I Looooove Waiting

La la la - post cute photo while waiting for RE to call back to give me an answer once and for all ... everythings fine, la la la...

This was our Krispy Kreme wedding cake. It was a hit - there were a lot of kids there, and at the end of the night the bottom layer of donuts had many fingerprints in it. Got hitched at the end of 05, was a beautiful day. My two sisters (twins) were my brideseys - we had photos taken of the three sisters at the Three Sisters, Katooomba. A miracle day.

So, wondering what my blog will morph into if IVF is a no-go. Dirt bikes? Old English sheep dogs? Quentin Tarantino films? What about gameshows I love gameshows. U2 songs? (Please note - I am being purposely trite, whilst shitting pants).

Hmm hmm hmm, not worried at all ......

Dear God,

Hi God,

As You're well aware, I'd really like to have a baby. The desire in me is so strong - SO strong. It's been steadily growing for a long time now. I had to wait for Mr TC's treatment to finish - thank You so much that he made it through and he's ok. I'm grateful for so much in my life, truly. I can feel greedy at times for wanting more - but do I just sit back and cut my losses, and be content with my beautiful Tiger? Or do I strive ahead and give this everything I have?

I have been crying a lot lately because I'm shit scared of starting IVF - but even more shit scared of letting go of my dream. I can't seem to get the go-ahead from the doctors, which leaves me in limbo land. God - I don't like Limboland. It sucks.

So - much as I don't want to ... I am handing it over to You. I hope and pray that there is a baby up there for me. But if there's not ... well ... I need to know. I need to make the right choices here, and I need Your help. I'm not in control of what will happen, but I am in control of my reaction to what happens.

I'd appreciate it if You could make my path a little brighter. Because at the moment I can't see.

And God - please, please let Monys little Hef be ok.

love TC xoxoxoxoxo

Cleanup on Aisle 10

In Coles the other day, I got to thinking ..... why the fuck is the tampon section right next to the baby section? That's just plain mean.

My period came late on the Sunday night of a long weekend, so obviously I'm not starting this tiny, easy-peasy piece of cake that is IVF this month. I'm thinking it could be in July. Here's hoping. I need to call my RE and tell her that we have been advised hubbie doesn't need a trial MESA. Hopefully it's my decision???

I think I'm ready: RE Doctor? Check. Manic googling? Check. BCP prescription? Check. My very own (in)fertility blog? PRICELESS.

The Good, Bad, and Waiting.

We have been told that Mr TCs chemo drugs and injections would not have affected his sperm, so a trial MESA will not be necessary. That is good. I have been told that my pre-existing medical condition may be a factor, so I need to seek more thorough advice before starting any IVF treatment. That is not so good.

So, we still don't have the go-ahead to start in June like I wanted to. But at least I have a bit of hope back that maybe we CAN start, sometime in the near future. Possibly even July. I've been so very apprehensive about actually starting (PIO shots freaking me out, loooong way to travel for bloods and U/S's, raging hormones, etc) - but after all the waiting, I guess when time comes I'll be wanting to just Bring. It. On.

Staying Sane

You know that scene in Flying High where that woman gets hysterical on the plane, and ends up with a whole line of people wanting to smack some sense into her? Holding baseball bats, numchuckers, guns .... I seriously needed to get a grip yesterday - years of pent-up emotion came pouring out. I'm much, much better now. Thank Christ! Thank you so much for the care in your comments, I'm truly touched and grateful.

What has happened to make me feel better? In equal parts, a little bit of:

• Perspective. I have so much in my life to feel blessed for.


• Faith. If I have faith as small as a mustard seed, anything is possible.


• Humour! This has helped me through many a bleak time. (See: Flying High analogy)


• Coffee, coffee, coffee, soft cheese, and a brand new pair of black winter boots that I bought this morning.


• Expectation. Anyone want any? It's going cheap!

So I will concentrate on getting my house ready for my twin sisters, their hubbies, and kids who are all coming this weekend. They find the cold "fun". Ha! We are going to see Shrek the Third, go antique shopping, laugh, and just generally enjoy life right now this moment. Waiting on Mr TC's doc to call him today at 1pm, with his opinion on whether his spoof will be ok to procreate another tigercub. Que Sera.

Mony I'm LOVING Hefs Robot!

The Infertile Fertile

I can't remember the last time I felt this low. Went to the RE yesterday, with a heavy heart and not knowing why. My RE is this glamorous, exotic looking woman. She is very distracted, unorganised, and rushed. She gave me the go-ahead for everything, BCP, consent forms, etc. Until I asked her "So, Mr Topcats sperm should be ok for the aspiration?" (He is 6 months off treatment drugs. We had already checked this with her and she said it was fine). Suddenly, a flurry of phonecalls, paper-pushing, and uncertainty, ending with a no - no there's no go-ahead. Mr TC needs to get a sperm aspiration "check", to see if he has any viable sperm. I was concentrating on not crying, so didn't even ask her any more questions, I just had to get out of there. I made the appt when I got home, they can't fit him in until the end of this month. I'm so frustrated, scared and lonely. I just want to fucking start. I have been waiting for two years. I have been so patient, so hopeful. I drove the one and a half hours home and cried for the rest of the day, went to bed crying, and am still crying. I seem to be having a bit of a meltdown, the dam has broken. I'm a bit shocked at my inability to cope today.

I have now left 2 messages for my RE to call me, but I'm not holding my breath. Evil Topcat thinks about how she must rake in the dough; Nice Topcat thinks she's doing her best.

I can't believe what a roller coaster this is already. There are stories out there so heartbreaking, so painful. I don't know how you women do it, I really don't. And I'm not even a softcock - I'm usually quite strong. The uncertainty and waiting is just excruciating. And you're not even guaranteed a happy ending! For the first time, I have weighed up whether I can do this; however the alternative is just as heartbreaking.

The waiting continues ...

Hopeful