Thursday, 21 August 2008

Meh. With Pictures.

It's the 21st of August in Australia, so where I live, IComLeavWe has officially kicked off.

Lucky I feel so shithouse and have nothing noteworthy to say.

I just feel blah. Maybe my adrenaline is finally wearing off. (Come back! You're all I got!!) Maybe everything is catching up with me.

I have some MASSIVE posts brewing, with tasty subjects including "Is there a self-help book on how to parent a newborn and take care of your husband on chemo ..... without getting to as many recovery meetings as usual, because you are so fucking busy????" But ... now I'm doing IComLeavWe, and random people will come here, and be all like, this chicks fucked up!!!

Alas, this is no earthshattering post. Truth is, I'm sitting here at 10.31am, in my pj's. I smell, have greasy hair, and can think of nothing to do today. (I have SO MANY things to do. Meh). My heart feels heavy. Mr TC has been doing a course down in Sydney, for over a week now. He drives down, every day, and gets back very late at night. I'm officially a single parent. I don't feel depressed - I think I just feel lonely. Not lonely for a friend ... but for my husband. I miss him. I miss his strength, and his hair. I miss doing normal stuff with him. He hasn't told ANYONE who he is doing this course with that he is undergoing chemo for cancer. He must be so sick of it. He has so much to prove, to the world and himself. Just counting down the days til his last chemo day.

Then, we can put this nightmare behind us, he will be cancer-free for the rest of his life, and it will just be a big bullet we all dodged. Right?

I have wanted another child, for so, so many years. And I finally have my other child. I just didn't expect to feel so deflated. Having to fight so hard to get here .... then right when he was born, to find myself in a new, terrible fight of a different kind.


Well, that's my cry done for the day. Here are some photos of Monkey in his big boy jeans, seeings how I still cannot post video. (Oh Blogger, how I hate thee!!)


Big. Boy. Jeans ...

I don't think I will EVER stop being amazed at how truly enormous my nostrils are. (I seriously used to scare my stepson when he was younger, by flaring them at him) ....


Can. Not. Kiss. Babys cheeks. Enough ....

**** Edited to add ... Monkey just woke up from his sleep. It sounded suspiciously like he just said 'fuck'. His first word! I'm so proud!!


bleu said...

isn't kissing the cheeks the best. I feel selfish every time I do it because it gives me so much pleasure!!!

I once read about how your family is who you can be shit around. It was speaking in regards to teens being pains in the ass at home and then having friends parents call and say how wonderful/helpful/polite your child was when they were there and the parent getting frustrated. Your post made me think of it, like Mr. TC has one place in the world he feels safe enough to be weak and exhausted and feel sad or defeated or scared or whatever, but out there he has to be all Mr. Strong Perfect.

It sucks for you to get that part right now, but you are the only safe haven he has to be that.

Just my random thought while reading your post.

My other one was about noses. My brother once told me my nose was big when growing up and I always wanted a nose job after. I got over it, but the thing I have come to realize now years later as a grown up. All of the sexy people I have ever been attracted to or thought were gorgeous never had a perfect little nose. I find quirkiness in a nose adds to sexiness and interestiing-ness. (like my words?)

Anyhow I love your nose!!

Wordgirl said...

Oh TC,

G often refers to my nose affectionately as 'your schnozz'...yet another thing we have in common...

It's nighttime here and G is working -- it's just me and Lucy. I think of you and Mr. TC, monkey and tiger often. My heart aches with you. I will be here counting those days too -- and can't wait until I drag G's ass to Australia and we can come stay. I think G and Mr TC would get along REALLY REALLY well, and us? Well I think we just might get along.

Warm hugs from summer to winter -- is it nearly Spring there?



Pixxiee said...

I have a smallish nose. But nostrils that flare too.

You know, maybe stuff is catching up with you. Or you might be getting a bug? You might have got my flu via the internet you know! I told you not to lick the screen :-) Take it easy on yourself and don't sweat the small stuff. If your body/mind/mood tells you to stay in PJs till 3pm, then do it. It's not going to hurt anyone. Of course, if it continues longer than say a week or two, I'd reach out for some help hon.

Your AA meetings are really important I think. And need to be your top priority even while Mr TC is away. I guess you have a sponsor, a mentor? At least talk to them. I worry about you. Loneliness/depression/sadness is a really tough thing.

On to happier things. OH MY GOD. The boys are just too cute. I'd like to come over and kiss them both over and over until they ask you to get that wierd Kiwi woman out of the house.

Hang in there. If you wanna, feel free to email. I have no words of wisdom but an email buddy might help?

Hugs and Love

G said...


I kid. I am just jealous because I have a freakishly small nose. Seriously, I think that arsehole (see, did I say it like an aussie?) Michael Crackson modeled one of his noses after it.

Your family is beautiful... hang in there. You can do hard things.

Now go take a shower... smell you later.

Diana said...

Complain any time you want, it's your blog!

Love the jeans, sooo cute!

Vee said...

TC, if it helps I am feel feeling shithouse too. I suppose it's expected with all the crap that is happening around us hey.

I hope that little one in big boy jeans make you smile every day, he sure is a cutie and Tiger too!

MrsSpock said...

Your nostrils are nothing compared to Mr Spock's- and even less compared to his Polish grandfather. You could fit a whole hand in there!

The big boy jeans are cute!

annacyclopedia said...

Your boys are so luscious, and so are you. And seriously, your nostrils are perfect. You should see my mother in law's. Shudder. They're easily the size of a loonie (our dollar coin) - I can't remember what is your biggest coing there, but pick the hugest one and then get another one, and you have her nostrils.

Vee is right - if you weren't feeling crap, I would really be worried about you. I am worried about you, but I also know that you are a total champion and will get through it all just fine, even though I'm sure it doesn't feel like it right now.

And Monkey - well done on your first word, sweet pea! You are indeed your mother's son.

Gemini Girl said...

Yeahy- I get to comment!!

1) My husband has big nostrils too-not like his dad's who can suck me into his web of snot, though. Neve's nostrils seem to be on her way to being like her daddy's

2) Neve seemed to have called her father gay yesterday she said something like ata gay- which funny enough in hebrew means you are gay. We both laughed so hard.

3) It's ok to feel the way you do- I mean most mom's get some sort of PPD without having a husband going through chemo- so you have every right to vent and be upset. Have you considered taking pills for the depression- or do you not want to go that route? I am def considering taking them.

4) Those boys are beautiful. Please enjoy money and tiger- monkey will only be this age once- wearing his big boy jeans.

Fertilized said...

with all the goings on you have, I am amazed and impressed! your children and you are simply scrumptious!

Beautiful Mess said...

*new reader* the big boy jeans are TOO cute! Those boys are absolutely fun. Love the smiles! Good luck with the chemo, hang in there.

nancy said...

You just got to stop cutting yourself short. So much SHIT has happened to you, nevermind giving birth and having to deal with a newborn! Cut yourself some slack. Or I'm going to have to fly over there to kick some punk rock ass.

actually, i have had a hatred for all things australian and swore I'd never go there (all over a boy named monkey, pretty ironic, eh?) who broke my heart. Maybe it's time to get over that.

seriously? said...

Here from ICLW. You are a very interesting lady! I can only imagine what you must have to go through on a daily basis with a stepson, a newborn and a husband on chemo.

Best of luck! My thoughts are with you.

kateypie35 said...

Never fear, American chocolate has been just need big box and claim forms....

tobacco brunette said...

Oh my god, with all you've got going on, it only makes sense that there are going to be days/weeks where it all catches up with you. How can it not?

I can't tell you how often I think of you and am really looking forward to the post-chemo days for you guys.

And holy shit, Monkey is huge. I guess I didn't realize they grow that fast (so much to learn), which is good because I'm a little nervous about the stage when they're all teeny and floppy.


alicia said...

I love your writting style! I am sorry to hear about your husband, I am sending positive thoughts and prayers his way. Your baby is beautiful!

here from ICLW

ohn said...

Hey TC~Do you think that on top of all the crap you are dealing with right now that there might be a bit of post partum depression going on? Just an observation from someone who has been there.

Kiss that babys cheeks a few times for me too :)

In Due Time said...

Coming over from ICLW..

Isn't it amazing how big they look with baby jeans on? Scary! lol

((((Hugs)))) to you and the big bald guy.

Mony said...

He's so cute.
Really sweet!
Wow! I love the idea of the comment-a-thon..... we all love comments, huh?