ER gets an ER in the ER ****Fert Update****

My sister Tee sent me a text this morning, saying that she made her son eggs for brekkie - in my honour. When she rang later this arvo, I said "Well - did you make TWENTY TWO EGGS???"

• The alarm went off at 5am, I turned to Mr TC and smiled. He goes "Oooooh, D-Day!"
• At one stage today, there was a waiting room full of lovely TTC girls, expectantly waiting to be expectant. The conversation was buzzing, we were all comparing, anxious, excited. I looked around and thought, wow - imagine all of the eggs in this room right now!!
• The actual procedure was in an operating room, filled with scientists, nurses, two doctors, and an aneisthatist (sp). I was so shocked! I thought it would be much less informal. I thought, "Shit, SO many people will be looking up my clacker today!"
• Ummm, the junkie in me was a bit "Ooooooh, goodie - SEDATION". Oops!
• I can't believe a male nurse changed my soiled pad - three times today. This IVF world is really full of firsts.
• Twenty-two eggies. Twenty fucking two - I cannot BELIEVE we have made it this far. I'm so grateful.
• I have been so, so sick all afternoon (vomiting, nauseous) - but am much better now. Well, I was until I read about Vons Delicious Maggot Soup. Von you simply MUST give me the recipe!!

And now - can I just say, I love my husband? I love him so much. I can't believe what he did for me today. When I say he's not that crash hot about the whole 'nother baby idea, well he's not - but of course, part of him is excited and anxious about it too. He is the best dad. To all of his kids - which is amazing, considering he never had a dad.
The poor, poor thing - he's very sore! The first thing he said when he came to see me after his PESA was "You tricked me!" (I underestimated how sore it would be). The best, most amazing part of today - MY HUSBAND HAS MILLIONS OF SPERM!!!!!!!!! SQUILLIONS!!!!!!!!! The doc let him look at it under the microscope, he said there was so much, they were all swimming around!
I said, "Shit! You're like a cockroach after a nuclear bomb! Nothing can stop you!" (Yes I know, I'm quite romantic too.) He showed me when we got home - MASSIVE purple bruise on his testicles! What a way to a girls heart!
I'm so overwhelmed - driving home, I teared up, and told Mr TC that what he did today - was the most amazing, most giving thing anyone had ever done for me in my life. And how much I love him.
So tonight, right now, right this second, in a hospital clinic west of Sydney, some of Mr TC's MANY sperm are all dressed up, on their best behaviour .... one may even have a rose clenched in his teeth .... smooth talking the hell out of my freshly harvested eggs. "How YOU doin'?"
Please send them Barry White thoughts!
Fertilisation report tomorrow ..... transfer on Saturday. WOW WOW WOW OMG!




***** Lab just rang with the news -
22 eggs retrieved
19 mature
12 fertilised
She said they're "looking great!"
Transfer booked in at 8am tomorrow morning. We will be getting the best one transferred, and the rest frozen. (Mr TC is TERRIFIED of twins). This is surreal. It's like making it into the stadium after the marathon, to run the final lap. You're exhausted, but the end is in sight! And what a prize! Holy CRAP!!! Go the over-use of exclamation marks!!!!!!!
I'll have to leave home around 6am. I'm madly finishing off articles and cleaning the house today, so I can sit on my big fat arse all weekend. I've already hired out the complete fifth series of Scrubs. I'm worried that I have to drive home after the transfer. I've heard that you're supposed to just rest as much as you can after it? I'm already practicing not flexing my tummy AT ALL, and my sisters are on strict instructions to not be funny. I told them I don't want to laugh the embryo out. Embryo!!! We made an embryo!! Actually - we made a few! Sorry for the gush ..... but ISN'T LIFE AMAZING!! To think, we all started up a teeny bunch of cells. Mindblowing.
I can't WAIT to catch up on everyone properly. oxoxoxoxoxo

Trigger Happy

I don't know what I'm more impressed by - the fact that I went to such great lengths to try and bear a child, or that I balanced all of my drugs on one hand to take this photo today. (Except the TWO BIG BOXES of Crinone Gel. Oooooh, can't wait for those fuckers! Not!)

So, above, in Order of Appearance, we have Synarel, Australian Bush Flower Remedy She-Oak, my two fertility crystals I take to every appointment, the infamous white Gonal F puffy pen, and balanced perfectly at the end is my trigger shot I'll be giving myself tonight ... in less than an hour, yikes!

Feeling much better today, and getting more excited as time goes on. I'm basically waddling now, and grossing myself out when I think of all the eggs growing inside me. Like spawn, or algae, or mutants. It just doesn't seem .... right. But - I stimulated them! And they grew! And one of them might turn into a baby! Oh wow! Isn't technology amazing? I remember being a kid back in the early eighties, when the 'Test Tube Babies' blanketed the news. And now, I'm doing everything in my power to conceive one. That's the thing though - in the end, it's not in my power.

I will find a quiet space tomorrow, and have a little chat with the soul I'm hoping is about to come down and live with us here. One-on-one. I will be as pleasant, convincing, and loving as I can. How can I yearn for someone I have never met? Oh, the ache!

I have been a full-time stepmum to my stepson for the past six years. He's 15 now, and went back to live with his mother in March this year. I love my fake son immensely (he calls me fakemum) ... but it's been hard work! And last week, he rang his dad to ask if he could come back and live with us at Christmas. At other stages over the years, hubbies 2 girls have stayed with us too. I'm a pretty good wife - cook, clean, plus work from home. I went to parenting groups to learn how to be a good stepmother - and mother to Tiger. My hubby makes most of the "big" decisions around things, which suits me just fine. I am haphazard, a daydreamer, vague.

But this - this big, massive decision to try for another child - that was all mine. Because this is my life too, and I'm no-ones sidekick. Nobody puts Baby in a corner. I'm so damn SURE about this. I've worked so hard in my life, to get where I am. I am a good and decent person, and deserve this as much as anyone. What's scary is that I have never let myself want something so badly as I want this. And I want this. But we aren't given everything we want in this life, are we?

I need to have a contingency plan, in case ... in case all of the three pregnancy tests I bought at Coles last week stay snow white. Because that could happen, and I need to be real about it. I usually have a feeling about things - but this is just too big. It's all encompassing. Of course, somewhere deep down I'm praying and hoping that it will happen straight up. Ahhhh, fuck it. Just get to egg retrieval first, the rest will unfold as it will.

I am a little concerned over Mr TCs PESA - I really, really hope his sperm are .... alive! Shit! Can you imagine! *shudder* The possibilities for fuckups are endless!

My, what a long post. But wait! There's more! I'll put the kttle on for you - while I just go and have a little TRIGGER SHOT! Shheeeeiiiittt!

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5 minutes later ...

Well, as with most of the physical side of this IVF fiasco so far ... that went pretty well! It's the mental side that gets me! Just did the trigger shot - the needle was a bit bigger, but not much. I think I injected an air bubble - oh well, it will just add to my trumpet playing in the morning! Ha!

Lastly - thank you to everyone who has left such warm, uplifting comments for me. I appreciate it so, so much. You lifted my spirit this morning. You're all invited over for dinner. I'll make a lamb roast! Seriously - the ability of women to connect and inspire and nurture each other is centuries old. Computers just make it more accessible. I won't post now until after ER on Thursday. (ER are my initials! It's a sign!) Ohhh - how I have WILLED my husbands vas to unknot itself over the years, and let a few spermies swim my way! Now there's no escaping it!

Mr TC's chemo-survived sperm plus Topcats mutant algae eggs = True Love 4 Eva xoxoxooxo

The Show Must Go On ...

Walking into the ultrasound room for my booked abdominal ultrasound, the tech guy told me to empty my bladder. I pointed to the Wandmonkey "But, I'm not getting .... that. I'm getting a tummy one?" He read the notes, looked confused, animated talking to the nurses. I stood there having drunk a litre of water, waiting. My clinic is like a production line - get em in, get em out, whatever you do, don't read their fucking files.

*sigh*

Bottom line - good! I am the proud owner of a bouncing left ovary! (He's just very shy)
14 follicles! Trigger tomorrow! Retrieval Thursday morning! Transfer on Saturday!

I'm so sorry for the whine, but I feel SHIT. I think the novelty has worn off now. This has truly been a hard slog - and every. Single. Nurse. Asks me is this my first IVF. Which leads me to believe that most people do this a few times. I'm not doing this a few times. This is it.
*sigh*

I knew I needed to tell people IRL about what I was up to ... welcome Tee and Rex, to your sister Topcats blog. I love you guys, and thanks so much for your support already.

I have taken the pill and snorted Synarel and SHOT UP for fucks sake. I have kept my arms and legs inside the carriage, gone around and up and down. Now I just need to get off. I can't wait to just get off.

The Eggs are Gettin Bigger

Goodness me. Two more sleeps until:

1) We solve the case of the missing ovary
2) I know when/if/how I will trigger.

I have come to look forward to the long drives down and back to the hospital. And I love .... the Gonal F injections. They were the things I was most worried about! I remember earlier this year, finding out EXACTLY what doing IVF entailed, and crying so hard, I couldn't believe how invasive it was. But, I guess you kind of get used to it. It's amazing how we adapt, how the abnormal becomes normal.

So, I'm pretty sure I'm responding well. (Yay!) My tummy feels like this. I have to hold it to laugh. I showed off to Mr TC tonight with my Puffy White Pen, and made him squirm as I shot up. Felt pretty fucking tough.

I can't actually believe that I'll make it to retrieval, it seems so surreal. After all these years. Sometimes I feel like there's a baby up there**, guiding me on, waiting .... and other times I just feel that this will all turn to shit, I'll have a MAJOR meltdown and howl at the Gods and take up smoking again and fly by myself to Paris on a whim. Strange.

I'm right smack bang in the middle of an IVF cycle. It's safe in the middle. I like it here. Big bloated gut and all - it's safe. The beginning was terrifying. And the end?

I have abso-fucken-lutely no idea.

** Up there as in heaven-type up there. Not up-the-vagina kind of up there.

The Frustrating Case of the Missing Left Ovary

Back in May, I had an ultrasound to check all my bits were in place to start IVF. Then, the nurse couldn't find my left ovary, said it was behind some bowel gas. I have always, always been gassy. (Soz for the TMI). Seriously - my best friend in high school used to say "How are you ever going to get married with that trumpet playing every morning?"

This morning, I met Mr Wandmonkey for the first time. I was pleasantly surprised - I actually said "Wow, he's much skinnier than I thought!" I think I was expecting a big fat black dildo - he was very sleek and slimline. So during todays probing, Nurse Rosa's checking all my innards out, pointing things out to me. The good news is, my right ovary is coming along nicely. She counted eight follies on rightie, the largest being 11mm. Not ready to trigger though - which I was a bit (VERY) bummed about. Darn those expectations - they get you every time.

Then onto left ovary. Leftie? Leftie? Bueller? (That was for you Mony) Where the fuck my left ovary is, I have no idea. Nurse Rosa was SO lovely and apologetic. Because it bloody hurt - she was digging around in there for over ten minutes. Probe indeed. She finally asked "So, are you even sure you have two ovaries?" Ummm - no, I'm not sure. She said it could be obscured by bowel gas, but I've heard that before. I go back on Monday for another scan, this time with a sonographer. I told Nurse Rosa that I'll stay off the baked beans.

So, shit! Any assvice would be greatly appreciated. The good news is, she told me that my right ovary is doing well, and producing more follies than people sometimes get from both ovaries. The bad news is, I'm doing IVF and it frankly sucks. I wish I could create a baby with my husband without medical intervention. It's cold, clinical, unnatural, and makes me cry. A lot.

On the Sixth Day ... Let There Be Reeds

This morning I told Mr Topcat that my follicles feel like reeds in a pond. He almost gagged. But I'm excited - finally, after six days of stimming, the nuns piss might actually be doing something. I'm bloated, and can feel .... things goin on. Wish I had special Babymaking Goggles that I could put on and see what's happening inside my belly. How cool! You'd be able to watch, after embryo transfer, to see if this shit works or not. Fuck the HPT's. It'd be like CNNNN, with updates every hour, on the hour. "And breaking news .... we have implantation!" And watch it all happen.

Oops, did I just think all that out loud?

All will be revealed tomorrow morning, with the Deep Space Anal Probe #1. I mean the Wandmonkey. He's not getting out of it this time! He's goin DOWN. (Ha - he really is ..)

Mr TC think "Bill is a great name hon." I said ummm, well, that's my dads name, remember? (Drunken violent Scottish dad who our mother left when I was four, he died of said alcoholism when I was 12).

Mr TC: "Oh, that doesn't matter hon. Bill's a cool name".

Me: "Yeah .... but that was my DADS name." (Thinking, bad idea to even talk of names before the actual egg retrieval, no?)

Mr TC: "But you never even knew your dad".

Me: "EXACTLY!"

Actually I have 2 dead dads. Our stepdad of eleven years topped himself when I was 16. I have been to so many funerals - both close friends and family. At last count it was 23 funerals I have attended. SO much death, I guess it's why I obsess over the "what's it all about" scenario, try not to waste a single day anymore. I realised today that it is 24 years ago exactly that our "real" (ha) dad died. I rang my sister, laughing. She told me she was in a lift.

Me: "Happy Anniversary!"

Tezz: "What for?"

Me: "It's 24 years since Bill died!" Pissing myself laughing. (I know that's weird, but after so much bullshit and crap and therapy, my sisters and I are finally reconciling our ridiculously dreadful family life. Plus, we just think that shit's funny)

Tezz: "How the fuck do you even KNOW that!!" We just laughed together, her in a lift in Double Bay, me driving through Katoomba's fog.

Me: "Tezz, we really do put the FUN in dysFUNctional".

I will have a detailed account of "What the Dildocam Saw" tomorrow. Hope everyone's cool. xoxoxox

Life Imitates Art Imitates Blog

This has been my view this past winter. It shall forevermore be known as "That crazy fucked up IVF winter of 07". (The specks on the ground are woodchips, not skanky mess. I promise). In these last few months, I have seriously worn out a patch on the rug near the fire, as I diligently perused, commented, empathised, cried, and posted. Mr TC pointed it out yesterday - "Look, your heat-hugging has wrecked the rug." No - my blogging has wrecked the rug. But it's saved my sanity! The weather is slowly getting warmer, the countdown is now on for spring. I find myself wondering ... will I have a newborn next winter? Will I? I find myself closer than I ever dared to dream .... leaving me simultaneously exhilarated (that it will happen) and terrified (that it won't happen).

Peculiarly, I'm enjoying the stims. I'm on a mission. It feels so darn PURPOSEFUL. Right after I sniff the Synarel, I find myself counting down until 8.20pm, whereupon I lovingly caress the Gonal-F white puffy pen, twist the dial, change the tip. It doesn't really hurt that much as I plunge it in my belly; the manhand can plunge and release all in one swift motion. I'm not feeling many twinges or movement in the ovary vicinity .... last night I felt bloated and told Mr TC. His response? "You sure you don't need to take a crap?" I looked deeply into his eyes, and said "Wow, you are SO romantic hon." He walked off, laughing. "I know".

Thing is - I don't even know what Gonal-F IS. Something to do with nuns piss, or synthetic FSH that Chinese hamsters make. All I know is - I need 150ml of it every night, to help grow as many follies/eggs as I can. And that usually, after the injection, I walk back downstairs singing Wa Wa Nee's "Stimulation" - 'All I need to get is stimulation, so get me up against the wall ...'

Oooooh, pass the popcorn the suspense is killing me. Holy crap. I'm quite excited now. I believe the worst part about IVF is the WAITING beforehand. Always felt like a waste of valuable time to me. These eggs aren't getting any younger!

Poor Mr TC - during Rove tonight, I googled video footage of a PESA procedure and showed him. He lay sprawled on the lounge, transfixed, cupping his balls, howling. I felt sorry for him and overwhelmed with love - so he got lucky tonight. Ahem ...