Monday, 15 December 2008


Yesterday, Mr TC was feeling well enough to go to an actual BBQ, with other actual PEOPLE. So we went. It was strange, being social again after hiding at home for so long. I sat next to an old lady, and had Monkey on my lap. She turned to me and said, "Oh my! Look at that babys eyes! Beautiful! He loves his mum, you can tell."

I was surprised. "Really?"

I thought, wow, he loves his mum? He hasn't had the best six months either. I often wonder how differently I would have parented him had Mr TC not got sick .... I suspect I'd have had a truckload more care, patience, and love. Fuck. Sucks that I waited and yearned so many years for this baby, and then Everything Happened. The crying and the screaming ,, from all of us, really. The nights are still so bad I just gave up. It used to be just me and him up every hour on the hour while his dad was upstairs in the chemo wing and I was trying so so hard to parent Tiger as best as I could, shield him from everything that was going on.

Now Monkey comes into bed with us. Which is setting him up for bad habits I know - but I can't handle it anymore, trying to placate him or control his crying. Aint nothing controlled about wanting to throw your crying baby out the window at 2am.

So in bed with us he goes, until next year when we are all back at work and school and settled again.

If I scratch the surface, it's easy to see that I've had a touch of post-natal depression. Probably other stuff. I wondered it often ... am I depressed, or do I just not give a fuck? I go in and out of it, still. I think it's finally abating now. God I hope so.

My Tiger is the most wise and knowing boy I have ever met. I adore him.

Anyway, so yesterday, the old lady kept turning to me, saying "Oh what a handsome boy. Is this your first? He loves his mum!"

And it made me feel special, that he loves me. Even when I kind of failed him a bit, back in the Fiascos Darkest Hours.

I am not failing him now .... he is happier, and less irritated. More content. It's a hell of a lot easier to parent a contented baby than a fussing one, I swear.

The old lady again turned to me, and, as if seeing me there with Monkey for the first time. "Oh! What a beautiful baby! Is he your first? My goodness, those eyes. Ohhhh, he loves his mum!"

Finally it dawned on me that she had dementia. I answered all of her questions again, and didn't mind, not one bit.

I really needed to hear, over and over again, what a beautiful baby he was, and how much he loved his mum.


We went to the circus on Saturday night - the first time we have all been out together as a family. I even got a sitter for Monkey. We were SO excited. Naturally, halfway through we got evacuated from the Big Top because of a severe storm warning, and had to go home.

No circus for the cancer family. So annoying - Tiger was SO disappointed, and we had to come home and pay the babysitter after forking out $200 bucks for the freaking circus tickets.

Reminded me, yet again, that you can plan all you like, but things will happen as they will.


Mr TC has had a personality transplant. Oh my GOODNESS he is being so mindful and caring and loving. So lovely. His smell is back! He smells like a man - a big, tough guyo. I didn't even notice his smell was missing, until it came back a week ago. That musky, sweaty man smell. LOVE it. I have missed it so ... all the hiroshima bombs that kept getting dropped on him every three weeks wiped him clean of all human-ness. I keep going up to him, grabbing him and smelling him, deeply. "Oooooo, yeah. Big tough guyo smell!"

He swats me away, but I know he loves it. I kind of feel like I make him a better man. Dunno how or why. Just feel it. When we first met he wore overalls and I had more money than him. And he had three kids. I took a lot on. Guess it's all about balance and compromise.

We ended up talking the price down and booking a nice house near the beach, for a week in January. Tomorrow, we are going down to the big shopping centre and doing Christmas shopping. Then, at 3pm, we have an appointment at the Big Hospital, with the Big Kahuna Doctor. Woe betide him if he tells us bad news WOE BETIDE. I would be so cranky that he made us wait almost three weeks to tell us.

As it is ... if it IS bad news, I will cry and rant and rave and stomp my feet, have three tantrums, tell the doctor to get fucked (yes, I will) wail and curse God. Then I will deal with it.

If it is good news ... well fuck, won't that be the shit?



bleu said...

Thinking of you all tomorrow. I will be lighting a candle with the positive intentions for you and Mr TC as well.

Much much love.

Stacie said...

Sending positive energy for a GREAT appointment tomorrow. Bad news needs to stay clear of you, or the doctor is in trouble. I think you'd have all of your internet buddies to back you up if you want to take the doctor down!

Bummer about the circus. Poor Tiger. Hopefully you'll get to do something even more fun together soon.

Much love as always,

P.S. How fun to go to the beach in January. You all deserve a nice, relaxing holiday.

Wordgirl said...

I will be thinking of you guys non-stop.

I love the image of you grabbing Mr.TC and smelling him -- that visceral connection is what always gets me with G

And you have been through some rough rough times these last six months my friend -- be gentle with yourself about Monkey -- there's never been any doubt just how much you love him -- that is so so clear.

If you were here I'd give you loads of Christmas cookies - -that's always my answer for stressful situations...

My love topcat, my love,



Vee said...

Those freakin Dr's have no idea what this waiting does to us. 3 bloody weeks !! Geez

I am hoping like hell it's good news !

Fertilized said...

sending you all the good thoughts in the world

A Free Man said...

We went to an actual barbecue with actual people yesterday too. It was a proper piss-up Xmas barbecue as well, which is often difficult for me. In one way it's fun to watch what I must have looked like a few years back, but it wears thin.

My boy is a godsend for these things because he's still young enough to want to spend the whole party with me or his Mum. Kids are great conversation starters for a person who struggles in social situations.

Almamay said...

Keeping you in my thoughts for tomorrow. x

Geohde said...

Hopefully it IS the shit. Ina good way.

ANd swear, just for the heck of it. Hospitals are stuffy enough as it is :)



Betty Boop said...

Will be thinking of you tomorrow TC.

Anonymous said...

I'm glad you had that old lady to tell you over and over how much Monkey loves you. She was a special gift, sent at exactly the right time.

I'm thinking of you today (because I think my today is your tomorrow by the time I have gotten to this blog entry). (Did that make ANY sense? We have a special space-time continuum here in Greenland.) I keep thinking fiercely that IT WILL BE GOOD NEWS because it HAS to be. I will not have it any other way. I am praying so hard for all of you.


G$ said...

I am thinking of you guys today.

Monkey and Tiger are two of THE most beautiful children I have ever seen. Then again, Mr. TC is hawt, so it's no wonder :)

You, my love, are a beautiful, loving mother and wife.


annacyclopedia said...

Everything that Pam said, plus I love you to the moon and back and will be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers constantly until we hear how tomorrow went.

Natika said...

Stop getting so down on yourself! You love Monkey, right? He knows it. To me you are a women I look up to. You have handled a very difficult situation with incredible control. I am not sure if I would of gone back to using????
You give me hope that if the situation came my way that 10yrs for me would not go down the drain.

You are a role model for some.
Good luck with the appointment. Christmas miracles happen!

Beautiful Mess said...

Aww what a sweet lady! When things like that happen to me at the perfect time, I always know there was a reason behind it.

Stupid circus *pout* Want me to write them a nasty email?

Good luck at the doctor!!!!
Hugs to you and your WHOLE family!!!

battynurse said...

I think I would wonder if you didn't have a bit of post natal depression. I'm glad it seems to be getting better. Glad also that Mr. TC seems to be feeling better and that you are getting a chance to do stuff together. Hope tomorrows appointment goes well. I'll be thinking of you.

OHN said...

As I write this, I realize it is almost tomorrow over there.

You have no idea how many of us out here in blogland are going to be sending you hugs and kisses to hold onto for that appointment.

Go smell Mr TC again :)

Evil Stepmonster said...

I think it totally makes sense that you'd have PND after all the crap you've had to deal with over the past 6 months.

Possibly a good thing about the circus - you might have been tempted to run away!

All my thoughts are with you today. I hope Mr TC is given the all clear.

Stacie said...

I am thinking of you...

nancy said...

Fuck. I've missed 3 posts. So I'm starting at the beginning. I accidentally must have clicked on "all read" on my parenting blogs in my reader. Fuck fuck fuck.

The circus freaks me out. I don't like it. Did they give you the money back?

Last time the circus was in town, zebras got loose and were running down the highway. Awesome.