A Funny Thing Happened at the Fertility Clinic Today

Well, onto stims I go. Picked up my white puffy pen today (2, in fact). Nurse Hurry quickly showed me how to do it - I gave the first one to myself, it didn't hurt at all. I was sure that I would get a lining scan. I mean, I didn't particularly want to meet Mr Wandmonkey, but due to weird ovulation pain a few days ago, I wanted to make sure my lining was nice and thin. I was all prepared. But no - they only do a scan after a week on Gonal F.

Earlier today, in a fertility clinic west of Sydney ...

Nurse Hurry: "Ok, so that's everything. See you next week."

Me: "Oh - I though I'd get ... a ... um ..." (tries to think of the proper name for Wandmonkey but fails ..) "Ummm, you know, the Wandmonkey."

Nurse Hurry: PISSING herself laughing. "The what!? Oh my goodness, I've never heard it called that before!"

Me: Laughing, but frantically searching memory banks for it's proper name ... "Oh, ha - I meant the dildo cam."

As soon as the words left my mouth I turned purple. Nurse Hurry was crouched over with laughter. She couldn't talk for a while, oh my God I'm laughing now it was so FUNNY. But so EMBARRASSING!!

Me: Pleading "Well - that's what they call it on infertility blogs!! What do you call it?"

Nurse Hurry: Wiping her eyes "Well, we just call it a probe."

She said she couldn't wait to tell all of the other nurses. (Can you imagine the laughter then!) Nurse Hurry said she lives in the mountains too - told me instead of driving all that way to the clinic (2 hours each way) for any drugs in the future, that I could just drive 20 mins to her house. How cool is that! She was so lovely - I certainly made an impression, so she won't be forgetting me anytime soon.

But I still kinda would've liked them to check my lining. Nurse Hurry told me that a lot of first cycles get cancelled, so don't be surprised if that happens. I really don't want that to happen. We shall see. I drove down there today BLARING U2. I really, really needed to hear Walk On. I had a lot of hope in my heart, and felt God/Universe/Love/Spirit/Nature right there with me. I thought of all of you lovely ladies in the IF trenches, on the other side; and everything in between. And I wished and prayed and hoped for us all.

Walk On

And love ... is not the easy thing

The only baggage you can bring ...

Is all that you can't leave behind

And if the darkness is to keep us apart

And if the daylight feels like it's a long way off

And if your glass heart should crack

And for a second you turn back

Oh no, be strong

Walk on, walk on

What you got they can’t steal it

No they can’t even feel it

Walk on, walk on ... Stay safe tonight

You're packing a suitcase for a place none of us has been

A place that has to be believed to be seen

You could have flown away

A singing bird in an open cage

Who will only fly, only fly for freedom

Walk on, walk on

What you've got they can't deny it

Can’t sell it, can’t buy it

Walk on, walk on

Stay safe tonight

And I know it aches

And your heart it breaks

And you can only take so much

Walk on, walk on

Home... hard to know what it is if you’ve never had one

Home... I can’t say where it is but I know I'm going home

That's where the hurt is

I know it aches

How your heart it breaks

And you can only take so much

Walk on, walk on

Leave it behind

You've got to leave it behind

All that you fashion

All that you make

All that you build

All that you break

All that you measure

All that you steal

All this you can leave behind

All that you reason

All that you sense

All that you speak

All you dress up

All that you scheme...

Blogs 4 Eva

I have been taking Synarel every 12 hours like clockwork - I think one morning I was 10 minutes late, but otherwise I've been really vigilant. Today I've had ovulation pain. I really, really hope I'm wrong. But I know my body pretty well ... all shall be revealed on Friday I guess.

Drove down to Sydney today to get my car serviced. The problem with having a fancy schmancy car is having to go to a fancy schmancy mechanic. I really didn't feel like going - weepy, anxious, ugly, yucky etc etc. I felt lost - even the shops couldn't cheer me up. I was self-conscious and weird, and everyone was better than me. I've decided that I'm only doing IVF once, as it's impacted me so much - physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually. (Yep - that about covers it!). I don't think I could go through it again. It's not fair on any of us. Thank God it's relatively quick once you get started, really.

I read this in the paper today - not dissimilar to all of the wonderful pregnancy blogs out there. Thank God for blogs! And good luck for your EPU on Friday Imy!!

Pathos

I just told Mr TC that by the end of this month we will (hopefully) be at retrieval/transfer stage, he literally choked on his cup of tea. "Shit! Fuck .... that's great!". I said I know - thank God, soon I will be put out of my misery, and we will know either way if this has a chance of working or not. I had another dream last night; that I had a girl. They are officially recurring, these baby girl dreams. Shizen!

New Things Topcat is Worried About:

1. The Synarel hasn't worked and I have ovulated ...
2. Mr Topcats spoof has eaten itself and is no longer ...
3. The depression that made such a nasty home for itself in my head last week will come back to visit ...
4. My next Big Kahuna appointment is on Friday, I think I may meet Mr Wandmonkey for the first time. Suddenly I'm shy ...
5. I hope shooting up stims goes ok.
6. This won't work and then I have a meltdown ...

Think that's about everything covered - oh, I guess, there is a chance .... that we manage to pull this off, get knocked up, and have a magnificent beautiful baby at the end of it all. Yeah - yeah there is that option too. I'm loving myself sick with that option.
I have come out of the IVF closet - with ONE person I know. It was such a relief. She knew quite a few people who'd done it, and succeeded. I really felt like I let a bit of steam out of the pressure cooker by confiding in her. Honesty IS the best policy. Who knew??
Please send some love to Von.






You're Alice's Adventures in Wonderland!

by Lewis Carroll

After stumbling down the wrong turn in life, you've had your mind
opened to a number of strange and curious things. As life grows curiouser and curiouser,
you have to ask yourself what's real and what's the picture of illusion. Little is coming
to your aid in discerning fantasy from fact, but the line between them is so blurry that
it's starting not to matter. Be careful around rabbit holes and those who smile to much,
and just avoid hat shops altogether.


Take the Book Quiz
at the Blue Pyramid.

"I'm dreaming of a white ...... puffy pen".

Nothing much to really say today. I have finally stopped crying (yay!!) ... and now just walk around like I'm in a kind of void. Strange. I had a dream that I was writing "Topcat waz 'ere" on a big, fat, white, puffy pen***. Then I realised that it was a Gonal F pen, that Mony had used it, gotten pregnant, signed it, and given it to me to use. Which I did, as I was signing it I realised it had worked and I was pregnant! Then I had to pass it on to someone else to get pregnant. It was very cool.

Hey - thanks to everyone who shared their funny (but not) Zipper horror stories!! Who knew!!

I went out to dinner last night - really didn't want to go, but was glad I did. There was a table of 12 of us, I was sandwiched in next to Mr TC and a good friend of mine. My phone alarm went off (thanks for the tip Vee) for my Synarel - it would have taken so long to get out and find a loo. I just said to my friend "Oh, s'cuse me I have to do something strange." And bent down and sniffed, very surreptitiously. She said "Oh, you poor thing, do you have a blocked nose?" I told her I did. I'm all class, really.

I was thinking of taking up a new hobby. What do you think of this?

*** Holy shit - just googling a funny image of a Gonal F pen to add to this post - they are white and puffy! Who knew! I choose to believe that it's a motherfucking sign!!

No Witty Title Today

This sucks. Yesterdays post was stupid, IVF is terrifying. I don't like it at all. The lack of control is BULLSHIT. About 8 years ago, some friends and I went to a carnival, we were celebrating my birthday. I have always, always loved scary rides - there was one there called the zipper. We all went on it, except my hubbie-to-be, he had to mind his daughter. (She was only three). Anyway, so we get on, it's like this warped ferris wheel, except you sit in cages instead. I was waving to Mr TC, apprehension was fun, blah blah .... the ride starts, and no joke - it was like being in a car crash. We were thrown around so sharply and so suddenly - in any direction at any given time. We hated it - I was yelling at Mr TC to stop the ride, he was too far away and just waved back, smiling. He didn't understand what was going on. The ride went on, and on, and on. We got hurt - there were no seatbelts! We were laughing, then crying. It was awful. I kept yelling "Stop! Stop!" To the ride operator, Mr TC, anyone. We resigned ourselves to it, and just bunkered down for the rest of it. We'd paid our money ... there was no backing out now. I gave in - just let it throw me around. Finally it stopped. The guy let everyone out, cage by cage. We were the last ones to be let out. Just before he opened the door to our freedom, he thought it would be funny to spin us around about 10 times. And we let him! At that point, we couldn't talk, seriously couldn't even voice a protest. We stumbled out, and had to go straight home. I had a migraine for the rest of the day and lost my brand new lipstick. My friends all threw up. Of course we all laugh about it now though - the folklore that is the Zipper Story.

Of course, it's easy to see where I'm going with this - IVF is the Zipper, don't know what to expect, paid our money, life is a rollercoaster, yah yah.

I'm living in Limboland. The uncertainty is sending me into a tailspin. Up and down and up and down ... the thought of going through all of this for nothing, freaks me out. And frankly, pisses me off. Today I am daring the Universe to deny me a baby ... c'mon prick, you wanna piss me off?? I've hardly stopped crying since yesterday afternoon - my oven broke, then my computer fucks up and BANG. Suddenly everything is all too much and I'm in bed at 6pm sobbing my heart out, but thinking "Wtf? Where did all this come from? I was doing so well!"

I cleaned out my whole pantry today - crying. Chopped wood - crying. Picked up Tiger from school with dark sunnies on - crying. Did some writing, had a shower, cooked dinner - crying crying crying. Right now? Crying.

It could just be my hormones, fuckin with me. It could be the fact that I refuse to tell anyone that I'm doing IVF, because it's so private. Hence I have no-one to offload on. I feel very alone. I am off balance and out of kilter. There's hay in my wire. I'm so used to having all my shit together, ya know? I'm annoyed - at wanting this, this one thing SO VERY MUCH. All of the women who go through repeated cycles - WOW. I take my hat off to them.

Any cracks that were in my life pre-IVF ... well, they now all look like caverns. Overwhelming feelings of dissatisfaction, longing, and sadness prevail.

*SIGH*

And yet ... deep deep DEEP down, in the murkiness somewhere - I know I'm ok. Truly. I do have perspective. I already live with masses of gratitiude for where I'm at in my life anyway. I know I can get through this .. Limboland Inferno. (Oh, fuck off Pollyanna).

9 Sleeps til Stims!! Woo-hoo!!

I went to jail yesterday. Scares me every time. There's always two of us there that run the meeting, we set up, boil the jug, get the literature out, put the 12 step banners up. I always feel like a freakin Mormon - until I share a part of my story, then they stop looking at me like I'm some kind of glasses-wearing nerd (ahem) - and start identifying with what I have to say. My story is pretty horrific - I could never write a memoir. I could write fiction that secretly is a memoir though. The women started to trickle in - HANGING for us to open the packs of bikkies. There were about 15 of us there - I looked around the room, my gaze drawn directly to a big belly. Wow. She looked so young, so pretty ... and so pregnant. I asked her to share, but she was too shy. After the meeting, she thanked us and left, holding her tummy. I wanted to run after her, ask a million questions "Are you ok? How long are you in for? Who's the father?" And the biggest question - are you clean? I hope she is. My heart breaks when I think of kids with addicts/alcoholic parents. It's dreadful.

Ok - stepping off the soapbox .... thank goodness for getting off the BCPs, I can really notice the difference. I don't want to punch people in the head anymore! Yay for me! The Synarel is going well - no side effects, really. Sometimes I feel like the spray isn't big enough or something, but it probably is. AF came on Saturday - how funny is it that you need to ring up, announce your crimson tide to the nurse! "Yes, it IS a full flow!!" My next appt is Friday week. I sounded so happy on the phone to her - "To start stims??" (Uhh, yes) "Ok GREAT!! I'll see you then!" Truth is, I am excited. I love sniffing every 12 hours. Bring on the Gonal Gonad. I love being pro-active about my baby making escapades, instead of just dreaming/pining/aching about it. Terrified as well of - that's a given, isn't it? I'm starting to worry about Mr TCs sperm. Because I have to worry about SOMETHING.

Well, I finally made it onto Cyclesista. I seriously was starting to think I wasn't "allowed" to be on there!! Thank you, Lut!! Funny thing is - my real name went on there first, which I got all paranoid about (don't really know why - I just don't want anyone IRL to accidently find me). So after haranguing for so long, I had to get it changed. Topcat the pest. I have an unusual real name - they thought it was a pseudonym!

After the meeting in the jail yesterday, I had to use the visitors loo. I forgot to take a tampon in with me - there, sitting on top of the cupboard, was a brand new pack of pads. So I used one. Walked out, past the guards, sirens blaring, out through the scary maximum security walls ... I rang my sister, pissing myself laughing, choking on the words. She was laughing at me laughing. "What? What?" I finally managed to get it out - "I've got ..... I've got a PRISON PAD ON!!!" Laughing nutbags together. God I heart her.

Synarel Tastes Like Speed

Standing in the reception area at the fertility clinic yesterday, my gaze kept creeping back to the poster they have on the wall - amazing full colour photos of stages of fetal development, at the end was a beautiful photo of a newborn lying on its mother, immediately after birth. As I handed over the money needed to pay for my baby (knowing full well that no,when it comes to IVF, sadly every player does not win a prize) I wondered how many women had looked at that poster with an aching heart. I certainly was.

The nurse came out, greeting me with my file, saying "So, Topcat - you can't start treatment yet." WTF!!!! I didn't cry - I had already cried the three hours it took to get there. I was out of tears. Again. Let's start from the beginning ...

I was an hour and a half late for my appt - even after leaving home before 6.30am. The freeway was detoured, for fucks sake. Tiger had woken up so, so sick - crying, didn't want me to go. I felt so bad. Then the epic journey. Traffic was so, so bad. I got lost and rang Mr TC. Three hours - but not. It actually took almost three years to get to that appointment yesterday. This shit's like a freakin N1ntend0 game from hell. (Later, as I watched the news, I saw the heartbreak of people not even making it home from their journeys. Got a big dose of perspective, and gratitude. My heart goes out to the families)

I sat in the corridor, waiting for the nurse to call the doctor to decide my fate. It was run down, weary, and old. A lot like how I felt. Anyhoo, the go-ahead was given (FARRRRKKK) .... I had an interview, which was SO informative. The nurse was so lovely, caring. She suddenly asked "Do you want some Fantales?" Hell yeah!! I haven't had one of those for years! Nurse Fantale arrived back with four, we got 2 each. They stuck to my teeth so I just nodded when she asked me something. She gave me a demo of Synarel, and then my own brand spankin new bottle. We talked and laughed, I forgot all of my questions but she was so detailed I didn't need them anyway. I asked about the statistics - not great! She said they did approx 820 embryo transfers last year - about 35% resulted in a take-home baby. (Sounds like a take-home box of ice cream). Now, those stats are on a broad range of women, ages of 25 to 43, with fertility issues all diverse. But ..... if I was in Vegas, those odds aint great. But .... I hate odds at the best of times. Actually, I've been defeating odds for years ... why should I stop now!!

So, every 12 hours is the Synarel Sniffing Situation - anyone think this tastes like speed? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller? Ummmmm, no, I'd have no idea either. Ahem. Moving right along to the DRUMROLL ..... no more BCP's. Hurrah! I've been spotting the last few days, AF is hanging to visit, hopefully she'll come right on cue.

I was goofing around with Tiger yesterday arvo - and heard Mr TC come in, asking where I was. I called from the other room "Why - so you can give me my flowers?" He walked in to give me my flowers. I can't REMEMBER the last time he's done that. It was so lovely. Later, he was genuinely interested in what had happened, what's next, etc. I was telling him how Synarel turns your hormones off, kinda like a fake menopause. He goes "Menopause? Isn't that what you get once a month?" I tried to keep a straight face - no, that's menstruation sweetie. Tee hee. Mr TC is quite sure this will work - I had to tell him, tears welling "Look, we need to prepare ourselves that it might not." He nodded - he looked so concerned. I felt slack logging on - to see the picture I posted previously. Oops!

I finally understand why I have immersed myself in blogland like this .... it's to make the abnormal normal. I already knew everything Nurse Fantale said to me yesterday. Triggers and follies and hCg and iodine .... there's not much left for me to know about it all .... except if all of this effort and longing and energy is worth it.

Right now - I feel excited and apprehensive - relieved to actually be in the game. It's a careful balance of caution and hope. "I hope it works for me! But I need to stay grounded. But I'm closer to being pregnant now! But this might not work. Oh - googling baby names, what a great idea! Don't put all of your eggs in one petri dish."