Friday, 14 March 2008

Up, Down, and Around

I read a lot of blogs. In my blogroll, and in my favourites. I have followed the journey of an American woman who went though IVF twice, got a BFP, and posted often on her pregnancy, with a belly shot every week. I can't remember if I have ever commented. Last week, Natalie lost her baby Devin at 36 weeks. I don't think I've ever cried so much for a 'stranger'. It struck a terrifying fear in me, I have felt incredible sadness for her and her family. She is still posting. Now her once happy pregnancy blog has turned into a place of grief, of the devastating loss that no-one should ever, ever have to go through. I just don't understand it. She and her husband are faced with working out how to try again, with no insurance coverage. I have sent her my silent love and support from across the ocean. I'll probably email her - along with so many others. But I won't link back to here, as I'm due only 6 weeks after she was and I don't want to cause her any pain.

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I have wondered who reads my blog, but never comments? As a creepy Robert De Niro said to a young Juliet Lewis in Cape Fear - "Come out, come out, wherever you are!!". Feel free to comment anonymously. I know I can be very crass. I'd love to have a beautifully written, thoughtful and profound blog; but alas. Obviously it was not meant to be. I come here and just let it all hang out, sometimes in a very vulgar and un-PC like way. It's the Tourettes. I have fleetingly thought that there's people who read, but tut-tut and disagree with what I say - silently. And then there's my peeps - the lovelies who read and laugh and comment (some who are actively TTC yet STILL visit and leave a nice word) ... I appreciate the feeling of connectedness so very much.

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My birthday came and went this week. Thirtyfreakinsix!!! I'm officially SO not in my early thirties anymore ... I wonder when I will feel like a grownup? When I was a kid I used to think "Man, I can't WAIT to be an adult. Then I will know EVERYTHING." Ha!! Yeah right! I just had a quiet one at home - actually, I made a roast chicken dinner and carrot birthday cake to celebrate with Mr TC and Tiger. Tiger decorated it with Smarties (yummy Aussie M&M wannabees) .... and then me and Tiger waited for Mr TC, camera ready for a belly/shot bday pic, lighter ready to light the candles. And waited. And waited. At 8.30pm, after he finally finished watering the garden in the rain, (standing there under an umbrella - no joke) .... he comes inside, exclaims "Oh, yum hon!" And starts cutting my cake!!! Quickly noticing Tigers horror, he puts the knife down, lights the candle, and nervously broke into the birthday song. I swear - if I ever die before my time, my sisters have full permission to show him his wifes blog, and he can read all about how fucking cluelessly hilarious he is.

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I washed my car this morning, and fell down the freaking back steps!! I think I'm ok, I can feel Monkey kicking around in there. Yesterday I was 30 weeks preggorio. I keep saying to people how I still can't believe that I'm pregnant. That it worked. That, after so many years of the ache of thinking I will never have another child .... that I, ummmm, think I might be having another child!? I think it won't sink in until it actually happens. Which is so cool - all I'm after right now is a healthy baby. I feel soooooo pregnant now, my feet are like blocks of cement, and when I sit down on the toilet to do a wee, I can hear the toilet seat straining under the extra weight. I get up every night now - the manbladder can reach full capacity, who knew!! I can't see my vagina at all when I look down, which made for a rather interesting time when I had to get my clippers out to trim the ole Prez Bush ... (sorry. There's that Tourettes again). Mr TC walked in on me, trimming away, mirror between my legs. I repulsed him - he quickly backed out saying "Hon!! I hope you're gonna sweep that up!!" Heh heh.

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The AA weekend was good. Not as amazing as I thought it was going to be, the rooms had three bunks and slept six people, and smelt like toilet freshener. I felt self-concious for no apparent reason, but the belly is certainly an ice-breaker. I'm seven and a half years clean and sober, which, I realised for the first time ..... is a lot. Most of the women there were under two years. I've really "moved on" from a lot of my issues in early recovery. Now I just have better quality problems!! Ha!!

xoxoxo

10 comments:

Mommy Someday said...

Michelle from Mommy Someday delurking to say Hi!

Chas said...

Happy Birthday!!

r.a.w. said...

Couple of things:

1. Happy Birthday, chica!
2. Too sad about Devin. I had seen that on Serenity's blog. Breaks the heart, that does.
3. Too funny about the cake. Sometimes the men are just thinking with their stomachs.
4. Sorry the AA weekend was not amazing, but I'm glad it was good. And 7.5 years - holy crap! That's awesome. I am proud of you.

Take care!

Geohde said...

Happy birthday!!!

ANd I comment...just try and shut me up!

:)

J

Angie said...

Happy birthday! Congratulations on 7.5 years, that is truly wonderful.

Fertilized said...

YAH for Birthdays and 7.5 yrs!! How awesome is that! I am so proud of you for that - I hope you are too!! Tell Monkey Mini says Hi back!

Gemini Girl said...

Hey- I'm delurking too ;)

Ok so a few things:
1) I am so proud of you for being sober for over 7 years. That is a lot. You are rewarded with a beautiful family who loves you.

2) I cannot believe you are 30 weeks pg! Isnt it crazy that I gave birth at 30 weeks? Now that youre there, you can see how early that was. Plus, I still dont feel like a mother, or feel like this is real- and my daughters are 4 months old! So you tell me, when do you feel like a mother?

3)Speaking of hair down there. Since I was on hospital bedrest and couldnt do anything about mainting the forrest... I was so embaressed when I would pretty much be checked there every day. So, my amazing husband, took out a pair of scissors, a razor- and actually took care of it for me! Lucky me that he did this, since 3 days later, I had an emergency c-section.

It was your bday and you didnt mention? Well, happy belated. I am sure that your baby is the only present you need right now.

xoxoxo

Gemini Girl said...

BTW- Had some time here at work and linked back to your first posts. You wrote about how guilty you felt reading and commenting on blogs by women who had never been a mother, when you were a mother yourself. You wrote about how sad you were when you looked at pregnant women. You wrote about the fact that you didnt think your husband had any sperm left.

Look how far you have come.

Mony said...

I'm 36 next week!

Stacie said...

Happy belated birthday! I'll be 36 in 4 weeks. OMG, who said that? Couldn't have been me, could it have been? Surely not!

Happy 30 weeks, too! That is awesome!