The Cat's Outta the Bag

"You cannot truly know a persons happiness .... until you know their unhappiness."

I believe that the blow of infertility is softened if you already have a child. It's been a very difficult, emotional, scary year this year - for me and most of the wonderful women I have read. But I'm lucky - I already have a son. Who was even conceived naturally, unplanned ... when I was smoking, and 5 months sober for Chrissake.

As I was driving to all the appointments, and doing all of the invasive things we do during IVF, I kept thinking "Wow, I'm really serious about this". And I am. I tried accepting Mr TC's vasectomy as my lot in life, but no matter how much I tried, I just couldn't. I tried to accept that I would just have one child, and be content with that - but I just couldn't.

I realised yesterday why this was so, so big for me. I'm realising that, due to being born into such a SERIOUSLY dreadful family, I didn't experience love - ummmm, at all! (Except from my nan. She knew, and she loved me fiercely).

I am a loving, giving, warm, funny person. I deserved more. I know that now. I also know, that the love I have for my son cut through all of my sorrow and addiction and pain. It's how I wished my parents - my mother, should have loved me. Rarely - but it still happens, I have mini-meltdowns, and know that something is dreadfully wrong inside, all the crap comes back to haunt me. But I move through it.

I guess, in light of Farahs thought-provoking posts recently .. well, I just can't enter into a "My pain is bigger than your pain". Life has put me through the wringer - the roads I ended up walking down were so hideously black that I should be dead. But I'm not - I'm here. And I'm so grateful for people who have reached out and supported me through this year - while they have been TTC - their first, longer and with more heartache than I will ever know. That's not fair. I believe in the power of positive thought, and I will be cheering anyone on who needs it. I know there are people who have chosen not to comment and converse with me - because I'm not a "True" IFer. That is so ok, and I respect that, truly. But hey - maybe someone who is about to start IVF, is a recovering addict with PTSD from their childhood, who is married to a guy with a vasectomy, maybe they will stumble across my blog and not feel so alone.

I'm a freelance writer, and I have no doubt I will write an article on TTC via IVF soon for a mag or newspaper. I want more people to be better informed, more mindful, more thankful for what they have. I will never, ever again ask someone if they have children. My eyes have been opened to a world that previously, I had the luxury of being completely fucking ignorant about.

As for how I am today ... I'm waiting on my clinic to call me back - their policy is to only be on Crinone for 2 weeks after egg retrieval!! So I'm due to finish in 2 days, which is pretty scary. Plus, I want a bloodtest ... STAT!!!

I did a test with Mr TC this morning - positive. He was shocked - but so lovely. I told him that I will never, ever again doubt his love for me. He said he's so happy for me - but the thought of prams and nappies and strollers make him shudder. And, he reckons he's too old. (41). I said to him - "But you're free!!! You are a free man! Freedom! You can do whatever you want to do!"

This will either end in a healthy baby - or not. I could have a low beta. Or miscarry, or the baby could have birth defects. Or be stillborn. Or die of cotdeath. A meteor could hit us. We might go broke and have to live in a caravan. There is absolutely nothing I can do about it! So I may as well enjoy it while it lasts. I intend to enjoy it - and keep writing about it, hopefully with not too much guilt. (I already have enough guilt to start my own religion).

Today I'm Queen of the Positive Pee Stick - and the luckiest bitch in the world. xoxo

Fuck This Shit. (10dp2dt) ***UPDATED***

Wanna hear something so, so funny? It's a real riot. I keep pissing on sticks! I can't stop! It started last week when I was waiting for the trigger to go - it did. I got a few snow whites. Then at 6dp2dt, I woke up and I kinda just KNEW that shit was going on down there. My boobs were so sore, kept waking up at 5am to piss, and could smell the notes in Tigers poo thirty metres away. I felt slight cramping and tugging, and was a teeny bit nauseous. I. Felt. Pregnant.

I went to my sisters house, didn't test again until Sunday (8dp2dt) - on an expensive test this time. I was in the public toilet of a shopping centre - looked down, and OMG there's a second line. A bit faint, but it's there. Wow. Me and the Universe had a secret - didn't tell anyone. (Still haven't!) So, yesterday I bought some cheaper tests, POASed in the loo of a cafe - why do I keep pissing in public? So classy. Anyway, I got back into my car and put the test on my console, and watched it disappear down the cracks. Forever! It aint budging! So now there is a pregnancy test stuck somewhere in the crevices of my Fancy Schmancy car. What's worse - I didn't even get to read it yet, so I'll never know what that one said.

Now, this is all great. I couldn't believe it, first time lucky, yadda yadda. SO grateful and amazed. I was telling Mr TC that I'm pretty sure it's happened, I can just feel it, etc. Then, last night in bed, I just didn't feel pregnant anymore. And I cried. I felt like it had gone away, or tried but stopped. When I told Mr TC (crying) I said "Well, least you don't have to panic now." He was SO cranky I said that, told me to stop blaming him. So, this morning I do two different types of tests - they are both positive. One faint, but you can definitely see it.

So, I wonder how many more I will piss on? I'm not even attempting to pretend I won't. My beta isn't for another 8 sleeps. I don't believe anything now. I don't believe any pee stick, any sore boobie, any 6th sense, any shit-smelling superpower. I just need to WAIT UNTIL MY BETA. Isn't that what they recommend to begin with?? Ha ha ha. Told you it was funny.

*******Updated - Well, ummmmm, I feel hopeful again. (Sheepish). Pushing my trolley around the supermarket, I was salivating over chilli sauce and chips and dips. Literally salivating like Homer. And my tummy feels - full. I bought a three-pack of cheapie pee sticks, and a two-pack of expensive ones. I know, I know, - but I'm beyond help. Plus, I will "officially" do a pee test in the morning, when Mr TC is here. OMG!!! Now, I don't know what's going to happen tomorrow, or next week, or freaking next month ..... but fuck it. Put the kettle on - Hope's arrived!!

Wooo hooo!!

9dp2dt

It's such a beautiful day up here! Spring has sprung, and it just makes me all gooey inside - I live in a place that usually snows in winter, so to finally feel the warmth in the sun again is wonderful. It's funny - it's only until I got sober that I realised how distinctly different the seasons are. Sounds strange, but I had never noticed. (You don't tend to notice much in that state except when your next welfare payment is due). How amazing is autumn! Even though I know it's signalling that the dreaded winter is coming, I'm still blown away by its beauty.



So, back home. Had a fantastic time away, I caught up with both of my sisters which was great. I wish we lived closer. The nicknames I gave them last year is Tee and Rex, as in T-Rex. This is because they have pathetic little dinosaur hands. (They are ALWAYS bagging my big manhands out). Watching Tee the other day in her kitchen, feebly struggling to drain her heavy saucepan, I was pissing myself laughing at her. Of course, I didn't offer to help, because I was in such a *delicate* state, heh heh. Didn't I milk that for all it was worth. Speaking of which .... well, I just don't know. Even if I DO POAS today, I won't know officially until next week. Plus, Mr TC really doesn't want me to. So .... the waiting continues. I'm quite worried about Mr TC, he's not himself lately and seems a bit depressed. He's usually such a big tough guy. I'm scared that it's because of the IVF - and that what could be an amazingly fantastic result for me .... is not so much for him. I wish we were on the same page. I wish he wanted this as much as I do. Feels like one of us is going to be disappointed! I hate that!



Anyway, here - with a distinctive Aussie flavour, are my Rockin Girl Blogger Awards:

• Von at Murphy is a Bastard. I heart Von. The mind of a rebel and the soul of a poet, Von has been on the fucked-up IF journey for too long - and still has the grace to advise and help me, an annoying newbie who threatened to sink like a sack'o'shit at any slightly bad news. As Von enters an FET this week, I have asked the Universe that she gets her dream. It's funny to care about people we've never met, isn't it?


• Maya at Gemini Girl. GG is preggers with twins, hoorah! I love hearing about her escapades in New York, as she negotiates crappy bathrooms, people who won't give up their seats on the subway, and a growing belly.


• Vee at the Sweet Life. Sydney girl Vee has shown grace and courage with all she has gone through this year. She and Max will make wonderful parents one day. Vee is also an amazing illustrator - check out Vee's Imagination.


• Mony from Mrs Negative. Not a whisper of complaint about her pregnancy, Mony and Hef have handled their hurdles beautifully, and with humour. Once I mustered the bravery to comment on her blog - and she commented back! She was a real live person! Mony is very popular - but always shares herself around in equal parts. She just rocks.


• I'm also not being sexist and nominating two guys ... Trevor at Triplets, or Oh My God We're Outnumbered! Trevor and his wife Breda have triplets - and they seem like pretty cool people ... all five of them. Trevor blogs with humour and gratitude - can't go wrong. Frank N Beans from Fertile Frank is one very, very funny guy. Swing past and offer your support - he and his wife are about to commence IVF for the first time.

Thank you to Anna and Amy R for nominating me! I read everyone on my blogroll. I cry for you, cheer you all on, and just learn and laugh so much. Thanks for showing me that I'm not alone. xoxo

Toughing it Out ... Bondi Style

I had to get away ... going MENTAL. I know you all know what I'm talkin 'bout. So, I headed INto the APEC fiasco that is Sydney this weekend, and am firmly ensconced at my sister Tee's house, Bondi Beach. Proudly showing her my blue veiny boobs today, she swiftly pulls her tits out and says "Mate, check out MY blue veins". She's not remotely close to being preggers, so I thanked her for crushing my dreams in one fell swoop. George Bush is in town ... we watched him refer to us as "Austrians" on the news tonight. Laughed our heads off.

I'm getting used to the 2WW - and have found myself realising that the past week has been so huge, I'm glad to have some time to process it all. And as the uber-cool Chicklet said, "enjoy thinking it might have worked".

I'm not touching my tummy much. Just taking it easy. I really needed to settle the fuck down, actually. I feel a bit numb. Wondering if certain things could possibly be "real" pregnancy symptoms, even though I know it's so early - is there anything that can't be attributed to progesterone? High temp, constipation, tiredness, blue vein boobies, chin hairs, moodiness ... ALL of these can be blamed on progesterone!

(Except chin hairs - I've always had them).

There's Just Such a Long Way to Fall

Is it wrong to publish pictures on your blog of your husband .... when he has no idea of the existence of your blog?




Furthermore, is it wrong to publish pictures of your identical twin sisters who were bridesmaids at your wedding - knowing FULL WELL they read your blog, but doing it anyway, just to gauge their reaction?

The most important question of all would be ... is it wrong to spend your 2WW in a looney bin, because you've gone certifiably insane??

Will I blog about how I think I'm pregnant? Or, I could blog about how I think I'm NOT pregnant. Will I talk about how I have been manically googling 4dp2dt ALL FREAKING DAY, sometimes crying, sometimes hopeful? Lucky my job is at home, in front of my computer. Or, will I mention the loud, lone thought that sifted to the front of my consciousness today "Well, I don't want a baby ANYWAY. So NER!!!!" (I believe I may have been talking to the heavens; not so sure).

***sigh*** To all my poor, poor, fellow peeps in the 2WW quagmire, this one's for you.

Being a recovering drug addict and alcoholic, I enjoy doing things I'm not supposed to do. So, the whole contentious issue that is to POAS or not to POAS ..... I'm pretty fucking sure which side I'm gonna be on. Cruel blow - my 2WW actually starts today. In two weeks exactly, I will know. (I will know). So, of course I'm gonna POAS before then. Probably. Maybe not. Oh, who am I kidding, of course I will. But, nothing is proven until the Beta call. What do y'all reckon? What will/did you do? Pass me the lube - I want tons of assvice.

**sigh**

I'm so sorry to hear of recent bad news with some lovely IFers. It's just bullshit. Meanwhile, the young single junkies are popping their babies out like there's no tomorrow. Here in Australia, you get a "Baby Bonus", I think it's four thousand bucks. And then straight onto welfare. I just don't get it.

To answer a few questions - I only got one embryo transferred because Mr TC is SO paranoid of twins. (I wouldn't mind, myself!) But, seeings how he compromised so much anyway, we only put one in. Plus, my clinic don't advise two at all.

Also, they did actually end up finding my left ovary. It's still sore from the ER - it must be in such a hard to reach place that they really had to scrape at it.

I decided long ago ...(never to walk, in anyone's shadow. Hmm hmmm hmmm ...... oh sorry) Ahem. I decided long ago, that if I actually ever get lucky enough to make it to the 2WW, then I will post the story about how Bono held my hand last year. So that one's coming up.

Did I mention I'm in the 2WW? But that's enough about me. What do you think of me?

The 2WW - A New Kind of Torture

• 3dp2dt. All I can think about is implantation. Is it happening now? Will I get spotting?What the hell's goin on in there? How many cells is it up to? Who was the second gunman on the grassy knoll?
• I am nauseous, tired, and constipated. Thankyou, Crinone.
• Waiting on IVF's-R-Us to call me back. I want to ask why wasn't I given the option of going to blast, and can I go straight to an FET next cycle if this doesn't work. (Prefer to ask that now, rather than in 2 weeks hysterically crying)
• The Two Week Wait sux dogs balls badly. It turns ordinary women into obessives - I was already obsessive to begin with! I'm FUCKED!
• When I think that this isn't going to, ummm, end well - panic rises, and a lump forms in my throat. As the days continue I will be getting quite worried about my mental health.
• I have waaaaaayyyyyyy too much time on my hands. This is no good!
• My UTI seems to have abated, hoorah!
• If someone told me that to get pregnant, I would have to paint myself green and do a half pike triple somersault in front of a crowd of spectators, naked, I would. TWICE.

That is all.

1dp2dt.. the Shooting Star.. and a Sore Pisser!

Well. I have MUCH to say. So please get comfy! Firstly, I'm still in shock ... that my husband is so freakin virile. I'm still dumbstruck by Thursday's Cup Overfloweth Sperm Episode. I've slowly realised that I really, honestly thought that he wouldn't have any sperm left. That at least going to all this trouble would stop any relationship issues down the road. Of course, I hoped and dreamt, but during the treatment my mind has tried to stay calm, not letting me get carried away with the whole Baby Dream, lest the fall be too much.

To have 22 eggs retrieved - out of which 12 fertilised, 1 was transferred yesterday, and 8 were frozen. Now, I have slowly realised that my clinic should be called IVF's-R-Us ... I have never seen the same doctor or nurse more than once, so personalised care is non-existent. So I don't even know their criteria for freezing - but the scientist (that's what they call themselves!) was pleased with the whole nine.

Watching my embryo transfer yesterday, I was dumbstuck, dumfounded, enthralled, excited. I didn't even mind spreading my legs! (Well, maybe a bit.) However, thanks to this post of Geohde's, all I could think about was - what size speculum had he used, and more importantly, are my vaginal walls meeting in the middle?

I couldn't wait to see the embie. I wanted to take a photo of the monitor - but instead, I actually had to hold the ultrasound to my uterus! I had to help the doctor! In another room, the scientist was getting the embie ready - and there it was on screen, all four cells, waving hi. Look mum, no hands! Un-freakin-believable! Like an episode of Star Trek! Through the microphone, the scientist said "Topcat, C. Whiskers, is that you?" His voice was so distorted, it actually sounded like "Meat or bean or half and half?". I had to confirm the embie was mine, then watched it get sucked up in the catheter "Wheeeeeeeee" - he comes in and hands it to the doc, who told me to watch the screen. I did - and saw the precise moment he was shot into my uterus. It was like a shooting star in a galaxy. "I saw it! I saw it!" I was so giddy. "Wow! OMG! That is SO amazing! Isn't that amazing?" The doc just nodded, amused. "I guess you're used to it now, hey." He said he was. Aware I was babbling, I couldn't stop. "It's still amazing though!Wow!"

I walked out, four cells heavier. I thought that it would have been more than four, but the scientist said they like them to be four at 2 days old. Had an HcG injection, given a date to return for a blood test (September 19th - 17 sleeps away!) Then drove home. In amazement. I rested as much as I could yesterday - the nurse said I didn't have to rest, to go and do something nice for myself. But I wanted to lie down. Felt a bit fragile, not wanting to move around much.

So, my scientific quest on "What the cells are up to now" .... has led me to some interesting discoveries. For instance, technically, the embie should still be travelling in the tube towards my uterus. Being released early, for good behaviour, makes me wonder what's going on in there? Is the embryo just like a pinball, cruising around wherever it wants? I guess it's instincts will lead it over to implant ... or not. How incredible. How totally ..... random. This is all such a big gamble, really.

All bets are off, at this point. The roulette wheel is still spinning. Black or red? Implant or die? Pregnant or not? Ecstasy or heartbreak?

I did POAS yesterday, just to see how strong the second line would be, so I will have something to compare the inevitable future pee sticks to. I'm feeling calm. A few silly thoughts .... I feel like a Coca Cola IT'S A CRAVING! Twinges down below I'M OVULATING! I love my husband so much HORMONES KICKING IN! Undoing my pair of socks this morning, foolishly punching myself in the tummy - hard YOU'VE KILLED IT! Don't count your chickens I'M PREGNANT UNTIL PROVEN OTHERWISE!

I overheard Mr TC talking about the transfer on the phone today, saying "Yeah, she got her eggs implanted yesterday." Don't know HOW I managed to keep a straight face.

Now, before you think I'm a freaking lucky bitch, how dare I have such a fucking successful outcome this far - AND I already even HAVE a kid, for fucks sake ..... guess who has a motherfucking urinary tract infection? Give you a clue - it's me. So I'm quite (very) worried already. (Note to self - do NOT google pregnancy + antibiotics at three o'clock in the morning when you already can't sleep.) I rang IVF's-R-Us this morning, useless. Visited a GP today, who took a urine sample that he'll get back in 2 days. I'm worried that a)my precious 4 cells are getting attacked by evil bacteria b) my precious 4 cells will get attacked by evil antibiotics, if I take them.

I got it either during egg collection, or from the Crinone applicators. It burns after I do a whiz - not pissing razorblades yet, hopefully it won't get that bad. My urine sample was quite clear though, not cloudy - so maybe I just have a sore urethra? I can't do anything about it right now, so I may as well try not to worry too much. (Ha ha).

That's all my news. Terribly self-obsessed at the moment, and have hardly left comments for anyone, sorry. The whirlwind is slowing down. The lovely Amy R has just had her transfer too - she recently nommed me for a Rockin Girl Blogger Award, so I'll get crackin on that soon.

Oh my - I'm in the 2WW.

Today is Fathers Day down here in Oz. I made Mr TC a teeny, tiny card. On the outside it said "Happy Fathers Day!" On the inside I wrote:

"Dear Dad,

Thanks for giving me a chance. If this works out, I'm really looking forward to meeting you.

Lots of love,
Your Four Cells xoxoxoxox"

Mr TC nearly cried.