Friday, 19 December 2008

The River in My Heart

Most of my adult life, I have hated, loathed, despised, anyone knowing my business.

Which is why I set up this blog. (What, did you think my real name was Topcat?) Actually, the reason I named myself Topcat is .... drumroll .... I found a cool pic of Topcat on the net.

(No wonder my grandmother always called me a deep well.)

Ummmm, here's the deal .... I have a new blog. In my real name. See, Mr TCs cancer made me turn everything upside down on the bed and shake the shit out of my whole life. We thought he might not make it. What does it all mean. Who am I. I am in pain right now. Answer? To write it.

And I wrote it, and you read it.

Certain Shining Lights of Love have been placed upon me in my life. The joy when my beautiful Tiger was born. Then Miraculous Monkey arriving.

And ...

You. Lifting me up, from the minefield of 2008.

Thank God I had to do IVF to get pregnant, otherwise I never would have started this Happy-Go-Lucky blog, that turned into my main lifeline. Reading your comments this year, I got filled up with your Love and Hope. I'm so grateful.

Even if your name is Mauve and you live in Greenland (next to Flicka!) and you landed here by googling "manhands farting" and you've only ever read and not commented one word. And you sit by the fire each night and tsk tsk that that Terrible Topcat is on the Warpath AGAIN. The way I see blogs working ... the blogger gets stuff out, the reader comes and reads, offers love or support or a silent prayer or a silent fart .... the act of reading someones words and just wishing them well, somehow makes a magic difference.

This year, I wrote. In my worst, dirtiest, most awful days of my twenties, I would hold on to this slim, tiny morsel of an idea that maybe, just maybe, I would be ok and get through and stay alive and end up writing.

I did, and I have, and I'm crying because it's real. Recovering from "stuff" is real and I will never stop being amazed by that. Life is here right now - bigger and better and more amazing than I could ever have dreamed, shitty fucked up as it is sometimes, I still feel amazed and grateful at it.

A few months ago, I ended up writing the text for a childrens book, that looks like it will get published sometime in the new year. When I think of writing, it feels like there is a river in my heart. I need to grab this feeling and jump on .... come out of the blogging closet. I don't know why I just do. It seems important.

The truth, did indeed, set me free.

Of course, at my new digs I can't write as angrily and rudely as I have done here. However, I think I'll just be more imaginative and creative about my political incorrectness.

Indisputable Topcat? She is me, and I am her. She will live in my heart forever, for she has been the doorway to get to where I am going. And I don't even know where that is!

Now, I dont like change ... when I was a kid, my auntie had her kitchen remodelled, after 15 years of it being the same. I cried myself to sleep that night, praying for her old kitchen to be back there in the morning when I woke up. It wasn't. God I was sad. God I was weird.

But, there is a LOT of despair written here .. and maybe I just needed a fresh start.

I will update two, for a little while, then gradually just write in the other one. I would love it if you came to visit. (Please! I have no comments yet and it's been awfully lonely over there!)

I told Mr TC what I was doing, and I have his full support .. and permission, to write about him. I asked stepson if he minded me writing about him, his exact words were ... "Sure! I don't give a fuck!"

In fact, I'm heading over there right now.

Care to join me?

(Don't forget to email me, especially if you live in Constantinople or Timbuktu)



Fertilized said...

good lord woman, do you always have to make me cry and thing you are just so damn amazing and strong?

OHN said...

I joined. I emailed my address. Anything else you need me to do? Bake? Clean? (not gonna happen).

I have to admit weaning from this blog is going to be hard for me. Be kind, take is slow. It's ok with me if you have to post twice as much, on two separate blogs, honest.

PaleMother said...

Hi TC :)

Congrats on the fresh start. I'm on DH's laptop at the moment. Everyone is home today after a little blizzard. Have to rush the comment, because I'm getting the evil eye here.

I'll send you my address if you send me yours. :) Trade ya. :)



Wordgirl said...


I see you lovely - tears in my eyes -- hair standing up on the back of my neck -- this back and forth across the ocean of 'omigod' she felt that too? It's breathtaking.

And of course -- I'd follow you anywhere.


Dora said...

Someone wants to send me a gift, who am I to deny her? Email coming. Smooches!

Wait a minute. No swearing on the new blog? OH, FUCK!!

bleu said...

Just promise if ever you need to really vent and scream and cuss and go off you will still come here and let loose if you can;t there!!!

I will be both places always.

JJ said...

Thanks for sharing your new space--I will follow you anywhere=)

Beautiful Mess said...

I sent ya an email..a long and mushy one too..sorry bout that *sheepish grin* I read this earlier but I cried and couldn't see enough to post a comment. I admire your bravery and strength. I love you Topcat!

Anonymous said...

I sent you an email, not mushy, kind of goofy. I am really excited for you and this new chapter of your life.

Aaaand Sam has decided to wake up so I cannot say anything further. I'll be back!


dee said...

I'd follow you to the ends of the earth if it meant I'd get to keep sharing this world with you :-) You make it a better place.

Email sent, and a FB friend request sent ya darlin.'

Anonymous said...

I have been following your blog and sent you some comments. I just wanted to say again how happy I am for you with everything... you have a gorgeous family- enjoy them, enjoy EVERYTHING! ;) xx

Stacie said...

Oh, TC--Mwah! You are truly beautiful.

(I can't wait to read the book to the boys!)

Geohde said...

Following on over my dear.

Must find a good reason to haul ass to your part of AUs one of these days :)



nancygrayce said...

I just want to say that your blog has given me hope for my son who is 38 and a drug addict. He started when he was 15...with alcohol, blah blah blah,,,,you know the path! Every single time I get too down about his life, I think of people, like you, who have beat the monster. So thankyou.

p.s. the swear words do bother me :)

annacyclopedia said...

I have no words that will do any sort of justice, Topcat, to the pride I am feeling for you now, and the awe in which I am standing. A river in your heart that not only transforms its path through your life, but through my life and my heart, too - what a spectacular gift to Creation you are, my dear. I am so grateful for you, for your voice, for your presence - and yes, I will follow you anywhere, too.

Caba said...

I'm so slow! I haven't been checking blogs a while! I am SOSOSOSOSOSOSO happy about Mr TCs remission and couldn't be happier for you all!

And I've already added you new digs to my feeds. Of course I'm following!

A Free Man said...

Sounds like a good day in your world! Those are the best ones. I'm fighting a battle with myself this Xmas season, trying hard to forget those shining lights of love. Got to a great meeting last night that reminded me just how much I've got in my life and how fucking grateful I should be - not bitching and whinging about one stupid day of the year.

I never thought that blogging would be such an important thing for me as well, but I get the same things out of it as you do - sharing my business a little.

Going to head over to your new site and have a look.

G$ said...

I'm late to this, but I was saving it on my phone since you posted it because, well because I puffy heart you. BIG HUGE PUFFY HEARTS.


nancy said...

you better not send me anything. Cause you already did.

I love you.!

Amanda said...

You are amazing and fill my heart with love. Truly.

vamplita said...

Consider your new digs in my list of faves as soon as I can get somewhere to add them. (I'm at work - bleah.)

Love you too, TC. :)