Sunday, 18 May 2008

Nothing

Terrible, awful, no-good, very bad. The world seems to have crushed down on us, it's very hard to breathe.

I have thought dark thoughts and felt horror of what is going to happen. I have coped with some crap in my life, but this is just ridiculous. Other peoples reactions are really starting to PISS ME OFF, this "Oh my God he's going to die!!!" look in peoples eyes, yesterday I found myself talking to people trying to make THEM positive, and every time I did they were just like "Oh, but the timing!" "Oh, no! My friend died from that!" (Yes, seriously). From now on when people say "What can I do?" I will ask them to think positive thoughts, for fucks sake.

It's like a roller coaster, that I can't get off. I can't Pollyanna-think my way out of it, but don't want to get stuck in the mire of the what-ifs.

Mr TC is getting worse. His stomach is bloated, it's hard for him to move. He's quiet, and pale, and serious. He can't think properly, doesn't want to see anyone, says he's not scared but has a look in his eyes that makes me want to cry. We need to know how bad it is, they are hopefully doing the biopsy on Wednesday. I have googled lymphoma and am trying to work out my own diagnosis, I predict a very aggressive form because of the increasing pain. He is on painkillers which he HATES, now it has taken the pain away but left behind this awful physical hard feeling in his tummy. I knew he was thinking something big yesterday. I asked what. Nothing. I said, seriously, please just let it out hon. All his words tumbled out "Well, if something DOES happen to me, there's this home loan, sell my ute, try and take care of all the kids, maybe move into somewhere smaller and rent this house out so you've got income coming in til you decide what the fuck you'll do, ..." blah blah blah. I just nodded and said sure, will do.

I thought the baby might come last night, I had 2 contractions and it felt like the baby was dropping into position. I thought .... good. The baby can come and we can be together for a little bit at least, and we won't tell anyone, not till morning.

But the baby didn't come, and that's ok because today we have to pick out a carseat and I need tracksuit pants and we haven't finished cleaning the office and we need chicken wings for the dog yes Tee and Rex will walk her don't worry Tiger can go to a friends house today oh - and both of us need to pack hospital bags. And if the big hospital rings then we will drive down together and I will make sure my hubbie is propped up in bed and give him my iPod and some magazines, and then I will drive back home to spend my last night pregnant in an empty bed BECAUSE LIFE IS A CUNT LIKE THAT.

Sorry.

I'm in shock. We all are. Except Tiger ... I have to protect my guy.


17 comments:

m said...

Fuck. How I wish I could just get in my car and hug you and Mr TC and swear a LOT.

xxx

m said...

By the way, life just sucks big dirty hairy smelly donkey balls.

Chas said...

I'm still at such a loss for words. Mr. TC is getting prayers coming from my way, and I just have to think that in the end things are going to be OK.

Geohde said...

TC, I can't get over just how shit and unfair all of this is,

J

waitinginline said...

I really don't know what to say. But you are all seriously in my thoguhts and prayers. I can only thing positive thoughts for you!!!!!! (and to hell with the morons who say stupid shit!)

Stacie said...

Life can be a cunt. It isn't fair and it's overwhelming, but we do what we have to do. We continue on, trying to do the best we can. Then we hope. There must always be hope. I will hope for you on those days that your hope is gone, okay?

You can do this, E. You will make it through this. I know it doesn't feel like it right now. Trust me, I know that feeling so well. But I have absolutely no doubt in my mind that you will make it through this.

Please email me whenever you want to vent, need a good listener (err...reader), or anything.

Much love to you all,
Stacie

P.S. My husband wanted to add that we push on and continue doing whatever we can with the hope that the cunt will finally have a nice, big orgasm. We are both due for some orgasms my dear. :-)

Vee said...

Fuck I just wish you didn't have to go through this, I don't think anyone have to go through this shit!

Mr TC reaction is perfectly expected, Max reacted very similarly.

As for family and friends it hasn't been so bad because they have learnt with my mothers cancer experience that when you are diagnosed the last thing you want to hear are other peoples experiences. They don't realise cancer can be so different with in everyone even if it is the same kind....ery much like infertility.

I am hoping and keeping positive for you both.

Anonymous said...

TC, Even though I haven't been blogging myself these days I have continued to read yours. A lot of the time you have me in tears (from laughing), but all this week reading your blogs I have shed a few tears for you and what you are going through. I so wish I could do something for you. This should be such an exciting time for you meeting Monkey, but instead you have to deal with this shit that has been thrown at you.
ALL of the positive thoughts I can manage are being sent your way this week. Thinking of you tomorrow.

Megan

Bee Cee said...

I am here, thinking big, huge, ENORMOUS, postive thoughts for you and Mr TC.

Are you listening g*d? Give us some help here and sort this out with a happy ending.....pllllleeeeaaasse.

Mony said...

Oh darling TC. It's just awful, awful. Who could have ever imagned this on the horizon? My heart is torn for you all. I think about you & Mr TC constantly.
The big day we have all longed for approaches, your little wee miracle will soon be here to help you focus on the fight ahead. And from what I know about you pair, you do not lose. You always come through the darkness, No matter what life throws, you keep forging ahead. Who would mess with you lot now? 4 strong & a force to be reckoned with. I've got my money on the TC gang. Every last cent sweetheart.

nancy said...

Fuck.

I'm thinking as much positives thoughts as I can muster.

Gemini Girl said...

TC- My heart and prayers are with you now and always.

I pray mr tc will be ok. I pray that you enjoy the birth of your child. I pray that the universe will make it better some way.
let me know if i can do anything.

Cibele said...

My heart and prayers are with you as well. I'll keep thinking positive thoughts for you

Stacie said...

Thinking of you all today...sending love and all my positive vibes.

r.a.w. said...

Girl, I am thinking of you almost every second. Prayers being said for Mr. TC and the whole gang. Miracles happen every day and science/medicine is amazing. Love to all of you. Looking forward to meeting Monkey.

Von said...

Hi Topcat,
I just dropped by to see how you were as I knew you must be close to delivery.
As always with times and situations like this there is nothing new that I can say that is going to make you feel better or fix things.
All I can say is that my heart goes out to you and your family. God only knows where the strength comes from to get out of bed in the morning and take it each day as it comes, but it comes from somewhere. Take it one day at a time, sometimes one minute at a time and you will get through.

Thinking of you.

Von.

Evil Stepmonster said...

Sending much love your way today.