Tuesday, 12 August 2008

I Hate Sandcastles

Blogging, I can't quit you.


*sigh*


I am, most definitely, NOT a very nice person lately. At all. Woe betide anyone who dares to ask me 'how I am'. They get the biggest fuck-off vibes in town ..... most of them are genuinely concerned, I'm sure. I just can't help it. I'm angry, bitter, suspicious and jaded. My life feels like a big fat joke. Paranoia is starting to mount .... even here. I have wondered what people really think when they read this blog .... I am very open, I know. Probably too much. I should tone it down a little ... maybe be a bit more light-hearted.


So, in a break from the heavy spin-out posts, here is my day in a pictorial display. In a very light-hearted way.


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I was still utterly furious at Mr TC today. I managed to avoid him all day yesterday, lucky for him. I don't believe I have ever, ever in my life been so angry at someone. (And believe me, I've been angry!!) And yes, relationship issues, new baby, cancer, hard to deal with, etc .... But, the other night was the final straw for me. Today while Tiger was at school, I put Monkey down for a nap ... and upstairs I trudged to his office to have it out with Mr TC.


This is who I looked like, while "resolving relationship issues" this morning .....


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Mr TC, on the other hand, while feebly defending himself, KNEW he was in the wrong and had really, badly fucked up. So he was more like this ......


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It didn't cut the mustard, I'm afraid. (Where on EARTH did that phrase originate from?)
No, siree. He was getting a MASSIVE telling-down by yours truly.


So, he gradually got more pissed, until we were both like this ....


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Except we weren't grabbing each other by the lapels, because, well, we didn't have business suits on. Otherwise we may have. Round and round and round the same old issues we went. 


Until, eventually, we reached an impasse .....


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I believe I had the last words, (of course). Something about leaving.

Now, I'm not going anywhere. Can you imagine if I left, what a cold hearted bitch? "Oh, that poor Mr TC. He got cancer and his WIFE LEFT HIM!!!" The only thing that matters, is Tiger and Monkey being in a secure environment. And they are. What we have all been through sux the biggest dogs balls ... (tempted to post a pic, but will spare you).

Tonight, after Monkey did that awful, terrible, no good screaming for, oh, a mere hour and a half. (I took a phone recording of it and texted it to my 2 sisters, under the heading - Clucky?) ..... I took my first bath in 3 months. (I have been taking showers, though. I promise.) And I shaved my legs, and coiffed my nethers. Actually, I coiffed my nethers with Mr TCs hair clippers. Vengeful, much? It felt so much better. If my vagina was a garden, it would be this one .....

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Finely manicured, indeed.

I sat in the bath, and randomly realised that Mr TC didn't come to visit me in hospital, when I had Monkey. Of couse he didn't ... he was getting exploratory surgery, fucks sake. How terribly strange, that right in the middle of the despicable ten-day period when we didn't know how bad his tumours were ..... I gave birth. I couldn't BELIEVE the unfairness of it, and cried. Then I stopped crying, because, well, you just HAVE to .... and I put my iPod on. In the bath .... I know, very ambitious, but it ROCKED. I listened to Indigo Girls "Closer to Fine" over and over and over again. I first discovered that song ten years ago when I moved up here, I know every note and inflection in their voices. Mr TC wasn't here, Monkey was asleep (Praise Jesus), and Tiger was playing his DS with earphones in, on the couch. I sang every word.

"I went to the doctor,
I went to the mountain.
I looked to the children
And I drank from the fountain.

There's more than one answer to these questions
Pointing me in a crooked line.
And the less I seek my source for some definitive
Closer I am to fine."

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And they lived happily ever after.



Oh - the title of this post? From this picture. Exactly how I feel on a daily basis.

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15 comments:

PaleMother said...

How are you today?

(ducks and runs like hell with a perverse grin on her face)

"I have wondered what people really think when they read this blog ..."

One hopes that people only read for the 'right' reasons, I know what you mean.

I can only speak for myself, but when I read you, I think ... this is one very sharply intelligent, talented and well-written, passionate broad with a great, black sucking-the-marrow-out-of-misery sense of humor. I LOVE how you mix your apocalyptic anger with blacker-than-a-black-hole-right-back-in-your-face-life-PS-I-Know-The-$#@&^%$$#!!-Gods-Are-Laughing-At-Me-And-Don't-Give-A-Shit humor. That is so my kind of cocktail. Cheers! Salud!

Thoroughly enjoyed the pictures!! TC!! You illustrated your post for me!! LOVED it. LOVE the picture of the two suit dudes having a go ... I thought about making it my desktop background for a second ... but I have this other photo there that transcends my own anger/need to laugh (which is saying something) ... so that took the wind out of the impulse ... but I feel like I need to keep that picture as a reminder of something. :)

No advice ... but just in case it's any use:

http://www.amazon.com/Should-You-Leave-Psychiatrist-Autonomy/dp/0140272798/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1218551960&sr=8-1

This book helped me (about ten years ago) when DH and I were separated for seven months. *No* idea if it would help you. Just thought of it now. I think it helped to give me some perspective that I couldn't possibly have on my own ...

xxoo

D. was here

G said...

I love me some picture telling blogging! I love your blog, don't tone it down, because I believe that blogs are for those who write them. At least for me. If others don't enjoy what they are reading they can go elsewhere (there's blogs over on opr.ah's site...). It's therapeutic to run through the emotions here.

Don't beat yourself up about the fights with Mr. TC. You are both probably pretty damn angry about the normalness you pictured post Monkey birth. And life threw another fucking curve ball.

No but really, how are you today?
bahaha

xo
G

OHN said...

Topcat..please keep writing. It is such good therapy and there are things you can write that you may not want to say out loud..at least that is my thought.

Everyne needs to vent and you have had so much crap thrown your way these last few months.

I love the added photos. They add a special zing to your witty prose ;)

Gemini Girl said...

I love how raw you are. If pple dont like it- they can suck it.

I really, tuly believe that your blog is your therapy. I wish I was more open with my blog.. but I am affraid of people's reactions. Pple like reading light hearted fare. Except everyone loves your writing- so no one is going anywhere here.

i love that you told him how you felt. I hope he will try and be there a but more for monkey.

Wordgirl said...

Everyone has said it before me -- the wit, the prose, the fearlessness, the honesty -- and Topcat I am awe of your ability to be true to yourself and your anger -- to feel it -- what's happening is unbelievably un-fucking-fair -- I can't imagine how G and I would negotiate it -- he is very much 'a guy' -- and processing isn't in his skill set.

Thank you for reminding me of "Closer to Fine" -- that is a song that served as a kind of anthem for me for a long time - my favorite, favorite song --and I haven't heard it forever. It seems appropo that the person who would remind me of it would be lovely you.

XO

Pam

annacyclopedia said...

Can I just start out by saying that I'm in love with you? You know, in a friend-y way, but still. I guess it might be more accurate to say that I'm in love with your blog, since I've met it but not you. Whatever. You totally rule, Topcat. If you start writing a boring blog about stupid shit, I will be as heartbroken as I did the time the guy I was totally in love with looked at his watch when he was dumping me on the street in front of his house. Cruuuuuuu-uuushed.

You make me laugh because you're funny, but mostly you make me laugh with that deep recognition that happens when I read a story and a part of myself I'm either neglecting or actively suppressing is illuminated. That is what makes you a genius, my friend. And a genius can't be stopped, really, or held back. A genius needs to share her wisdom with the whole wide world. And sometimes that wisdom comes in the form of rage. So bring it. I'm gonna keep hanging on every word.

MrsSpock said...

Your pictures made me crack up- a rather dangerous thing now that my bladder is a little weird post-pregnancy.

Seriously, your posts are what a normal person thinks when they are faced with such stress. My best friend's husband has been dealing with a malignant brain tumor for 5 years, and it isn't improving. He is in denial land and she is livid and feeling like she is carrying the weight of them both. Knowing them both, I can understand where each are coming from. Drop cancer into the middle of a relationship and -KABOOM! Suddenly everything gets harder.

Topcat said...

WOW!!!! I am just going to hang here, right in these comments ALL FREAKIN DAY. Wow wow (Wubzy).

Thank you, thank you, thanks so very muthafuckin much. All of those words went straight to the core of my soul, like a balm. Glory be praise Haysus on High, she lives to tell another tale.

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXXOXO ps Mr TC and I just had what was suspiciously close to a tongue pash. He almost cried with relief that he was forgiven. xo

Evil Stepmonster said...

They truly are the most fabulous comments...

I must add that I don't know how you manage to stay as sane as you do TC. I admit to being a bit of a control freak and if my life was turned upside down like yours I would be rocking in a corner.

I do appreciate your anger, but I can't help but laugh at the way you express it, and that last pic is just effing hilarious.

Please don't change - we all love you just the way you are.

Geohde said...

Tc mate,

I'm going to admit I haven't even read your post. SOmething to do with my own life being pretty scattered and screamingly shite lately. But I'm thinking of you and wanted to make the effort to post a lame ass comment to stay in touch. I WILL do better next time,

xx

J

Vee said...

Yes, yes, yes I agree. I wont say too much because it sounds like your head is getting bigger and you even got a tongue pash ;) but I LOVE YOU TOO. I have always told you I love your honesty! Don't ever let go of that. TC I cry with you but most of all I laugh at you or is that with you or maybe both ?

I hate sandcastles! Where do you find them ? LOL

nancy said...

Well. Wow. That's quite a post. I think everyone should put pictures to their stories. Makes it way more interesting :)

tobacco brunette said...

Picture blogging is fun.

But, wow, sweetie. The shit you have been dealing with and continue to go through...it's just so not fucking fair. I wish there was some perfect combination of words that could be left in a comment box to make everything better for you.

I hope today is proving to be a better day than the last few. Thinking of you often.

XOXO

Vacant Uterus said...

Oh please never, never tone your blog down for the public. I am selfish. Everything you write makes me feel better about how I reacted and dealt with Sarge's illness (and still do). Besides, the humanity is what we all come here for. No one wants to read about Superwoman who handles everything gracefully and never has a bad day. Booooring.

vamplita said...

I frickin' LOVE you, TC. To hell with the whole "warts and all" phrase...I dig you not in spite of your warts, but because of them. That's cause you're the real deal, m'dear.

As Billy Joel says, "I love you just the way you are".

XOXO