Thursday, 1 May 2008

What, Me Worry??

So. I have got a grip .... just.

Went to the appointment today, different doctor. (Such a surprise - NOT). I know I'm lucky to live in a country where medical procedures and hospitals are free, but for fucks sake, I'm now getting a little bit sick and tired of ZERO continuity of care. New doctors and nurses every visit, everyone is rushed and overworked. My proper appointment was 2 days ago - when I arrived, the doctor had simply left for the day. Righto - fuck you, fuck you very much.

So, today, Dr Different (but much nicer smelling) asked me if I had any problems. I mentioned I was getting concerned about lack of movement, I know there's not much room in there, but there's seriously a few nudges here or there compared to full-blown feet and hands and elbows sticking out all over the place. He listened to me, and then said he might pop me on a trace, just to check Monkeys movements for 20 minutes or so.

Cool. So out to the midwife, she leads me down to a labour room, I get strapped in for monitoring of movement, heartbeats, and contractions. She left me there alone, no worries. I had to press the button when I felt any movement. I could tell that Monkeys heartbeats were pretty erratic, from 150/160bpm down to 106bpm. I mentioned this when she came back in, she said not to worry, as long as it stays above 110bpm. Then she left.

About 40 minutes went past, and I thought, seriously, I have to go. But I didn't want to unstrap myself. I called out, but no-one heard me. I thought about buzzing, but felt silly, as I wasn't even a patient. So I used the phone next to the bed to call the switchboard, told them I had to go.

She comes back in .... "Oh, I forgot about you! Ha!"

I was crushed. I had to blink back tears, for Christs sake! Super-sensitive. She unstraps me, and takes the printout for someone to read. I grab my stuff and walk out, there's about 4 people huddled around Monkeys trace readout. They are worried, because of the spikes in Monkeys heartbeat. I felt sick, and just needed to get out so I could cry. They all agreed for me to come back tomorrow for a longer trace, if I have any concerns overnight to come in straight away, I said sure, scurried out and cried and cried.

What concerns? That the baby is going to TOTALLY stop moving and die??

5 minutes later I rang them, and said look, I don't really understand - what exactly is wrong? She was lovely, said sorry, they should have been more clear, that if there was any 'major' concerns over the baby they wouldn't have let me leave today, blah blah. I felt a bit better, but have been quite worried since. What if there is something wrong with Monkeys heart? What if Monkey dies, or is very sick, or ... or .... ANYTHING?

Ugh. I'm 37 weeks today, so that's term. Usually there is a problem about trying to keep the babys IN ... I just want mine OUT. I don't want to be pregnant anymore. I want to be holding Monkey safe and sound, complaining about lack of sleep.

I can't bear the thought of something going wrong at this point. It can't. It just freaks me that I had a trace for lack of movement, but now the worry is over the heartbeat.

Oh - and Dr Different scheduled my c-section for the 14 May (instead of the 20th May) .... in one week and 6 days time! So I was right all along. I am in NO MOOD to be fucked around anymore. If Dr (Stinky) Eyelashes trys to change it to the 20th I'm just going to put my foot down. If any nurse "forgets" me again - WATCH OUT!!

I'm cranky. And really, really scared. Please be ok, lil baby.

I'll post one pic, but don't feel like posting anymore - worried about jinxing myself.



Stacie said...

If they were very concerned about Monkey, they wouldn't have let you go home, so I am going to believe all is okay in there.

Thinking of you and sending all my positive thoughts (except the ones used to encourage pooping at our house)! Hugs to you and Monkey!

Stacie said...

And congrats on being term!

Stacie said...

And just one more thing.

YOU LOOK FAB-U-LOUS! Alright. Now that is all. :-)

Geohde said...

The heartbeat can vary from 110-160, if it starts decelerating significantly below that it can mean one of several things depending on the pattern and relationship to contractions (if any). Not all of them are bad things. I think things will be okay, But I can understand the worry THIS close,



Bee Cee said...

Hoping everything is ok, thinking of you.

Dr. Grumbles said...

Hoping for the best for you and Monkey!

Wordgirl said...

Oh Topcat,

I can understand completely what kind of anxiety a visit like that could produce...but I'll just second the thought that had it been serious they wouldn't have let you walk one step out of that door.

It does sound like they could polish up their communication skills...though I'm glad she was reassuring and kind on the phone. I admire you for your strength-- and soon monkey will be here...

I'm thinking of you Topcat and sending you all the very best wishes and thoughts.

And you look so beautiful. It's true.



Oh and I've been reading every day and meant to pop in to tell you that I'm going to try to introduce the term 'root' to the american least in our househould :)

Chas said...

I'd love to say "oh, topcat, don't worry! it's no big deal", but I'd be worried too. How good an actress are you? Can't you just pretend like your in labor so they can get on with it now??

Gemini Girl said...

First of all:
a) your haircut rocks!

b) you are so beautiful!

c) I am pretty sure that if something were wrong they would have admitted you right then and had that baby out- since you are term.

Its natural to worry. I am sure you will be holidng a healthy little monkey in no time. Hindsight is always 20/20


Fertilized said...

YAH for 37 weeks!! you look fasntastic. Hang in there Monkey. I wish dr'd knew how to deliver news w/out such alarm and anxiety involved.

anna said...

You know- I hit this panic mode as well at the tail end of the pregnancy. I just wanted the babies out and safe and sound in my arms. I think it's normal. And I had a few "not totally reassuring" traces as well, and everything turned out just fine. The less testing the better, I say, and gosh, I'm a doctor! Soon Monkey will be here...take care of yourself and try to get some sleep now!

Diana said...

oh hugs, I know how you feel. I think I will just feel safer when she is on the outside.

The Dunn Family said...

I'm sorry they scared you like that. It must be frustrating to feel like you aren't getting the full story. I'm be sending good thoughts your way to get your through the next 1 week and 6 days. That being said, you look AWESOME!!! Sexy 37 week pregnant Mama!!

Evil Stepmonster said...

I can't believe you are down to mere days now! Thinking of you, hope all is going well. As you say, our hospital staff are all overworked and only the squeaky wheels get attention - so go forth and squeak!