Birth Control = No Control

BCP is evil and must be stopped. At all costs. Can someone tell me - how long do you have to be on them for? *shudder*. Talk about putting the rage in road rage. Or trolley rage. Pedestrian rage. Slow checkout chick rage. No chocolate rage - oh wait, that's a given.

So how you doin'? Yes you - the one reading. How are you going? Why do you read/blog/lurk, and how has it helped you? Are you as surprised as I am, at this amazing technology, and the connections it provides?

Three more sleeps til my Big Kahuna appointment at the hospital on Thursday. I have started to write out a list of (silly, yet honest) questions. I need to pay the $$, and pick up all my drugs. And have a counselling appointment, apparently. Mr TC won't be coming with me; we have a pact he only has to come to appointments that he really needs to, like, oh I don't know ... sperm retrieval??! I hope his sperm has survived the vasectomy. I mean, if anyone's spoofta can come back from the dead like Freddy Krueger, Mr TC's can. Bloody want to! Holy Blanks, Batman ... I can hear the wailing already!!

Actually, I really feel like I will be pregnant soon. Call it wishful thinking, I dunno. I mean, the odds of having a fertilised and dividing embryo implanted inside you, doing what turns the world around - anyway, surely all those celebrities can't be wrong? Julia, Courtney, Brooke, Marcia, etc.

The waiting is now drawing to an end. The fun stuff awaits. Must remember to keep my arms and legs inside at all times. Hold on!

Eight is Enough

If I really just let loose and wrote 8 disturbing things about me .... well, it would be too much. So - these are the kinda least disturbing. *Ahem*

1) I'm aware of the different roles we all play in our families - especially dysfunctional families. Read an incredible book once and a fog in me started to lift. My journey had begun - to start working out where I wanted to go in my life, I first had to understand where I came from.

2) I am double jointed. It looks freaky - but my husband loves it la la la

3) Like Gemini Girl (who tagged me for this) - I have very finely tuned esp. I'm hyper-aware of things, and often dream things before they happen. I have dreamt a few times that I will have a baby girl. It's giving me hope.

4) I love my husband and my beautiful son and all my stepkids so, so profoundly. Every single moment in life is so precious. I'm so grateful I get to enjoy it.

5) I believe there's no such thing as "normal". The only place you find normal is on a washing machine cycle. We all have our idiosyncrasies, our foibles, our Archilles Heels, our weaknesses. The sooner we realise we are all on the same side ... the better.

6) I have been known to buy chocolate, hide it ..... then open it by myself, trying to not rustle the wrapper. I eat it all, silently ... and if my hubby finds the evidence, I get into trouble.

7) I will be starting stims in less than a week. How strange I feel lately - like I can't plan anything solid. Like my whole life is on hold.

8) We are planning a trip to New Zealand at Christmas .... I really hope, due to my condition at that time, that I won't be able to do this.

I tag - Von, Imogen, and Geohde. Make sure they are disturbing, mwah hah hah!!

Bumble, I hope you are ok. xoxoxo

My head is fucked. Not the outside of it, but the inside. The brain parts. My mind is like a bad neighbourhood - I really shouldn't go in there by myself. Presently battling depression and paranoia, with equal parts shittiness and fear. Throw in a bit of hope, but not much. Do you know what I have been thinking lately? To stop the BCP, cancel next weeks Big Kahuna appointment, and run. Run for my life. Run far, far away, away from all of this freaky IVF fiasco. To stop it all - give up. And do you know why? I realised it today, clear as a bell .... because then it would be MY CHOICE. At dinner parties I could say nonchalantly "Oh, yes, we were going to try IVF, but decided not to. Flying to Hawaii tomorrow for an impromptu holiday in fact. Here, you simply MUST try the salmon, it's delicious ..."

Other factors to be considered - I have no motivation to go to the gym, am eating a lot of food, feel shizenhausen.

So, to avoid a repeat of the disaster that was yesterday, I did what any self-respecting, 35-year old would do - I put on my skull and crossbone tights, with my big matching plastic black and white skull ring. Do not fuck with me, today, head. I am TOUGH!! So far it's working, the morning is nearly over. I'm off to get my eyebrows waxed and lashes tinted; answering "Oh, nothing much..." when the beautician asks what I've been up to ...

My hormones are out of whack - Mr TC is being so lovely and understanding. But he takes one look at the wild in his wife's eyes, and backs the fuck away. Yesterday, I felt ok for oh, 5 minutes. He was right there, I grabbed him and jumped up and down and said "I'm ok right now in this moment!! Help!! I'm trapped in this body!! It's a window, a window, a window ...." He started singing it too - this new Window Song. He scooted me around the kitchen, laughing, doing twirly fancy dance moves. I heart him.

Fridays Rock!

Last week we were in Byron Bay. We went to Krystal Kastle (sp); which had lots of lovely big Buddhas and crystals and zen-like objects. I made an offering to the child of a big stone Buddha - it was holding out what looked to be an egg (or it possibly could have been a penis. Either way, it symbolises fertility, right?) I said a silent prayer, offering up my wishes and love that a baby would bring into our lives. Here's a pic - my fifty cent piece is down the bottom.

I have also tricked my nasty BCP, mwooah hah hah - and started taking it at night! Who knew! So now, no more pesky panic stations when I'm walking down the street. I am feeling much better now - thank you wise beautiful women for the wise beautiful words.

I also started a new job today - I had to get the FUCK out of my house, am officially going stir crazy. I'm still writing - just really needed to "get out more". It's only 1-2 days a week. Yay! I hope to work there until the baby's due (la la la .... mind always gets ahead of itself hmm hmm hmm)

I hope everyone has a lovely, peaceful weekend. If you're up for a bit of fun - try putting your blog in http://www.gizoogle.com/

As Britney would say - Peace Out, Y'all!!

This Topcat .... She is Not Feeling So Good

**Children Mentioned**

There has been a lot of bad news out here in the blogosphere this week. It has made my heart heavy, I just can't understand how, after so much that people go through fighting IF and then finally getting that Holy Grail of a BFP ... that there are complications, heartbreaking losses. I feel so sorry and sad.

Aware that I am not suffering a fraction as a few beautiful women are out there .... however, I am not travelling very well. I suspect it is the BCPs kicking in. I'm crying a lot, am over-sensitive, depressed, can't think properly. I am used to having a handle on things. I'm worried - that I won't be able to hack it. This is just the first step; fucks sake. I was close to having a panic attack in the street today, tears streaming down my face. Great. I have worked so hard over the past 5 years, to get a handle on myself and carve out a new path. I feel like I have taken a major step back in my emotional well-being, and it doesn't feel good.

I have a five and a half year old son, Tiger, who I choose not to blog much about. Which is hard, because he is the meaning of my whole life. But I try to stay mindful about offending anyone. It seems like a world away, that he grew in my belly. I looked down one day and noticed my boobs had blue veins. "Hmmm..." Promptly walked up the street, bought a pregnancy test (ONE!!), came up positive. Beta? What the fuck is a beta?

Today, I am in the middle of 'secondary infertility', I believe it's called. 3 years ago, I knew my cluckiness was not going away. Now, not only is Mr TC fixed - but he nearly dies last year after the treatment for a severe liver condition fucks him up BAD. Mr TC is a kind, generous, loving man, with lots of friends. And he's tough. With tattoos. And a spunk. And he's mine ...) Is this too much information? Why am I writing all this? More importantly ... why am I starting to feel better?

Nutshell:

I have been waiting to try for a baby for three years.
I am scared of what might happen if I get pregnant.
I am scared of what might happen if I don't get pregnant.
I am scared of how the IVF drugs will affect. Me and drugs don't have the most wholesome of relationships at the best of times.
I am scared that you will now think I am a whingy, whining selfish ungrateful fuckwit. (Ahh guilt - how YOU doin'?)
I am scared ..... I am scared.
I am scared.

Oh. It's fear. It's only fear. I thought it might have been something serious. I can handle fear. The opposite to fear is faith. I can have faith .... I can choose to have faith right now, in fact. I can have faith that the women I read about who so desperately want to become mothers, who I know, I KNOW, just by reading their words, what wonderful mothers they will be .... I can have faith that they will achieve their dream. I wish them on, silently. I can have faith that I won't have another freakout tomorrow. I can simply have faith.

With a flick of her tail, Topcat slinks herself upstairs to bed. (Before midnight! It's a miracle!)

xoxooxxxxoxoxoxx

The Arse End of the World.

Vale, Saeco Incanto. We got back home from our holiday ... to find our kickarse coffee machine broken. BROKEN I TELL YOU! Did I happen to mention how serious I was about coffee?
No? That when I entered the world of recovery, I gave up booze and drugs and ciggies ... but slug soy lattes back with wild abandon? However, said broken coffee machine is most definitely a sign - I knew I needed to give up anyway, as it's detrimental to babymaking. I shall have to lean heavily on my last remaining vice .... fucken swearing.

On the babymaking front ... I am the proud owner of a PROTOCOL. I'm so thrilled.

AF Thursday 12th July
BCP Saturday 14th July
Synarel (or Lucrin) 2nd August
Puregon (or Gonal F) 17th August
Bloodtests, Ultrasounds, etc
Egg Collection 29th-31 August
Embro Transfer 3rd September

I have waited so long to have this piece of paper in my hand. That says embryo TRANSFER, in black and white. I hope and pray and whisper to the universe every day that it will happen.

We all had a lovely time away - was so lovely seeing Tiger and his sister play together. He is going to be the best big brother. I was very sick with a throat infection, but kept saying I'd prefer to be sick in 23 degree weather than 3 degree weather!! (Celcius that is). It's so nice to be home - I need to drum up more work for myself, and time off makes me itchy to write more articles. I have a column in one mag on eco friendly building practices, which is great because it's regular income. But as a freelancer I need to create my own work, which is actually going really well. Mr TC is pleased with the extra income coming in.


It's late, so in a nutshell - here is my Virtual World Tour: (It's not too late - why don't you do it too?)

* I live in NSW

* You freeze your balls off in winter

* I have that miracles are possible and happen every day.



* I have a beautiful view from my bath. Here is my bathroom ...



... I told my sisters to stop pitying me that I couldn't have a drink with them anymore - I get to have a spa in this fucker!





So, in conclusion, if you're ever in this neck of the woods (literally) - look me up. I'll be the swearing chick sipping peppermint tea.


A special shoutout to Maya at Gemini Girl, who proved once and for all that a pregnant woman is sexier than a stripper. Hell yeah!!


I have much more to say in regards to

a) blogging b) babies and c) blogging about babies


However it nearly midnight, and I have to creep in to bed AGAIN, trying not to wake Mr TC. Does anyone else have that problem??

If I was a rockstar I would stay up all night and sleep all day. But I am not a rockstar, so goodnight. xoxoxoxxoxooxxxo

Blogalicious Blogaholic

Last night I dreamt that I got my period - I started running around the room, up and down the stairs, screaming "Woo-hoo! I got my period! Yee-ha!" doing a crazy happy dance all over the house. My period is due in the next few days .. I suspect I will be quite happy when it comes! I read in someones comments yesterday that once you start BCP's it's all blink-and-you-miss-it. So here's hoping ...

When I get said period, I will be here. I apologise for showing off and no we're not rich. I booked it today as a last minute thing, so we got it for a third of the usual price. Fucken BARGAIN. I am SO EXCITED. We leave on Monday and come back on Saturday the 14th - breaking news is, I'm NOT (gulp) taking my laptop with me!! I need a proper break from work. Mr TC is driving down with Tiger right now to pick up his daughter, she's coming from Alice Springs for a holiday. She's 10, and just so beautiful. She has this quirky sense of humour - out of all of his kids she's the most chilled out.

So Patience has this Virtual World Tour idea, where everyone posts pics of their corner of the world. It sounds great! Plus, Mony's had a crazy thought that perhaps the Blogging Sydney Slickers can meet up!! Shee-it!! I'll be there with bloody bells on.

I found The Shape of a Mother today, where you can check out what real womens bodies look like before/during/after pregnancy.

Shopping last week, I couldn't resist buying a mug with Yummy Mummy written on it. I've put it right under the cutlery drawer in the kitchen, still in it's box. I hope to be using it to drink all the coffee I'm going to need next year when I've been ... up all night ... cough ... with the baby I'm trying to have .... ahem ... darn - why do I feel so sheepish!!

So, this is my last post for a week. Wishing you all peace, love, and good news. I'll be gagging to know how everyone's doing - you'll find me in a dirty church hall in Byron; holding a cup of coffee with the shakes. "Hi, my name is Topcat, I'm a blogaholic ...."

Giddy Up Cowgirls!

Blogging how I love thee, let me count the ways ....

I am at my sisters house in North Bondi, having a rockin time. I stayed at my other sisters house in Coogee last week - spreading myself around. (They are identical twins. We all share the same raucous laugh and filthy humour. Crazy shit.)

I just caught up on everyones blogs. Beautiful Mony has made it thru the other side of a NT scan and amnio - Cabbage Patch kids rock! Welcome back Von! Vee's beta numbers are FANTASTIC, YAY VEE!! Imy and her hubbie David both made films - hilarious! (Try it - so so fun and easy. Link in my sidebar). Akeeyu, Dawn, and Ultimate Journey - their pee sticks are bringing great tidings, from across the baby divide!!

I love feeling connected to such a diverse, funny, heartachingly honest bunch of women. Connected - that's why I began my journey into blogland. So when AF arrives (next week!!) and I go on BCP for the first time since I was 20, I know a little of what to expect. Everything I'm about to go through - by reading all of your insightful and heartfelt experiences, I know a bit of what to expect. (Stims, shots, blood tests, etc.) The not-knowing scares the bejeesus outta me. We live in a world where we (westerners, anyway) have a great deal of control. But here in the IVF/IF world, a whole lot can happen that's not up to us. But oh, the joy of having a baby at the end of it!!! Also - I LOVE reading pregnant blogs. Apart from being genuinely happy for those that have made it over to the other side ....they give me hope, makes me feel excited that maybe, maybe, it's going to happen to me too.

So, in conclusion, I love Bondi, Blogs, and Ballsy Women. Oh, by the way - can someone tell me - do you really have to put your legs in stirrups?? (Please say no please say no ....)