Tuesday, 5 August 2008

Back in the Game

Mr TCs stubble on his chin is so sparse, it's pathetic. And he knows it. "Fucks sake hon, I look like a hundred year old Chinaman."

Me - "Well, yes, it is - but I'm sure it will grow back properly. I still love you. I still love you through ALL of this shit. Even when you look at me like you hate my guts .... it's just the chemo talking. Even when you're acting like such a fucking angry prick ..... I still love you."

Mr TC, after thinking for a minute ..... "Hey, I thought we were talking about my chin hair!"


Heh. We haven't had sexual relations in A VERY VERY LONG TIME. I may have to start humping something .... the couch, a lampost. I'm like one of those renewed virgins. Lucky I'm loyal. I don't cheat. Never ever.


Controversially, I have decided to re-join the bloggy world in full, and take my blog off private. I have spent a lot of my life hiding .... why should I start hiding again now? My blog stats lifted substantially in May .... as they would when a TTC blog suddenly becomes a cancer blog, five days out from the birth of the baby. (SURPRIIIIISSSSEE) In television land, I believe it's what's known as a "ratings bonanza". I have spent some time going over some old posts, and deleting some personal stuff I had written about about Mr TC. Personal stuff about me? Kept it all in. Fuck it. It's like that scene in 8 Mile and Eminem stands there rapping, and uses all of the bad stuff about himself in his rap, and dares his detractors to mock him.

No-one can mock me if I accept myself, warts and all. I love my blog .... I welcome anyone to read it, except maybe the person who landed here from googling "finger lickin' sisters pics".

It was strange, reading my journey. I couldn't read past February this year ... because I knew what was coming, and my heart started to thump and I felt sick.

Seriously ..... how could it have happened this way? I wondered what month his tumours started to grow. How utterly terrifying it was, to be in hospital thinking that my husband was going to die. I thought they would open him up, the cancer would be riddled throughout his whole body, and he would be given a few weeks to live. I pray that Mr TC gets some amazing years, from now on. Cancer-free, and enjoying his life. He says he wants to go to Greece. We might move towns. Who knows.

I am much stronger than I ever gave myself credit for. That feels good. I have a baby I dreamt and willed into existence. I haven't really spent that much time enjoying him, which kind of sux. It's all so dreadfully different to what I expected to happen.

I emailed my auntie in Scotland ... I met her once, when I was 19 months old. She is my real dads sister ... the real dad who I never knew, but look exactly like. Monkey has my red hair more and more .... he seems to look like my real dad! I hadn't contacted her in a few years - she didn't even know I was pregnant, so I laid it on her - bang, here's your new nephew, oh and my husband is "a little bit crook." She replied back straight away, so lovely. She told me that my dad always hated his hair being called red, and used to call it auburn.

I didn't know that. It made my heart sore, to be 36 years old and so excited at finding out a new piece of info about my father - a morsel, a scrap from the puzzle of him.

Today I emailed her back, with these pics that I labelled "The Wee Bonny Lad" ....

Today, I told her, I know that my dad was disappointed I wasn't a boy .... but check out his new grandson. I told her I wished things were different.


Right now, Mr TC is on the couch, making Tiger laugh hysterically. It's making me so sad! Why are all the happy things making me sad? Maybe because I didn't think we would get to be here. I will try not to take life for granted from now on, but I know I will. It's human nature.


Wordgirl said...

How beautiful you both are my dear friend,

The part about your dad has that familiar ache in my own heart and tears in my eyes.

I always thought that having children with a loving, involved dad would open some space in my heart -- and when I see G with W and what a wonderful, loving father he is...it does ease that old ache.

I'm just sitting here looking at your blog page and smiling at you both.



PaleMother said...

Divine dimples!! So easy on the eyes :) :) :)!!!

Gorgeous you ... only a real caveman could have been disappointed.


D was here.

Gemini Girl said...

First of all: How can you be so thin when you JUST had a baby?

Second- glad you are no longer hiding in blog land. Glad you are back. We missed you.
Love that baby!

Bee Cee said...

Monkey is SO cute, I love his dimples.

Your strength amazes me, but also makes me believe you will all come through this. I sincerely hope you do.

annacyclopedia said...

What a wonderful surprise to open up my reader this morning to find a whole bunch of your posts now that you're no longer private. I meant to get the password but just kept forgetting to email you, so this is delightful to catch up. I have been thinking of you often in the past few weeks and have been keeping you in my prayers, too.

I am so glad you are honouring and recognizing your strength - it's something we so rarely do, taking the time to savour and appreciate how powerful we are as women and as human beings.

And I love the contact with your auntie in Scotland - it sounds very healing for you. I hope that it is and that Monkey continues to bring you and Mr. TC much joy.

tobacco brunette said...

How does it feel being out again?

I loved the bit about your aunt in Scotland and those pictures. God! You two are so photogenic and, honestly, Monkey is a beautiful, beautiful boy.

I love his smile. Makes me smile back.

As for the humping...skip the furniture and go for a battery operated friend. Why sweat if there's no one there to appreciate how good you look all glistening.

Pixxiee said...

The chin hair comment cracked me up. So like a man!

You're beautiful. And your boy is beautiful. And I am so proud of the strength you are finding.

I'm with you - when I read my own blog and read myself reacting to the various sadnesses. Well it hurts. But it's all part of the journey right?

Hugs to you from sunny New Zealand. For today anyway, we've had such crap weather!

nancy said...

I love love love that last picture.

And isn't it amazing how it takes a fucking too close of a call to start to live sometimes?

Geohde said...


You and Monkey look freaking fantastic, but you already knew you were stunners, right? :)



Vacant Uterus said...

He IS a bonny lad, though getting less wee all the time. I love that smile! It makes me smile in return every time I see it, reflexively.

I think you HAVE to take life for granted again at some point. Living on pins and needles, trying to embrace every moment does make you aware of joy but it also makes the pain so acute. One day you'll wake up and realize that you've been coasting and that it's been kind of a relief. And that will be totally okay.

I pray this for you, my friend: that one day someone will ask you how things are, you'll blink and say "Boring, actually. Not much has happened. We're all pretty much fine." I wish that for you with all my heart.

Vee said...

Yay! For getting rid of the PWP.

TC I have no idea Why it happened that way, you can ask why so many times, it just isn't freekin fair !

Max's chin hair is starting to grow back and it is the blondest hair I have ever seen! And so soft, it is strange!

I love those pics you both look gorgeous!

Diana said...

Oh the pics are so cute. Please step back and look at them and you can't possibly be sad for at least a couple of minutes.

J said...

Your little dude is adorable! You all look great

Almamay said...

Welcome back to the public blog world. Brave choice but I would expect nothing less from you.

Great pics. Thanks for posting them.

Stacie said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Stacie said...

The one line that I hope you hold on to for ever and ever..."I am much stronger than I gave myself credit for." That is so true. Often, I am in awe of your strength and courage to face life. The cancer is just one more obstacle that you will get through (and I have no doubts that you and the Mr. will) to be an even stronger person.

I am so glad you decided to go public again. Screw the people who invaded your space. You have nothing to worry about here. THere is nothing here to be ashamed about!

And lastly, I love the pictures of you and Monkey. So sweet. He really is such a cutie!

Stacie said...

The deleted one was me. Posted twice for some reason. Sigh.


OHN said...

I want to kiss those adorable dimples! He is getting so "big" compared to about 4 minutes ago!

I dated a guy with REALLY red hair and he always called it orange..well, it really was more orange than red ;)

I have felt those pangs of finding out tidbits of my father. Sometimes they explain a lot and other times just makes me have more questions.

Doesn't it blow your mind when you read or look back and see what you have survived??