Thursday, 9 August 2007

No Witty Title Today

This sucks. Yesterdays post was stupid, IVF is terrifying. I don't like it at all. The lack of control is BULLSHIT. About 8 years ago, some friends and I went to a carnival, we were celebrating my birthday. I have always, always loved scary rides - there was one there called the zipper. We all went on it, except my hubbie-to-be, he had to mind his daughter. (She was only three). Anyway, so we get on, it's like this warped ferris wheel, except you sit in cages instead. I was waving to Mr TC, apprehension was fun, blah blah .... the ride starts, and no joke - it was like being in a car crash. We were thrown around so sharply and so suddenly - in any direction at any given time. We hated it - I was yelling at Mr TC to stop the ride, he was too far away and just waved back, smiling. He didn't understand what was going on. The ride went on, and on, and on. We got hurt - there were no seatbelts! We were laughing, then crying. It was awful. I kept yelling "Stop! Stop!" To the ride operator, Mr TC, anyone. We resigned ourselves to it, and just bunkered down for the rest of it. We'd paid our money ... there was no backing out now. I gave in - just let it throw me around. Finally it stopped. The guy let everyone out, cage by cage. We were the last ones to be let out. Just before he opened the door to our freedom, he thought it would be funny to spin us around about 10 times. And we let him! At that point, we couldn't talk, seriously couldn't even voice a protest. We stumbled out, and had to go straight home. I had a migraine for the rest of the day and lost my brand new lipstick. My friends all threw up. Of course we all laugh about it now though - the folklore that is the Zipper Story.

Of course, it's easy to see where I'm going with this - IVF is the Zipper, don't know what to expect, paid our money, life is a rollercoaster, yah yah.

I'm living in Limboland. The uncertainty is sending me into a tailspin. Up and down and up and down ... the thought of going through all of this for nothing, freaks me out. And frankly, pisses me off. Today I am daring the Universe to deny me a baby ... c'mon prick, you wanna piss me off?? I've hardly stopped crying since yesterday afternoon - my oven broke, then my computer fucks up and BANG. Suddenly everything is all too much and I'm in bed at 6pm sobbing my heart out, but thinking "Wtf? Where did all this come from? I was doing so well!"

I cleaned out my whole pantry today - crying. Chopped wood - crying. Picked up Tiger from school with dark sunnies on - crying. Did some writing, had a shower, cooked dinner - crying crying crying. Right now? Crying.

It could just be my hormones, fuckin with me. It could be the fact that I refuse to tell anyone that I'm doing IVF, because it's so private. Hence I have no-one to offload on. I feel very alone. I am off balance and out of kilter. There's hay in my wire. I'm so used to having all my shit together, ya know? I'm annoyed - at wanting this, this one thing SO VERY MUCH. All of the women who go through repeated cycles - WOW. I take my hat off to them.

Any cracks that were in my life pre-IVF ... well, they now all look like caverns. Overwhelming feelings of dissatisfaction, longing, and sadness prevail.

*SIGH*

And yet ... deep deep DEEP down, in the murkiness somewhere - I know I'm ok. Truly. I do have perspective. I already live with masses of gratitiude for where I'm at in my life anyway. I know I can get through this .. Limboland Inferno. (Oh, fuck off Pollyanna).

12 comments:

Chas said...

Yes, it is all very emotional. I also didn't tell anyone when I did my fresh cycle, and it is very lonely. This time around, w/ the frozen cycle, at least I'm blogging about it, which actually has been helpful. Good luck! And the constant crying is probably just the hormones..don't worry, it'll pass.ht

Reproductive Jeans said...

So emotional.....words dont describe it! I am so hoping for you!!

Amy R said...

I totally understand this roller coaster ride. It is crazy. I'm also undergoing IVF #1. I hope we both get lucky :)

Fertilize Me said...

Dear One - I am saying a prayer for you - you are in my thoughts

Von said...

Offload onto me.............I'm up for it if you are.
Just have to nip out for about 4 hours. I'll send you my email address if you would like?
Let me know.

Mony said...

You can do it. You CAN do it.

I had a horror Zipper ride at Sydfest about 20 years ago, my cousin was screaming at the operator to stop because I was being pulverised in that stupid cage (no restraints??!!) I can still hear her praying!

Geohde said...

Yeah, It sucks to have no real choice but IVF. It sucks to actually HAVE to do it.

Alexa said...

Oh, I so understand. I always hated rollercoasters, and yet here I am...

Imogen and David said...

I got out of my cage, puked, and almost passed out. IVF couldn't be any worse for us than that bastard of a ride surely?!

r.a.w. said...

I HATE THE ZIPPER!!!! I am going to have to tell my brother there are others like us (he was on it at the church carnival with me). Thank you for the analogy - that is what I am going to tell him this is like (giving you full credit, of course). He will have an idea, as he is still traumatized by the d@mn thing.

Evil Stepmonster said...

Ah yes, the old IVF zipper ride....
Its a horror ride for sure and we actually pay for it?!

Don't worry you are not alone and you are not going insane - its that damn evil Synarel messing with your head. I always felt better once the injections started.

I wish you all the luck in the world that this cycle is successful and you don't have to get on this ride ever again.

minus one said...

I can't believe the Zipper is an international phenomenon! I remember my first ride well. I LOVE you analogy! And if you've never been on the Zipper/IF you just don't understand the terror.

My heart is aching for you right now. Yes, maybe the hormones are fucking with you, but it doesn't make it any easier to deal with in the moment.

I am glad that you are here, sharing your feelings, experiences and insight.