No Witty Title Today

This sucks. Yesterdays post was stupid, IVF is terrifying. I don't like it at all. The lack of control is BULLSHIT. About 8 years ago, some friends and I went to a carnival, we were celebrating my birthday. I have always, always loved scary rides - there was one there called the zipper. We all went on it, except my hubbie-to-be, he had to mind his daughter. (She was only three). Anyway, so we get on, it's like this warped ferris wheel, except you sit in cages instead. I was waving to Mr TC, apprehension was fun, blah blah .... the ride starts, and no joke - it was like being in a car crash. We were thrown around so sharply and so suddenly - in any direction at any given time. We hated it - I was yelling at Mr TC to stop the ride, he was too far away and just waved back, smiling. He didn't understand what was going on. The ride went on, and on, and on. We got hurt - there were no seatbelts! We were laughing, then crying. It was awful. I kept yelling "Stop! Stop!" To the ride operator, Mr TC, anyone. We resigned ourselves to it, and just bunkered down for the rest of it. We'd paid our money ... there was no backing out now. I gave in - just let it throw me around. Finally it stopped. The guy let everyone out, cage by cage. We were the last ones to be let out. Just before he opened the door to our freedom, he thought it would be funny to spin us around about 10 times. And we let him! At that point, we couldn't talk, seriously couldn't even voice a protest. We stumbled out, and had to go straight home. I had a migraine for the rest of the day and lost my brand new lipstick. My friends all threw up. Of course we all laugh about it now though - the folklore that is the Zipper Story.

Of course, it's easy to see where I'm going with this - IVF is the Zipper, don't know what to expect, paid our money, life is a rollercoaster, yah yah.

I'm living in Limboland. The uncertainty is sending me into a tailspin. Up and down and up and down ... the thought of going through all of this for nothing, freaks me out. And frankly, pisses me off. Today I am daring the Universe to deny me a baby ... c'mon prick, you wanna piss me off?? I've hardly stopped crying since yesterday afternoon - my oven broke, then my computer fucks up and BANG. Suddenly everything is all too much and I'm in bed at 6pm sobbing my heart out, but thinking "Wtf? Where did all this come from? I was doing so well!"

I cleaned out my whole pantry today - crying. Chopped wood - crying. Picked up Tiger from school with dark sunnies on - crying. Did some writing, had a shower, cooked dinner - crying crying crying. Right now? Crying.

It could just be my hormones, fuckin with me. It could be the fact that I refuse to tell anyone that I'm doing IVF, because it's so private. Hence I have no-one to offload on. I feel very alone. I am off balance and out of kilter. There's hay in my wire. I'm so used to having all my shit together, ya know? I'm annoyed - at wanting this, this one thing SO VERY MUCH. All of the women who go through repeated cycles - WOW. I take my hat off to them.

Any cracks that were in my life pre-IVF ... well, they now all look like caverns. Overwhelming feelings of dissatisfaction, longing, and sadness prevail.

*SIGH*

And yet ... deep deep DEEP down, in the murkiness somewhere - I know I'm ok. Truly. I do have perspective. I already live with masses of gratitiude for where I'm at in my life anyway. I know I can get through this .. Limboland Inferno. (Oh, fuck off Pollyanna).