pants. I half ran up the hospital corridor, furtively checking out the damage .... piss all over my denim shorts, visible to anyone who cared to look. How embarrassment.

xox

* DBTs - dead baby thoughts

Blog Botox

In keeping with the plastic surgery theme of the last post, I decided to spruce my digs up a little bit, renovate before the New Year.

In news just in ..... are you f*cking serious?????? Just another example of how warped the world can be. For the best description of the fickleness of it all, check out this post by Sara.