Once when I was about 10 years old, my mother sent me to the local take away shop to buy a barbeque chook. (A chicken cooked in spices). On the way home, I realised I was STARVING hungry. I opened the paper a little bit, and mouthwatering chickeny steam escaped. YUM. I gave the chicken a little lick - just a little one ... then tucked it back safely in it's paper. Walked a few paces, then out it came for another lick. Man it tasted good.
By the time I had gotten home, I had licked the entire chicken. Not just little licks - I had basically sucked it dry. I felt very, very guilty - and knew that somehow, my mum would know and I would get into big trouble. I watched her unwrap it, and place it on a plate. "Call the girls for dinner". (My twin sisters lived in a totally separate part of our house).
We all sat down - my mum, dad, sisters, and little brother. (Yes, I think that's the first time I ever mentioned my brother here). I was petrified, with a pounding heart I just knew that they would soon put down their forks and look at me accusingly ...."YOU LICKED THE CHICKEN!!"
But they didn't. They ate away, and had no idea that the chicken had somehow lost a lot of its flavour. I remember feeling a very big sense of satisfaction. "Sucked in. Look who's laughing now, arseholes."
Many, many years later, I sat in the poky little flat I shared with Mr TC above the shops in the main street, and I told him that story. He laughed until he cried. It remains his all-time favourite anecdote of my childhood, and he has since shared it at so many dinner parties and gatherings that it has now taken up folklore amongst our group of friends. Once, we were at my mums, and he egged me on to tell it to her and my sisters. I confessed my chicken-licking crime to them, safe that I was grown up and not scared of any of them anymore. It was hilarious - they were so disgusted, but f*ck it was funny.
As I'm one day off being 32 weeks pregnant (WHAT THE FUCK! HOW DID THAT HAPPEN? IS THERE REALLY A MOFO BABY IN THERE!?), I was having a talk recently with my sister Rex about the day of the birth, and whether she would want to be there, etc. She said of COURSE, she'll be there with Tee .. and mum. Which sent me into a panic. I said to Rex "but - but I'll have to get sewn up, and if you're all there then ... you'll all get to hold it before me!" (Six years ago, Tiger was born after a day of labour, then an emergency caesar ... I was under general anaesthetic, didn't get to see him when he came out, and my mum, friend, and Mr TC all had him for over an hour before I saw him. I was so, so glad he was safe, but still felt a bit ripped off.)
Rex calmed me down, and said they would all wait somewhere else while I could bond and nurse the baby ... plus, Dr Eyelashes told me last week that if everything is ok once the baby is out, then there's no reason why I can't hold Monkey while I'm getting stitched up. Plus, Mr TC told me that he'd like them to be there for support - his words were "For Christs sake hon, we've got the rest of our lives with it."
My other sister Tee rang me up.
Tee: No hello .. "I'm not only going to hold your baby before you .... I'm going to lick your baby. All over. Just like you licked that fucking chicken."
Both: Hysterical laughter.
(I didn't end up getting an ultrasound - Monkey is poking and prodding and kicking like crazy. I feel officially pregnant. Looks like I better buy a pram.)