This Topcat .... She is Not Feeling So Good

**Children Mentioned**

There has been a lot of bad news out here in the blogosphere this week. It has made my heart heavy, I just can't understand how, after so much that people go through fighting IF and then finally getting that Holy Grail of a BFP ... that there are complications, heartbreaking losses. I feel so sorry and sad.

Aware that I am not suffering a fraction as a few beautiful women are out there .... however, I am not travelling very well. I suspect it is the BCPs kicking in. I'm crying a lot, am over-sensitive, depressed, can't think properly. I am used to having a handle on things. I'm worried - that I won't be able to hack it. This is just the first step; fucks sake. I was close to having a panic attack in the street today, tears streaming down my face. Great. I have worked so hard over the past 5 years, to get a handle on myself and carve out a new path. I feel like I have taken a major step back in my emotional well-being, and it doesn't feel good.

I have a five and a half year old son, Tiger, who I choose not to blog much about. Which is hard, because he is the meaning of my whole life. But I try to stay mindful about offending anyone. It seems like a world away, that he grew in my belly. I looked down one day and noticed my boobs had blue veins. "Hmmm..." Promptly walked up the street, bought a pregnancy test (ONE!!), came up positive. Beta? What the fuck is a beta?

Today, I am in the middle of 'secondary infertility', I believe it's called. 3 years ago, I knew my cluckiness was not going away. Now, not only is Mr TC fixed - but he nearly dies last year after the treatment for a severe liver condition fucks him up BAD. Mr TC is a kind, generous, loving man, with lots of friends. And he's tough. With tattoos. And a spunk. And he's mine ...) Is this too much information? Why am I writing all this? More importantly ... why am I starting to feel better?

Nutshell:

I have been waiting to try for a baby for three years.
I am scared of what might happen if I get pregnant.
I am scared of what might happen if I don't get pregnant.
I am scared of how the IVF drugs will affect. Me and drugs don't have the most wholesome of relationships at the best of times.
I am scared that you will now think I am a whingy, whining selfish ungrateful fuckwit. (Ahh guilt - how YOU doin'?)
I am scared ..... I am scared.
I am scared.

Oh. It's fear. It's only fear. I thought it might have been something serious. I can handle fear. The opposite to fear is faith. I can have faith .... I can choose to have faith right now, in fact. I can have faith that the women I read about who so desperately want to become mothers, who I know, I KNOW, just by reading their words, what wonderful mothers they will be .... I can have faith that they will achieve their dream. I wish them on, silently. I can have faith that I won't have another freakout tomorrow. I can simply have faith.

With a flick of her tail, Topcat slinks herself upstairs to bed. (Before midnight! It's a miracle!)

xoxooxxxxoxoxoxx

The Arse End of the World.

Vale, Saeco Incanto. We got back home from our holiday ... to find our kickarse coffee machine broken. BROKEN I TELL YOU! Did I happen to mention how serious I was about coffee?
No? That when I entered the world of recovery, I gave up booze and drugs and ciggies ... but slug soy lattes back with wild abandon? However, said broken coffee machine is most definitely a sign - I knew I needed to give up anyway, as it's detrimental to babymaking. I shall have to lean heavily on my last remaining vice .... fucken swearing.

On the babymaking front ... I am the proud owner of a PROTOCOL. I'm so thrilled.

AF Thursday 12th July
BCP Saturday 14th July
Synarel (or Lucrin) 2nd August
Puregon (or Gonal F) 17th August
Bloodtests, Ultrasounds, etc
Egg Collection 29th-31 August
Embro Transfer 3rd September

I have waited so long to have this piece of paper in my hand. That says embryo TRANSFER, in black and white. I hope and pray and whisper to the universe every day that it will happen.

We all had a lovely time away - was so lovely seeing Tiger and his sister play together. He is going to be the best big brother. I was very sick with a throat infection, but kept saying I'd prefer to be sick in 23 degree weather than 3 degree weather!! (Celcius that is). It's so nice to be home - I need to drum up more work for myself, and time off makes me itchy to write more articles. I have a column in one mag on eco friendly building practices, which is great because it's regular income. But as a freelancer I need to create my own work, which is actually going really well. Mr TC is pleased with the extra income coming in.


It's late, so in a nutshell - here is my Virtual World Tour: (It's not too late - why don't you do it too?)

* I live in NSW

* You freeze your balls off in winter

* I have that miracles are possible and happen every day.



* I have a beautiful view from my bath. Here is my bathroom ...



... I told my sisters to stop pitying me that I couldn't have a drink with them anymore - I get to have a spa in this fucker!





So, in conclusion, if you're ever in this neck of the woods (literally) - look me up. I'll be the swearing chick sipping peppermint tea.


A special shoutout to Maya at Gemini Girl, who proved once and for all that a pregnant woman is sexier than a stripper. Hell yeah!!


I have much more to say in regards to

a) blogging b) babies and c) blogging about babies


However it nearly midnight, and I have to creep in to bed AGAIN, trying not to wake Mr TC. Does anyone else have that problem??

If I was a rockstar I would stay up all night and sleep all day. But I am not a rockstar, so goodnight. xoxoxoxxoxooxxxo

Blogalicious Blogaholic

Last night I dreamt that I got my period - I started running around the room, up and down the stairs, screaming "Woo-hoo! I got my period! Yee-ha!" doing a crazy happy dance all over the house. My period is due in the next few days .. I suspect I will be quite happy when it comes! I read in someones comments yesterday that once you start BCP's it's all blink-and-you-miss-it. So here's hoping ...

When I get said period, I will be here. I apologise for showing off and no we're not rich. I booked it today as a last minute thing, so we got it for a third of the usual price. Fucken BARGAIN. I am SO EXCITED. We leave on Monday and come back on Saturday the 14th - breaking news is, I'm NOT (gulp) taking my laptop with me!! I need a proper break from work. Mr TC is driving down with Tiger right now to pick up his daughter, she's coming from Alice Springs for a holiday. She's 10, and just so beautiful. She has this quirky sense of humour - out of all of his kids she's the most chilled out.

So Patience has this Virtual World Tour idea, where everyone posts pics of their corner of the world. It sounds great! Plus, Mony's had a crazy thought that perhaps the Blogging Sydney Slickers can meet up!! Shee-it!! I'll be there with bloody bells on.

I found The Shape of a Mother today, where you can check out what real womens bodies look like before/during/after pregnancy.

Shopping last week, I couldn't resist buying a mug with Yummy Mummy written on it. I've put it right under the cutlery drawer in the kitchen, still in it's box. I hope to be using it to drink all the coffee I'm going to need next year when I've been ... up all night ... cough ... with the baby I'm trying to have .... ahem ... darn - why do I feel so sheepish!!

So, this is my last post for a week. Wishing you all peace, love, and good news. I'll be gagging to know how everyone's doing - you'll find me in a dirty church hall in Byron; holding a cup of coffee with the shakes. "Hi, my name is Topcat, I'm a blogaholic ...."

Giddy Up Cowgirls!

Blogging how I love thee, let me count the ways ....

I am at my sisters house in North Bondi, having a rockin time. I stayed at my other sisters house in Coogee last week - spreading myself around. (They are identical twins. We all share the same raucous laugh and filthy humour. Crazy shit.)

I just caught up on everyones blogs. Beautiful Mony has made it thru the other side of a NT scan and amnio - Cabbage Patch kids rock! Welcome back Von! Vee's beta numbers are FANTASTIC, YAY VEE!! Imy and her hubbie David both made films - hilarious! (Try it - so so fun and easy. Link in my sidebar). Akeeyu, Dawn, and Ultimate Journey - their pee sticks are bringing great tidings, from across the baby divide!!

I love feeling connected to such a diverse, funny, heartachingly honest bunch of women. Connected - that's why I began my journey into blogland. So when AF arrives (next week!!) and I go on BCP for the first time since I was 20, I know a little of what to expect. Everything I'm about to go through - by reading all of your insightful and heartfelt experiences, I know a bit of what to expect. (Stims, shots, blood tests, etc.) The not-knowing scares the bejeesus outta me. We live in a world where we (westerners, anyway) have a great deal of control. But here in the IVF/IF world, a whole lot can happen that's not up to us. But oh, the joy of having a baby at the end of it!!! Also - I LOVE reading pregnant blogs. Apart from being genuinely happy for those that have made it over to the other side ....they give me hope, makes me feel excited that maybe, maybe, it's going to happen to me too.

So, in conclusion, I love Bondi, Blogs, and Ballsy Women. Oh, by the way - can someone tell me - do you really have to put your legs in stirrups?? (Please say no please say no ....)

Comedy of Errors

A funny thing happened on the way to filling my BCP prescription today.... I handed over my form, went back about 15 mins later ... and they had lost it. Totally. Lost. My. Prescription.

Now, I'm very, very big on signs. After about 10 minutes of the seven chemist staff looking high and low, and me spelling out my last name, maiden name, and middle name, just for good measure ... I started to tear up, thinking... "Is this my sign? After all the bullshit waiting - now I can't even fill a simple prescription? Should I just give up now, slink into the Katoomba fog and delete my blog and plan an overseas trip and apply for that big job, Mr TC wouldn't mind either way as his kid quota is well and truly done; I can't believe this, WTF!!" I nearly ran over to the head honcho to yell "LISTEN HERE - THIS IS FOR IVF - IV FUCKING F AND I HAD TO WAIT 3 YEARS TO GET HERE. THIS IS NOT FOR BIRTH CONTROL IT IS FOR BIRTH!! WHERE IS MY FREAKING PRESCRIPTION!!!"

Half an hour later - I left, calmed down with a coffee, then went back - they found it, it had slipped behind the computer. Crisis averted, phew.

Just another hurdle to jump; in this crazy marathon.

It's snowing here tonight, hopefully the wind will die down so it can settle overnight. The snow makes the cold worthwhile.

Way to go Vee, Max and lil Crumpet! Woo-hoo! xoxooxooxxoxox

Unasked, Unprompted, Unabashed.

Fuck it. It's 9.23pm on a Saturday night - what else would one do but tag themselves? Here, in no particular order, are nine random things about moi. *ahem*

1. I am terrified of spiders - more specifically, huntsmans. Eww. Can't even type that without shuddering. I freak out - cry, shake, running screaming from the room, hands in the air. Lucky I live in the MIDDLE OF THE WILDERNESS.

2. I am a gameshow contestant addict. I went on Burgos Catchphrase and won books, a stereo, and a glamour photography session ... in which I ended up looking like a dragqueen. Won a vacuum cleaner on Wheel of Fortune. Both shows I was not carry-over champ, and was bitterly disappointed. Currently waiting to hear back from producers of 100vs1. I auditioned for Big Brother last year - think I was too old. ahem. If there was a gameshow on celebrity gossip I would be champion of the universe, for I am truly addicted to trashy magazines. I mean badly.

3. I worry A LOT. Climate change, terrorism, will I get to heaven, my husband is too busy, if I go to that party tomorrow night I'll miss Greys and it's a cliffhanger. Multiply that by 100 - I worry A LOT.

4. My hubbie has no idea that I blog. He wouldn't even know what a blog is. I don't want him too. The other night we were in bed - he was, umm, being a bit frisky. I was too tired, we were both laughing. I called him a "filthy Tomcat". Fuck it was funny. After a pause, I said "I'm ... Topcat." There was silence as I smiled in the darkness.

5. The pain of my dads suicide was exquisite. For many years I wanted to kill myself too - but it's just the WRONG WAY!! And I had to stay alive for my brother. You can't kill yourself ..you'll miss the ending!!! (Mark Twain says pain, not joy, is the secret source of humour.)

6. I have never worried about my weight.

7. I swear too much, am dreading giving up coffee soon, wish I never gave so many blowjobs. My husband built our house, I have ugly feet, believe Bono and I share the same soul (yes, really), and I'm not half as stupid as I got told I was. I hope to write a novel soon, I hate the saying "it's all good"... no - no, it's not all good. Sometimes it's all fucked. Every Christmas I put Buddha next to Jesus in my nativity set, and wonder what they would talk about. I refuse to hide my light to make others feel better; I love going to the movies by myself; I eat whole blocks of chocolate in a single bound; I will learn to tapdance before I die.

Looks like I picked the wrong week to give up folic acid ...

I am so excited and happy, cannot believe what a difference a phonecall makes. It was like my entire life was hanging in the air, tilted on its axis, waiting waiting waiting for that infernal, final go-ahead from the BUSIEST DOCTOR I HAVE EVER KNOWN. Here's a tip - if you're too busy to talk to your new patients, then don't take on any more new patients! Ahem.

After much silence from her, Mr TC had to step in and start calling her, trying to placate his increasingly distressed wife. I just wanted to know, once and for all. For Christs sake - if I'm like this now, imagine what I'll be like at egg retrieval/sperm aspiration/hormonal/2ww etc stages?? IF I even get there! (Not to mention my HORROR at the sound of the wand monkey. Get. Fucked.)

IVF depends upon success at every stage. I have experienced a lot of things in my life, but never have I been witness (participant!) in something so .. fraught with emotion, passion, longing, heartbreak, joy. Roller coaster indeed. So I got my go ahead - in writing, no less. I am filling my BCP prescription today - perhaps one of lifes greatest ironies is having to go on the pill to start fertility treatment.

I went to jail yesterday. Down the bottom of the mountain is a maximum security womens prison; I go once a month to hold a meeting there. It scares the shit out of me every time, but God I drive away feeling so, so grateful for where I'm at in my life. When I tell my story to the mothers I talk with such a fire - I tell them they CAN change. They CAN have a better life, get clean, be good mums. Sometimes I look over at the grotty kids play equipment in the visiting area and my heart breaks in despair. But the idealist in me is still there, still hoping.

Wow - got off on a tangent. All of this waiting has given me one good thing - the BURNING DESIRE TO GET THIS SHOW ON THE ROAD. Bring it all on, motherfuckers. Even you, oh Humiliating Wand Monkey. I'm more than ready.
xoxoxoxoxoxooxo