The Day That I Can't Wait to be Over

That was as putrid as I expected. There's something so, so wrong about having a needle puncture the amniotic sac. Thank Christ it's done. I feel relieved already. I paid $125 to get my results fastracked, which takes 2 days. Of course, they don't work weekends so I'll find out on Monday. Mr TC has seriously pissed me off today - he couldn't come with me, so my friend came. Which I didn't mind, because she had her amnio done last year by the same doctor. I squeezed her hand so tightly. When the needle was put in, I freaked and held my breath; she was so soothing saying "Breathe mate, remember to breathe." He took a few goes to get the fluid, so he dug around a bit. I was just praying, please please let this be over with soon. Finally he got the 30ml, and it was over.

I have a few twinges and slight cramps, but they said to expect that. I looked at the vials - looks exactly like piss. Which is exactly what it is! I just need to take it easy for the next few days, especially the rest of today. I tried to call Mr TC straight after it - and he didn't answer his phone! When I finally got through, he was driving so sounded distracted and couldn't talk properly! Sometimes he just has no idea. Wanker. He is now under NO illusion of exactly how unhappy I am with him.

So now, I'm praying that I don't miscarry. I just want that little needle hole to seal off. It was AMAZING seeing the baby on the screen today. I still, fifteen weeks exactly, can't believe there's a baby in there. My husband had sperm! The baby was punching and kicking like crazy! The doc gave me 3d images too, I'll scan them in tomorrow.

I just want to be pregnant and ENJOY it. The past two weeks have taken so much from me. I pray to God that I get the all clear on Monday too. I can't fathom the thought of making that terrible decision at this late stage if there's something wrong. My lovely big sisters are bloody brilliant at supporting me through this whole thing. Rex actually had a high risk nuchal result and had an amnio 2 years ago, so she knows exactly what it's been like. Except she had to wait 6 weeks!

Lastly, I have finally decided to give the baby a nickname. It's funny - I could easily put tickers up when it was barely a bunch of cells, but thought I would be jinxing myself to name it. Well, I don't want to keep calling it "it", and we are trying not to find out the sex. (But - do you think it's bad if I found out and didn't tell anyone - not even Mr TC? He has a big mouth). For now, I'll call the bub Monkey. I'm hoping with my whole heart that I get to meet Monkey sometime next May.

I'm off. I made pumpkin soup (this morning) for dinner, to be followed by a massive block of chocolate. Which I will share with Tiger, but hide from Mr TC when he gets home.

Running to Stand Still

I drove down for my embryo transfer by myself, on the 1st September. When I got back, Mr TC had gone to the nursery and bought a beautiful spring blossom. Here he is planting it on that day, he told me that "It can implant, the same day you can," or something equally romantic. Such a lovely gesture - I love him so, so much. He has no idea of the existence of this blog.

I only have one prayer to Universe lately - that my baby doesn't miscarry from the amnio. I've always been freaked about amnios. Here I sit, nearing the end of a torturous two-week wait of a different kind, counting down the sleeps to go. (2). Just bring it on already. I have made myself quite comfortable in my bed of fear, grown used to feeling the panic and worry rise in me every morning I get up. That's all very familiar to me, from when I lived my different life many moons ago, but it's interesting to see how easy it is living with shit feelings all the time again.

I saw a new, improved, different doctor yesterday, for a routine appointment at the maternity clinic. He was really lovely, and actually listened to me talk. He told me to try not to worry so much; that the stats for m/c after amnio are much lower now; that there really is a small chance that something may be wrong. He booked me in to see him in three weeks, and was so certain about it that I felt certain too. Until I looked at my yellow appointment card later, to see he had written HIGH RISK TRISONOMY 21 in big, big letters right at the top of it. I am planning on scribbling that out next week, once I get the all clear. But, we can plan on many things, can't we?

Thing about stats is, someone has to be on the wrong side of them. I don't think it will be me - but why not me? Why anyone? I wish I had never done the nuchal scan. There's something to be said for having too much information. Because now I am faced with such big decisions. And is it not selfish of me to put my baby at risk, just to put my fears to rest? Just so I know? I feel like running into the woods and living there for the next 6 months, and giving birth alone in the forest (a VBAC, no less!!) with only the wild animals baying at the moon to keep me company. I feel like shouting at all of the male dickheads in the medical profession I have met so far "Pregnancy is not a disease to be treated!!" I feel like jumping up and down and getting people to realise how much stress and worry false positive results can be. If men gave birth, I bet a whole lot of tests and statistics would be upgraded - or non-existent.

During a freakout moment, Mr TC was *trying* to make me feel better, dismissing all of my fears as bullshit. I wasn't cranky - I just said "Ok hon, let's see. I wonder how you would feel if you had all the hormones swirling around? If it was your body this was happening to? If you went through all the crap of IVF, only to be labelled high risk just after the first trimester when you were feeling great for the first time in ages? How do you think you would feel?"

Next week I'm going to see the film "The Business of Being Born", which I think Rikki Lake made. Even though it will have an American perspective, I'm sure Aussies down here can relate to a lot of things. I still can't quite believe that my local hospital don't do VBACs, and if I chose to try to deliver a VBAC I'd have to travel to a hospital over an hour away. Where they would "allow" me to labour for 3 hours - and then perform a caesar anyway! All this intervention - but then again, isn't IVF the biggest intervention of all?

Phew. I will post again after the amnio. (Ohhh - deja vu!) Let's hope this time they actually do the freakin procedure this time and don't tell me to come back again next week.

See you on the other side xoxoxxo

The Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day

Well. No amnio today; the baby is measuring at 14w 2d, and the doctor doesn't do amnios before 14w 5d. This happened because the different doctor who did my nuchal scan last week measured the baby one week ahead, which I got all excited about, changed my tickers, etc.

Other wonderful tidbits I found out today:

• My blood results alone give a 1:30 chance of chromosomal abnormality.
• Learnt, in minor detail, exactly why and how a miscarriage occurs after an amnio
• Mr TC and I don't think we will carry to full term if there is something wrong, making me feel dreadful that the baby has to grow a bit more so I can have the test to see if I'm going to ..... not have it
• I can cry myself into a migraine
• If a father figure doctor with a Scottish accent consoles me when I am crying, and calls me "Lass" in a very tender voice, I will stop crying about the worry of my baby and start crying that my real dad who was Scottish and died many years ago will never console me and call me "Lass" when I am crying. Then everything just turns turns into a jumbled mess of crying and I start thinking that I should never have tempted fate and done IVF in the first place; maybe I just wasn't meant to have another baby
• I love this baby already - my tears aren't for me but for it. I pray that my heavily increased stress and worry doesn't impact on it in some way
• Men are so completely different to women. As I was trying to make it out of the hospital without sobbing, Mr TC decided he was hungry so we went to the cafeteria for a bacon and egg roll. I sat there as he ate, using all my worldly powers to not start the heaving crying. He flicked through the newspaper, trying to find the sport section so he could see if Mike Tyson went to jail. Mr TC said later that he is 100% not worried that there is anything wrong with the baby, or that anything bad will happen. I wish I was more like him
• Amnio Take Two is booked for next Thursday - one more week away

So. That's where I'm at. I thank you so much for all, all of your comments. Imy thank you for checking in - I read every one of your posts but don't often comment because I feel guilty that I got preggo straight away from transfer no#1. I can't wait till you get a BFP - and you will, I'm just sorry it's such a tough road. And thank you Miss Geohde for your wonderful medical (and personal) advice all the time, even when you're still "trudging the weary path to destiny". as we say in AA.

I have a routine appointment at the hospital on Monday, to meet the doctor that will hopefully be performing my caesar in May next year. (My local hospital doesn't do VBACs). Don't I have a lot to catch him up on! I hope he's nice. Todays Dead Dad Doppelganger Doctor, whilst caring, was abrupt, kept cutting me off, and likened the amnio procedure to "spearing fish in a bucket. There's a very slim chance you actually hurt the baby with the needle." And I've run out of steam to write about the putrid, revolting pathologist who took my blood yesterday. Sleazy Sleazebag from Sleazeville. My sister reckons I should sue him for sexual harrasment.

It's all fun and games from my part of the world. I'm going to hide under a rock for a while; try to calm down and get through this next week. The only way through it is through it. Bugger.

I'm Frightened, Aunty Em

Actually, frightened was last week. I am FURIOUS today. Which beats being scared - I much prefer anger to fear. It gives me some semblence of control. I have been on pause, ever since the serious doctor rang with the serious high risk news last week. I cannot wait to have Thursday over and done with. Mr TC is taking me down - the first scan he sees will be the amniocentesis scan they do, right before they stick the freaking needle in. Gah. I'm just so mad that after all the years of pining and yearning, then we get a BFP, and before I even get a chance to feel happy and settled, there might be something wrong. It plain sucks.

If there IS a chromosomal abnormality - well, it's hard to say what we would do, or decide. I don't think Mr TC would be quite keen on looking after a child with special needs - but then again, who is? I know I'm getting ahead of myself, but I need to think these sorts of things ... just in case. That's if I don't miscarry from the amnio. Oh, the joys of an active imagination!

Last week, I spent 2 hours with a midwife, booking in to the hospital. SO many weird and wonderful questions!

Midwife: "Does your mother and father have any mental health issues?"

Me: "Well, my dad killed himself. Would you call that a mental health issue?"

We both laughed.

Actually, what's been REALLY funny - my latest craving ... has been for a glass of dry white wine!! First time in my life I have wanted to drink alcohol for the TASTE, and not the effect. Who knew?? (Of course, I'm not following through with this particular craving).

So. That's where I'm at. I will post after the dreaded amnio on Thursday - I would really appreciate a few prayers or positive thoughts. Yuck. Bring it on, get it over with, stupid mofo high risk my arse.

Laughing in the Face of High Risk ..... a Belly Shot!!

So. What do you do when told of stupid high risk, and you're faced with an amnio? Post your first ever belly pic, google prams, and book in for an 18 weeks ultrasound! Yes. The future is here and it's name is Happy. I will be happy, damn it - through gritted teeth, I am not sinking down to the ground like the melting Wicked Witch, wailing and crying. I'm going to stay as positive as my 27 pee sticks were, back in August. Take that, scaremongering doctor!!


I really do feel ok today - debating whether to even have the amnio. But, alas, I know me too well. I am more scared of the amnio than having a positive trisonomy result! Here's a great idea, doctors - DEVELOP A BETTER NUCHAL SCAN, to lower the chance of a false positive. When the doc was actually doing the u/s the other day, he measured the fold (I actually forget what the number was, d'oh!) - and he said "Ok, that's totally within normal range. And there are no variations on normal." Ha - apparently there is!


Anyway - thanks for the bloody fantastic comments. Below is a belly shot that I took yesterday morning - my face looks crap because I had just stopped crying. Can you believe how big I am? It's weird - I thought I would stride down the street and be out and proud, but I feel a bit protective and always cover it up. (I only wear that dress at home, not out!) Strange too - lucky bitch that I was falling preggo on the first go of IVF, my belly is actually getting smaller as time goes on, because of the case of the mutantly massive follicles. Did you know they burst of their own accord? Ewwww!


Much love to everyone - to Mony, Maya, Stacie and Angie, who have all had their precious bubs! Well done, I am hoping and praying for you, especially to those little ones still in hospital. Godspeed. xoxoxo

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Holy crap! I think I'm a bit pregnant!

What the Hell's a Nuchal Fold Anyway?

Finally, I realised why I have gone so quiet. Not just here on my blog, but IRL too ..... it's because, if I'm really, really still, then nothing bad can happen. Maybe I'm doing what I used to do in my early years, hearing my dad beat up my mum ..... make myself small, and quiet, then nobody will notice me and no harm can come.

Well, I have been still and quiet for a while now; however, my high risk nuchal result has succeeded in blowing my theory right out of the water. I feel like I have been found out - busted, just when I was starting to feel safe. I'm pissed off and angry. I have 1 in 163 chance of the baby having Downs, and now have to decide whether to do an amnio. For Chrissake - you know, I really think that all will probably end up fine anyway, hopefully. It's just this freaking worry and fear in the meantime. I'm angry at myself - for almost feeling bloody comfortable that now I really have something real to worry about. Stupid dumb familiar worry.

But - a teensy part of me wonders if all the worry I have had so far is because there actually really IS something wrong with the baby. Back and forth, back and forth. Ahhhh!!

Before the shitty phonecall from the doctor this afternoon, I had a great day. Spent 2 hours at the maternity ward, booking in to the midwife clinic at the local hospital. Got me a showbag of goodies and a heartful of excitement. Then I read the paper in my favourite cafe, ordering a burger at 11am. Walked to the travel agent to pay off some $$ for our big holiday to New Zealand at Christmas. Mr TC has never been overseas before! And, we're taking my 10 and 15 year old stepkids as well as Tiger. I am going to hold the bags and take photos while they're all on the fast jetboats and bungies, etc .... because I will be too pregnant to go on anything. Well, hopefully - that's the plan, anyway.

Mr TC reckons it will all be fine. So do my lovely sisters, who are so wise and hilarious at the same time. Watching Tiger do the air guitar with his penis in the shower tonight certainly made me smile.

Amnio is booked in for next Thursday. I have personally never heard of or met anyone who miscarried after an amnio, but it's still scary. Ugh.

What a self-absorbed post, sorry. I have been reading up on everyone, just not commenting much.

xo

A Guest Blog Entry. Brought to you by the lovely people at the Great Blog Cross-Pollination!

Ooh! Slammed by the International Date Line! I got an e-mail first thing this morning from TopCat, reminding me that while it may be 7 AM on the 8th of November where I sit and drink my coffee, it's November 9th in Australia where she is, and thus it's Geohde's Inaugural Blog Cross-Pollination Day! She also sent me her blog post for the day, for me to post on my blog. The ball is clearly in my court. Where's my post?

I've been putting off writing something for the cross-pollination, because I have had a big, serious post brewing on my own list of partially completed entries for some time now. And so, with apologies for the perhaps less than uplifting nature of my thoughts, I thought I'd put this out there now, before I lose my nerve and write something lighter in nature about where I'm at with my current pregnancy. And so, here it is.
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After being an avid reader of infertility blogs for the last year or two, I have begun to notice the same themes cropping up over and over again. Different people of course have different perspectives on these themes, all colored by their own individual experiences, but out of the jumble, I have recently noticed how often I see similar ideas popping up all over the place.
One of these is the idea of things being fair. As in, someone pointing out that they've now had four losses so now they must really deserve a pregnancy that goes to term. Or that their sister-in-law is completely oblivious to other people's feelings and that they cannot believe she is pregnant again without even trying. Or that they've been trying to conceive for so many years now that it surely must be their turn.

I also see bits of the other side of this particular coin. The women who have barely begun their blogs about their infertility experience only to discover they're unexpectedly pregnant. They continue to blog throughout the first trimester, and then the inevitable post appears in which they ponder whether or not they should continue, and in which they explore their feelings of guilt about setting off down the pregnancy path when so many others have been trying for so much longer, or have experienced more losses. They always apologize and hope they're not offending anyone by being thrilled to be pregnant.

And always, you see a comparison of pain. A miscarriage brings the question-- how early was it? There's the thought that early losses (or even chemical pregnancies, which are still miscarriages in their own right) are less painful than later losses. Or that a woman who gets pregnant but then miscarries is luckier somehow than a woman who can't conceive at all. At least *she* got to see the two lines...

I think about these things a lot, both inside the infertility world and outside. Living in Southern California, we're all recovering from the recent fires that burned down so many homes. We evacuated for a day and a half and came home safely to a house that was still standing, though covered in ash. Others weren't so lucky. How do I be grateful for our luck without being disrespectful to those who lost their homes?

It's this last thought that nags at me as I read my blogs every day.

I've been writing mine for just over a year, but I already had my daughter when I started it. I have PCOS, but I don't have much trouble getting pregnant. I've had two miscarriages, but both were very early. I spent twelve weeks on hospital bed rest, but I took home a healthy baby at the end of it. I'm nearly 30 weeks into a high-risk pregnancy, but I'm becoming more confident by the day that I will again bring home the sought-after child at the end, and that our family will be complete.

So many others whose innermost private thoughts I read on a daily basis have been so much less lucky than I have. I have been silent on my blog for the past few weeks as I wonder where I go from here. I don't want to stop writing, and yet I'm running out of things to say that don't compromise my anonymity. I also don't want to leave the infertile/repeat loss community, which has brought me a huge amount of much-needed support and a sense of belonging, but what do I write about once we stop trying to have children? Do I give in, and become the dreaded "Mommy Blogger"?

The irony of this whole post is that I'm sure there are at least five others out there that are very similar. I don't think I'm going to go anywhere, but it may take me a while to find my new perspective. I hope you're willing to hang in there while I figure a few things out.
Part of the cross-pollination game is that you're supposed to comment below if you can guess who I am. Then, you can find my blog here.

And finally, here's your token bit of inappropriate humor for the day:
Having misspelled "evacuate," my spell-checker kindly suggests I replace it with "ejaculate." Even my laptop has a dirty mind.

New and Improved

As if on cue, entering the second trimester today has brought relief and happiness. My sister rang and actually asked if I have bi-polar, I sounded so positive. Doing constructive, healthy things has certainly helped. I feel like I have exorcised the demon. As Ace Ventura would say, "This house is clear now."

Yesterday I went to the gym for the first time since I started sniffing Syneral! Writing articles again, keeping on top of the housework, and doing meetings are all saving my arse. The spirit of terror has gone - I banished it, and I will never complain again!! (Ha).

Nuchal Translucency scan is next week - everyone I know who's had it done have all got 'high risk' results, had an amnio, and everything was fine. So I figure if I just expect that for me too, then I won't freak out.

Yesterday, Tiger asked me to open my mouth. He stood there in front of me, talking into my mouth "so the baby could hear". I believe he has inherited my general fruitiness; I love it.

So, tomorrow is Geohde's Cross-Blog Pollination. A mystery blogger will post - I wonder if you can try and guess who it is? I will post on their blog too. It's all fun, and I love how Geohde has gotten so many people involved - even when in the midst of her IVF battle.

Copulator xoxox