Saturday, 29 March 2008


Beautiful Stacie has had her heart broken. Her dad died today in a car accident. He was picking up her grandmother, to come and see Stacies beautiful new twins. I can't believe it. Life is so, so fragile. We think we have it all planned out, but we never know what's around the corner. Stacie has been through so much with her boys already, I'm just so sorry.

Please go give her some bloggie love.

Stacie you're in my thoughts and prayers. You are such a wonderful, thoughtful, caring woman and I'm so sorry this has happened.


Wednesday, 26 March 2008

Finger-lickin good

Once when I was about 10 years old, my mother sent me to the local take away shop to buy a barbeque chook. (A chicken cooked in spices). On the way home, I realised I was STARVING hungry. I opened the paper a little bit, and mouthwatering chickeny steam escaped. YUM. I gave the chicken a little lick - just a little one ... then tucked it back safely in it's paper. Walked a few paces, then out it came for another lick. Man it tasted good.

By the time I had gotten home, I had licked the entire chicken. Not just little licks - I had basically sucked it dry. I felt very, very guilty - and knew that somehow, my mum would know and I would get into big trouble. I watched her unwrap it, and place it on a plate. "Call the girls for dinner". (My twin sisters lived in a totally separate part of our house).

We all sat down - my mum, dad, sisters, and little brother. (Yes, I think that's the first time I ever mentioned my brother here). I was petrified, with a pounding heart I just knew that they would soon put down their forks and look at me accusingly ...."YOU LICKED THE CHICKEN!!"

But they didn't. They ate away, and had no idea that the chicken had somehow lost a lot of its flavour. I remember feeling a very big sense of satisfaction. "Sucked in. Look who's laughing now, arseholes."

Many, many years later, I sat in the poky little flat I shared with Mr TC above the shops in the main street, and I told him that story. He laughed until he cried. It remains his all-time favourite anecdote of my childhood, and he has since shared it at so many dinner parties and gatherings that it has now taken up folklore amongst our group of friends. Once, we were at my mums, and he egged me on to tell it to her and my sisters. I confessed my chicken-licking crime to them, safe that I was grown up and not scared of any of them anymore. It was hilarious - they were so disgusted, but f*ck it was funny.

As I'm one day off being 32 weeks pregnant (WHAT THE FUCK! HOW DID THAT HAPPEN? IS THERE REALLY A MOFO BABY IN THERE!?), I was having a talk recently with my sister Rex about the day of the birth, and whether she would want to be there, etc. She said of COURSE, she'll be there with Tee .. and mum. Which sent me into a panic. I said to Rex "but - but I'll have to get sewn up, and if you're all there then ... you'll all get to hold it before me!" (Six years ago, Tiger was born after a day of labour, then an emergency caesar ... I was under general anaesthetic, didn't get to see him when he came out, and my mum, friend, and Mr TC all had him for over an hour before I saw him. I was so, so glad he was safe, but still felt a bit ripped off.)
Rex calmed me down, and said they would all wait somewhere else while I could bond and nurse the baby ... plus, Dr Eyelashes told me last week that if everything is ok once the baby is out, then there's no reason why I can't hold Monkey while I'm getting stitched up. Plus, Mr TC told me that he'd like them to be there for support - his words were "For Christs sake hon, we've got the rest of our lives with it."

My other sister Tee rang me up.
Me: "Hello?"
Tee: No hello .. "I'm not only going to hold your baby before you .... I'm going to lick your baby. All over. Just like you licked that fucking chicken."
Both: Hysterical laughter.

(I didn't end up getting an ultrasound - Monkey is poking and prodding and kicking like crazy. I feel officially pregnant. Looks like I better buy a pram.)


Sunday, 23 March 2008

My kingdom for an ultrasound

I can't hack it. After two days straight of not feeling much from Monkey at all, I think I will give in and go to my GP and ask for a referral for a scan. I know what can go wrong at this point, and it's scary - I also know that the bigger the baby gets, the less room there is to move in there. But I've really noticed a distinct lack of kicking and moving around; and I just need to put my mind at ease. Probably won't be able to get one until at least Tuesday, and I will be sure to tell the technician that I definitey don't want to know the baby's sex. I'll tell Mr TC the doctor told me I need one, so he doesn't think his wife is having (yet another) panic attack. I think you're supposed to feel 10 kicks a day or something at this point?

About an hour ago we got back from 2 days down in Sydney for Easter. It's soooo nice to be home, we live 1 and 1/2 hours away from Sydney ... it's so quiet up here compared to the big manic energy of the city. However, I will miss my sisters Foxtel and close proximity to the beach.

I hope everyone is having a lovely Easter holiday. I'm noticing a lot of my comments not appearing lately, it's either blogger or my computer. I'm on Mr TCs computer now - he is so clueless that my blog URL sits in his favourites and he doesn't even notice, heh heh. So I'm off to read everyone (yay!) and hold my own personal commentathon. I love getting comments, so it's only fair I leave them and let people know I am here. I am!

Lastly, I'm holding a competition!! With a prize!! (Don't know what yet, but I'll get something really cool and post a pic of it.) I'l make sure it's light in case I need to post it to one of my American friends :)

To enter, all you have to do is let me know if you think Monkey is a boy or a girl, and what colour hair he/she will have. The closing date is - oh, let's see ..... 13th May!! xox

Thursday, 20 March 2008

I have a date ..

I met Dr Eyelashes, who will be performing a c-section on me ... on the 13th May. In less than 8 weeks. Wow. I'll be seeing him every two weeks now, as he told me I'm a 'high-risk' pregnancy. (IVF plus C-section). I asked him the most silliest question - "So, do you have to take out any organs before you get in there and get the baby?" He couldn't hide his laughter, and said no. "Great. So no intestines sitting in a dish anytime soon?" I think he liked me.

I haven't seen Monkey on ultrasound since the 18week scan, and it's not procedure to do any more. I told him I had cramping (forgot to mention I knew full well they were from gas ...) but he still doesn't think an ultrasound is a good idea. So I have to go cold turkey!! How will I cope?? Mr TC does NOT want me having another ultrasound at all, he says we've come so far without knowing the sex, and we'd most probably find out. But .... but .... I just wanted to make sure everything is ok in there. What if, Monkey is, indeed, a Monkey?? Sigh. I guess I can wait.

A week from now, Mr TC is taking Tiger halfway across Australia to visit stepson and stepdaughter. I feel worried about it already, I just hope they make it back unscathed. It's like I have this protective/please stay at home thing going on. I'll have four days to myself, I will eat too much, stay up late watching TV, sleep a lot, and turn into a bachelor. A pregnant one. They are going to stay at Mr TCs ex's house. Which I'm totally cool with. As long as Tiger feels safe and is ok, I'm totally cool with it. I said to Mr TC "So, you do realise this makes me Ashton Kutcher?"

Friday, 14 March 2008

Up, Down, and Around

I read a lot of blogs. In my blogroll, and in my favourites. I have followed the journey of an American woman who went though IVF twice, got a BFP, and posted often on her pregnancy, with a belly shot every week. I can't remember if I have ever commented. Last week, Natalie lost her baby Devin at 36 weeks. I don't think I've ever cried so much for a 'stranger'. It struck a terrifying fear in me, I have felt incredible sadness for her and her family. She is still posting. Now her once happy pregnancy blog has turned into a place of grief, of the devastating loss that no-one should ever, ever have to go through. I just don't understand it. She and her husband are faced with working out how to try again, with no insurance coverage. I have sent her my silent love and support from across the ocean. I'll probably email her - along with so many others. But I won't link back to here, as I'm due only 6 weeks after she was and I don't want to cause her any pain.


I have wondered who reads my blog, but never comments? As a creepy Robert De Niro said to a young Juliet Lewis in Cape Fear - "Come out, come out, wherever you are!!". Feel free to comment anonymously. I know I can be very crass. I'd love to have a beautifully written, thoughtful and profound blog; but alas. Obviously it was not meant to be. I come here and just let it all hang out, sometimes in a very vulgar and un-PC like way. It's the Tourettes. I have fleetingly thought that there's people who read, but tut-tut and disagree with what I say - silently. And then there's my peeps - the lovelies who read and laugh and comment (some who are actively TTC yet STILL visit and leave a nice word) ... I appreciate the feeling of connectedness so very much.


My birthday came and went this week. Thirtyfreakinsix!!! I'm officially SO not in my early thirties anymore ... I wonder when I will feel like a grownup? When I was a kid I used to think "Man, I can't WAIT to be an adult. Then I will know EVERYTHING." Ha!! Yeah right! I just had a quiet one at home - actually, I made a roast chicken dinner and carrot birthday cake to celebrate with Mr TC and Tiger. Tiger decorated it with Smarties (yummy Aussie M&M wannabees) .... and then me and Tiger waited for Mr TC, camera ready for a belly/shot bday pic, lighter ready to light the candles. And waited. And waited. At 8.30pm, after he finally finished watering the garden in the rain, (standing there under an umbrella - no joke) .... he comes inside, exclaims "Oh, yum hon!" And starts cutting my cake!!! Quickly noticing Tigers horror, he puts the knife down, lights the candle, and nervously broke into the birthday song. I swear - if I ever die before my time, my sisters have full permission to show him his wifes blog, and he can read all about how fucking cluelessly hilarious he is.


I washed my car this morning, and fell down the freaking back steps!! I think I'm ok, I can feel Monkey kicking around in there. Yesterday I was 30 weeks preggorio. I keep saying to people how I still can't believe that I'm pregnant. That it worked. That, after so many years of the ache of thinking I will never have another child .... that I, ummmm, think I might be having another child!? I think it won't sink in until it actually happens. Which is so cool - all I'm after right now is a healthy baby. I feel soooooo pregnant now, my feet are like blocks of cement, and when I sit down on the toilet to do a wee, I can hear the toilet seat straining under the extra weight. I get up every night now - the manbladder can reach full capacity, who knew!! I can't see my vagina at all when I look down, which made for a rather interesting time when I had to get my clippers out to trim the ole Prez Bush ... (sorry. There's that Tourettes again). Mr TC walked in on me, trimming away, mirror between my legs. I repulsed him - he quickly backed out saying "Hon!! I hope you're gonna sweep that up!!" Heh heh.


The AA weekend was good. Not as amazing as I thought it was going to be, the rooms had three bunks and slept six people, and smelt like toilet freshener. I felt self-concious for no apparent reason, but the belly is certainly an ice-breaker. I'm seven and a half years clean and sober, which, I realised for the first time ..... is a lot. Most of the women there were under two years. I've really "moved on" from a lot of my issues in early recovery. Now I just have better quality problems!! Ha!!


Thursday, 6 March 2008

My husband is SO loving ...

Upon inspecting my grocery shopping items last night, Mr TC comes into the laundry where I was squatting, sorting the whites from the colours.

Mr TC: "Hon, I just have one criticism for you."
Me: (Instantly annoyed) "Fire away."
Mr TC: "Can we not buy pre-packaged sliced mushrooms? Fresh mushrooms are much better."
Me: "Are you serious? Who is the prick that makes dinner every night?? Who? Who is the prick that does that - oh wait ME!! There is no freaking difference between sliced and unsliced freaking mushrooms!!"

Right then, Monkey somersaulted so suddenly that I overbalanced. Mr TC, thinking it hilarious, knelt over. To help me up, perhaps? No, of course not! He leant over, addressing Monkey says "Kick. Her. Hard." And walked off.


I'm going away tomorrow, meeting up with my girlfriends from Sydney and staying at a motel, for a big womens AA convention. There will be massages, manicures, non-stop meetings, and much chocolate. I NEVER go away by myself, I'm so excited. Can't wait to chill the fuck out with my homies, without a care in the world.


Monday, 3 March 2008

Peace, Baby

When I was a child, I HATED being stared at. Loathed it. My sisters will read that and smile - God I hated when people used to stare at me. It wouldn't happen often, and would usually be some kid my own age, just staring me out in a shopping centre or something for the hell of it. Well, I still hate it. And now, the combination of a third trimester belly, coupled with a hormonal head ..... today I got more starers, commenters, and BELLY TOUCHERS than I can believe. I behaved myself, though. Barely.

Case One:

I walk in to the post office this morning and the chick behind the counter goes "Ooooooh, haven't you popped out!!" - in front of the whole queue, who then all turned to stare at me. I wanted to say to her "So's your face." But I just smiled sweetly.

Case Two:

A woman I hardly even know walked up to me in a cafe and greets me with "Well hello, fatty." Again, the 'so's your face' crossed my mind but I answered her silly questions with grace.

Case Three:

A woman I DON'T EVEN KNOW ...... a STRANGER, touched my belly in the street!! Grabbed my pregnant tummy and HELD it, for fucks sake. Asking me is it a boy or a girl. She knew she'd overstepped the line though - my fuck off vibes were strong enough to wilt some nearby flowers.