Tuesday, 24 July 2007


My head is fucked. Not the outside of it, but the inside. The brain parts. My mind is like a bad neighbourhood - I really shouldn't go in there by myself. Presently battling depression and paranoia, with equal parts shittiness and fear. Throw in a bit of hope, but not much. Do you know what I have been thinking lately? To stop the BCP, cancel next weeks Big Kahuna appointment, and run. Run for my life. Run far, far away, away from all of this freaky IVF fiasco. To stop it all - give up. And do you know why? I realised it today, clear as a bell .... because then it would be MY CHOICE. At dinner parties I could say nonchalantly "Oh, yes, we were going to try IVF, but decided not to. Flying to Hawaii tomorrow for an impromptu holiday in fact. Here, you simply MUST try the salmon, it's delicious ..."

Other factors to be considered - I have no motivation to go to the gym, am eating a lot of food, feel shizenhausen.

So, to avoid a repeat of the disaster that was yesterday, I did what any self-respecting, 35-year old would do - I put on my skull and crossbone tights, with my big matching plastic black and white skull ring. Do not fuck with me, today, head. I am TOUGH!! So far it's working, the morning is nearly over. I'm off to get my eyebrows waxed and lashes tinted; answering "Oh, nothing much..." when the beautician asks what I've been up to ...

My hormones are out of whack - Mr TC is being so lovely and understanding. But he takes one look at the wild in his wife's eyes, and backs the fuck away. Yesterday, I felt ok for oh, 5 minutes. He was right there, I grabbed him and jumped up and down and said "I'm ok right now in this moment!! Help!! I'm trapped in this body!! It's a window, a window, a window ...." He started singing it too - this new Window Song. He scooted me around the kitchen, laughing, doing twirly fancy dance moves. I heart him.

6 comments:

Geohde said...

Hi there...of course you're welcome to listen to my irrational collection of fears about IVF and infertility.

It has occured to me, too, to call off the whole thing and run screaming. ANd I don't even have a protocol yet!

Good luck.....

Imogen and David said...

The thought of doing a runner has crossed my mind too! LOL.

Carrie said...

Hey, I've been there too. In the carpark before my down reg injection. I just thought about driving off. I mean not a little thought , a huge pull to leave like I had to force myself to step out of the car. It freaked me out at the time, but I think it is normal.

And isn't it kind of funny when you start saying to people there is not much happening. My dad phoned me from Australia on Sunday and I was saying, no there's not much happening round here. Huh! It has to be done though. We have to look after ourselves first.

Gemini Girl said...

I am so sorry you are feeling this way. I think its natural though considering this is your first go at IVF. You dont know what to expect. You are afraid it's not going to work and afraid that it might. You have a lot of conflicting feeings. Its very natural. The BCP's make you crazy, the ivf shots and meds do the same.... so its not just in your head. Its a very sensetive time but you know what? Well worth it! So yes, I was crazy for a few months, and yes my pg hormones are making me crazier (so much so my husband says he would like to knwo where his wife is and when she will be returning).
If you need us we are here- all of us who have been through this process can talk you through it and make you aware that you are NOT crazy and NOt alone.

Gemini Girl said...

You have been tagged!

Stacie said...

I have been close to the edge of stopping procedures also. When these drugs mess with your hormones, it can make you totally crazy (and so sad). During my first cycle (and the only one I did the pill for) I wrestled with poor me feelings (why do I have to go through all of this and no one else seems to), excitement, and the most intense fear I had ever felt.

You are with people who understand and won't judge you for what you are feeling. We've been there.

Take care of yourself and hope you are feeling better soon...