Friday, 16 May 2008

Aftershock

I keep waiting until I feel better to post. But I'm not. Thanks so much for everyone's comments, and for keeping us in your thoughts. It really does mean a lot.


My poor sweet man, Goddamit I love him so much and I'm so scared. The night we found out, we just held each other all night. I couldn't sleep at all - literally, not a wink. Just my two eyes peeping wide out into the darkness, holding him so close, with disbelief at what is happening underneath his skin. He got up to go the toilet and nearly collapsed, I had to help him back into bed. I listened to his breathing all night, afraid it would stop. We got up at 2am and sat up on the couch next to the fire, watching some elder Aboriginals on tv making boomerangs by hand. It was amazing. We kept telling each other we loved each other, Mr TC said "It's like it was when we first met!" And it was, our love in the room around us like this big, palpable presence.


The day gave us some light. I'd written lists and lists of stuff we needed to do before we both go in. He's very worried about his business - he employs 6 people, they're all on different jobs. He has just built a beautiful brand-new house that we can let-out for holiday accomodation ... we need to get it furnished and up and running to start getting some money in. He has health insurance, so hopefully they will come to the party. (Cancer party! Yay!)


He gets admitted on Sunday, for a biopsy and 'look' operation on Wednesday. Strange that he has to spend three nights in there first, but 'a good bed is hard to find' in the public system and we can't risk losing it. The doctor has been so lovely, really working hard to find a surgeon for us. Hopefully Mr TC can get a daypass out on Monday, to be there with me when the baby is born.


We need to find out what we are dealing with, before they can treat it. I didn't expect to be asking about the effects of a person on chemo being near a newborn, during my last-ever doctors appointment yesterday.

I keep crying at really inopportune times .... standing in line at the grocery store, walking up the street. How strange for people to look at me with such sparkly excitement in their eyes ... when having a baby is the furthest thing on my mind. I have organised a quick release program from hospital, so that I can be visited by the midwives. This is mainly for my little Tiger, who got in the car this morning, and after picking up on all the 'vibes' with Mr TC and I said "Geez mum. Today is just really weird." We have told him that daddy is a bit sick in his tummy and has to go into hospital, but that Auntie Tee and Auntie Rex will be here to take good care of him and then mum and dad will both be home.

My sisters will be here on Sunday. I think I have been putting that off, because I know after this weekend that our lives will be forever different, no matter what happens.

I have an awful feeling that I have created this, which is quite irrational. But Mr TC always reckons I fear spiders so much that they always come to me, and scare me. I have experienced a lot of deaths of people close to me, and sometimes I have worried about what would I do if Mr TC died. Like the whole "The Secret" thing, manifesting your reality. But, I think, if that was real ..... then there would be no infertility blogs, would there.

I'm a bit all over the place today. This morning, we were all having a cup of tea by the fire, and Mr TC was telling Tiger he'll have to take the garbage out as one of his jobs. Tiger goes "No - you can take the garbage out when you're a ghost." I felt sick, and hoped Mr TC didn't notice. Then the dog jumped off the ute ... when she was leashed on there, so she was dangling like a freaking hangman. Mr TC grabbed her and she was fine, but she has never done that before.

It's all surreal and strange and numb. I can't believe the timing.

In twenty years from now I want to be talking to my twenty-year old child about what a scary week it was before he/she was born. And then Mr TC will walk into the room and crack a silly joke about it and I will laugh but say a silent thank you up to the universe.

_____________

I cannot get this song out of my head. I'm going to find it and play it so loud it will blast all my yucky cobwebs away.






Ultraviolet (Light My Way) - U2

Sometimes I feel like I don't know
Sometimes I feel like checking out.
I wanna get it wrong
Can't always be strong
And love, it won't be long.
Oh, sugar, don't you cry.
Oh, child, wipe the tears from your eyes.
You know I need you to be strong
And the day it is dark, as the night is long.
Feel like trash, you make me feel clean.
I'm in the black, can't see or be seen.

Baby, baby, baby, light my way.
Alright now, baby, baby, baby, light my way.

You bury your treasure where it can't be found
But your love is a secret that's been passed around.
There is a silence that comes to a house
Where no-one can sleep.
I guess it's the price of love;
I know it's not cheap.
Oh, come on, baby, baby, baby, light my way.
Oh, come on, baby, baby, baby, light my way
Baby, baby, baby, light my way.
I remember when we could sleep on stones.
Now we lie together in whispers and moans.
When I was all messed up and I heard opera in my head
Your love was a light bulb hanging over my bed.

Baby, baby, baby, light my way.
Oh, come on, baby, baby, baby, light my way.

13 comments:

Evil Stepmonster said...

You are such a strong and beautiful woman, Mr TC is lucky to have you by his side.

I want to hold your hand and tell you everything will be ok. But all I have to offer is hope. I hope that you can find some joy in Monkey's birth at this crazy time. I hope that Mr TC's pain turns out to be something minor and treatable. I am hoping and wishing for everything to be ok.

Thank god for Tee and Rex.

Fertilized said...

Topcat you are getting my thoughts and prayers. I do highly love music therapy and i hope this song will help light your way!

Gemini Girl said...

TC.... I am so upset by all this, that I am crying while I type (and technically- I dont "know you") But I do- and your my friend and I would be there for you in a heartbeat if I lived close by. But I dont. So I am sending my love and prayers to you and your hubby. I pray that it will all be ok. Please try to enjoy monday as best you can. A birth is still a beautiful thing and having mr tc there will make everything ok- even if only for that little while. That child that was so wanted deserves a big welcome.
mwa.

Chas said...

I just want to give you and Mr. TC a big hug! The love you guys feel for each other will help you get through this, regardless of the journey ahead!

Diana said...

I really hope he can be there with you on Monday. This is going to be a tough week but I really hope you are able to have some joy in it too. My thoughts are with you.

Furrow said...

I came here from Dawn's blog. I'm so sorry for what you're going through. I'm wishing you and your family all the best.

Bee Cee said...

My heart is aching for you TC, your post just made me reflect a lot.

If love and strength meant you'd get through this, then you have won the race already.I hope it comes true.

Thinking of you.

Angie said...

You are in my thoughts.

Geohde said...

TC, hoping for all of you,

J

Wordgirl said...

Topcat,

I said to G the other day "you know it's funny to think there is a woman out there -- half a world away -- whose life has so many parallels to mine" -- and I have been thinking of you often before hearing of Mr.TC, but certainly thinking of you warmly and often and praying in my own way (though not usually the praying sort) now.

I'll be thinking of you all with Monkey's beautiful entry into the world and being able to share it with Mr TC and that palpable love.

Wordgirl said...

Oh I can't forget this part because I mean it so:

*great big hug*

Pam

nancy said...

Hi hunny.

I've been reading everyone of your posts. And when it really came time to respond, I just sat here looking at a blank white comment box. I'm just at a loss of words for you.

I am so sorry. I am so sorry it's happening. I am so sorry it's happening now. It's not fair. Not fair to him. Not fair to you. Not fair to monkey. Not fair not fair not fair.

All we can do right now is hope. Hope the surgery goes well. Hope you make it through L&D in flying colors. Hope you will all continue to have a wonderful life with one another. I want nothing less for you.

~ a zillion hugs ~

tobacco brunette said...

Sometimes I find it so hard to believe the situations that people are forced to deal with. It seems so unfair. I'm really sorry, TC.

I can't imagine what you are going through right now, but I'm following along, thinking of you often, and hoping for only the absolute best for you MrTC, Tiger and Monkey.

Please take care of yourself.