Wednesday, 18 July 2007

This Topcat .... She is Not Feeling So Good

**Children Mentioned**

There has been a lot of bad news out here in the blogosphere this week. It has made my heart heavy, I just can't understand how, after so much that people go through fighting IF and then finally getting that Holy Grail of a BFP ... that there are complications, heartbreaking losses. I feel so sorry and sad.

Aware that I am not suffering a fraction as a few beautiful women are out there .... however, I am not travelling very well. I suspect it is the BCPs kicking in. I'm crying a lot, am over-sensitive, depressed, can't think properly. I am used to having a handle on things. I'm worried - that I won't be able to hack it. This is just the first step; fucks sake. I was close to having a panic attack in the street today, tears streaming down my face. Great. I have worked so hard over the past 5 years, to get a handle on myself and carve out a new path. I feel like I have taken a major step back in my emotional well-being, and it doesn't feel good.

I have a five and a half year old son, Tiger, who I choose not to blog much about. Which is hard, because he is the meaning of my whole life. But I try to stay mindful about offending anyone. It seems like a world away, that he grew in my belly. I looked down one day and noticed my boobs had blue veins. "Hmmm..." Promptly walked up the street, bought a pregnancy test (ONE!!), came up positive. Beta? What the fuck is a beta?

Today, I am in the middle of 'secondary infertility', I believe it's called. 3 years ago, I knew my cluckiness was not going away. Now, not only is Mr TC fixed - but he nearly dies last year after the treatment for a severe liver condition fucks him up BAD. Mr TC is a kind, generous, loving man, with lots of friends. And he's tough. With tattoos. And a spunk. And he's mine ...) Is this too much information? Why am I writing all this? More importantly ... why am I starting to feel better?


I have been waiting to try for a baby for three years.
I am scared of what might happen if I get pregnant.
I am scared of what might happen if I don't get pregnant.
I am scared of how the IVF drugs will affect. Me and drugs don't have the most wholesome of relationships at the best of times.
I am scared that you will now think I am a whingy, whining selfish ungrateful fuckwit. (Ahh guilt - how YOU doin'?)
I am scared ..... I am scared.
I am scared.

Oh. It's fear. It's only fear. I thought it might have been something serious. I can handle fear. The opposite to fear is faith. I can have faith .... I can choose to have faith right now, in fact. I can have faith that the women I read about who so desperately want to become mothers, who I know, I KNOW, just by reading their words, what wonderful mothers they will be .... I can have faith that they will achieve their dream. I wish them on, silently. I can have faith that I won't have another freakout tomorrow. I can simply have faith.

With a flick of her tail, Topcat slinks herself upstairs to bed. (Before midnight! It's a miracle!)



Stacie said...

Faith and Fear are in a constant battle in me as well. Fear rears her ugly head more often than I care to admit--faith seems to be the weaker of the two. I find it is so much easier to have faith for others than it is for myself...I think all of this IF crap did it to me. Sometimes it is just too scary to have faith for myself.

You are not alone in this. When your faith falters for yourself, I will have faith for you.


minus one said...

Wow, Topcat - such raw emotions. I admire your strength in putting your fears into words for all to read. I think that faith has strength in numbers. Standing alone, trying to be faithful in light of such adversity would be terribly hard to maintain. So, like Stacie said - we have faith in you. If you need to set that burden down for a moment or two, know that there are lots of strong women out there that will carry it for you for awhile, until the fear subsides and hope comes back home.

Von said...

My heart is with you. The fear is ever present in all of us who have to deal with this monster that is infertility.
Take one day at a time and know that you have many good women coming on this journey with you.
You are not alone.
You have us.

Mony said...

That's for sure. You have us. All the other scared, yet strong women fighting away. You're scared because IT IS SCARY! The whole unknown facctor is terrifying. You can do it. And I have no doubt you will handle it with great class & rollicking swear words.
Poor, poor Vee. I am so sad for her.

Imogen and David said...

Thank you for the further insight into your world. BCP isn't agreeing with me either and I too thought shit this is only the beginning!