Tuesday, 28 August 2007

Trigger Happy

I don't know what I'm more impressed by - the fact that I went to such great lengths to try and bear a child, or that I balanced all of my drugs on one hand to take this photo today. (Except the TWO BIG BOXES of Crinone Gel. Oooooh, can't wait for those fuckers! Not!)

So, above, in Order of Appearance, we have Synarel, Australian Bush Flower Remedy She-Oak, my two fertility crystals I take to every appointment, the infamous white Gonal F puffy pen, and balanced perfectly at the end is my trigger shot I'll be giving myself tonight ... in less than an hour, yikes!

Feeling much better today, and getting more excited as time goes on. I'm basically waddling now, and grossing myself out when I think of all the eggs growing inside me. Like spawn, or algae, or mutants. It just doesn't seem .... right. But - I stimulated them! And they grew! And one of them might turn into a baby! Oh wow! Isn't technology amazing? I remember being a kid back in the early eighties, when the 'Test Tube Babies' blanketed the news. And now, I'm doing everything in my power to conceive one. That's the thing though - in the end, it's not in my power.

I will find a quiet space tomorrow, and have a little chat with the soul I'm hoping is about to come down and live with us here. One-on-one. I will be as pleasant, convincing, and loving as I can. How can I yearn for someone I have never met? Oh, the ache!

I have been a full-time stepmum to my stepson for the past six years. He's 15 now, and went back to live with his mother in March this year. I love my fake son immensely (he calls me fakemum) ... but it's been hard work! And last week, he rang his dad to ask if he could come back and live with us at Christmas. At other stages over the years, hubbies 2 girls have stayed with us too. I'm a pretty good wife - cook, clean, plus work from home. I went to parenting groups to learn how to be a good stepmother - and mother to Tiger. My hubby makes most of the "big" decisions around things, which suits me just fine. I am haphazard, a daydreamer, vague.

But this - this big, massive decision to try for another child - that was all mine. Because this is my life too, and I'm no-ones sidekick. Nobody puts Baby in a corner. I'm so damn SURE about this. I've worked so hard in my life, to get where I am. I am a good and decent person, and deserve this as much as anyone. What's scary is that I have never let myself want something so badly as I want this. And I want this. But we aren't given everything we want in this life, are we?

I need to have a contingency plan, in case ... in case all of the three pregnancy tests I bought at Coles last week stay snow white. Because that could happen, and I need to be real about it. I usually have a feeling about things - but this is just too big. It's all encompassing. Of course, somewhere deep down I'm praying and hoping that it will happen straight up. Ahhhh, fuck it. Just get to egg retrieval first, the rest will unfold as it will.

I am a little concerned over Mr TCs PESA - I really, really hope his sperm are .... alive! Shit! Can you imagine! *shudder* The possibilities for fuckups are endless!

My, what a long post. But wait! There's more! I'll put the kttle on for you - while I just go and have a little TRIGGER SHOT! Shheeeeiiiittt!

5 minutes later ...

Well, as with most of the physical side of this IVF fiasco so far ... that went pretty well! It's the mental side that gets me! Just did the trigger shot - the needle was a bit bigger, but not much. I think I injected an air bubble - oh well, it will just add to my trumpet playing in the morning! Ha!

Lastly - thank you to everyone who has left such warm, uplifting comments for me. I appreciate it so, so much. You lifted my spirit this morning. You're all invited over for dinner. I'll make a lamb roast! Seriously - the ability of women to connect and inspire and nurture each other is centuries old. Computers just make it more accessible. I won't post now until after ER on Thursday. (ER are my initials! It's a sign!) Ohhh - how I have WILLED my husbands vas to unknot itself over the years, and let a few spermies swim my way! Now there's no escaping it!

Mr TC's chemo-survived sperm plus Topcats mutant algae eggs = True Love 4 Eva xoxoxooxo


Delenn said...

Good luck with Egg Retrieval!

Imogen and David said...

Good luck for your EPU! I can't wait to hear all about it :)

Fertilize Me said...

Breath Easy and Deep - Good luck to you on Thursday!!!! sending my good thoughts your way -- all the way from Fl.if i start now, I think they'll make it to you in time ;)

Stacie said...

I am rooting for you!!!!

Hope the ER gives you loads of eggies!

Jen said...

Good luck! I am rooting for your mutant algae eggs to do the trick!

Chas said...

I remember being as nervous waiting for the results of my husbands PESA as I have ever been in my life. Oh, I don't envy you at all right now. Good luck with everything! I can't wait to hear how it all goes!!

Gemini Girl said...

Topcat.. my prayers are with your hubby's sperm and your eggs. Please let them meet and create a beautiful life that will thrive and bring joy to your lives.

You have been very strong throughout and we are here if you need anything. We will also be here during the dreaded 2ww.

By the way- I dont eat lamb- can be have chicken? :)

Amy R said...

Best of luck Topcat; I'm wishing you tons of eggs at ER time. You're 'Nobody puts Baby in a corner' comment on your blog CRACKED ME UP! :)

anna said...

Good luck...I'll be thinking of you! Let those little spermies meet your algae eggs!

Evil Stepmonster said...

I sooo hear you on this entire post. It is scary to put so much hope (so much of our lives) into one thing, but I reckon we put up with so much that surely we do deserve the few good things we ask for.
May your mutant gametes find love at first site.
PS; I bet you're a great fake mum.

r.a.w. said...

Looking forward to hearing how the ER goes, ER! GLad we've all be able to be of some help here in bloggy-land. It's a great place to go to find someone who "gets" it...

Gemini Girl said...

Still thinking about you.....hope everything went ok. Please post when you can (I'm a neurotic Jew ok?)

Angie said...

Wishing you all the luck in the world today, and for the next several months ;-)