Thursday, 7 August 2008

Poor Monkey ..... Dad Has Cancer, Now the Birds Hate Him.

My poor little baby. *sigh*

This morning I had a shower, put the slow-cooker on with a fresh veal casserole, and braved the .. shudder.. mums club at Tigers school. (First time I have been to an assembly since I was preggers.) This was all before 9am. I thought ... why stop there?! And went to a nearby village to meander, browse, and generally salivate over my favourite stationery shop.

Grabbed a large double-shot soy latte, felt pretty fucking pleased with myself. Monkey was asleep in his sling. My sister Rex rang, I was walking up and down the street, chatting .... then, all of a sudden I noticed something fly into the sling, between me and Monkey. I thought it was a praying mantis, or beetle, or some hideous creature (I HATE BUGS. THEY ALWAYS SURPRISE ME AND FREAK ME OUT AND I HATE THEM) .....

I stop talking and look down.

I could not. Believe. My Eyes.

There, splayed across my eleven-week old-desperately-wanted-yet-often-ignored* baby ..... was a big fat birdshit.

A BIRD SHAT ON MY BABY SON TODAY. ALL OVER HIS CHEEK.

I was still on the phone. "Oh my God. Oh my God. I can't believe it. Rex, you won't believe what just happened."

She's like What! What happened!!

"A bird just shit all over Monkeys face. A bird just shit all over Monkeys face!!!!"

Of course, we both laughed, she told me to call her back. It was so disgusting, man. I'm like, fuuuuuuccckkkk. That fucking bird - no doubt in my mind it AIMED right at him. Cocksucking arsehole bird.

So, of course I rush to my car to wipe it off with 10 million baby wipes YUCK. Before I do that, of course I take a photo. (I keep getting this mental image of a wild-eyed crazy woman taking a pic of birdshit on her babys face, in the middle of a busy street. Mother of the Year)

I was going to post it on here, but it's just too slack. I can't do that to him. If I was a baby and a bird shat on MY face, and my mum blogged, I wouldn't want her to post it, either.

Can you believe it! I rang Rex back, she said how lucky it was, and to buy a lottery ticket. (Which we did).

I ended up going in to the stationery shop, suddenly SPLURT, again and again, Monkey did the filthiest poos in his nappy. Poor little man. The sound of it made ME want to poo, too. The lady came over to ask if we needed help, and I wanted to scream "Don't come any closer! Poo cloud!" But it was too late, so I got the pleasure of watching her face recoil in disgust, at the stench. (I didn't poo, only Monkey did. A lot).

So, I cut my losses and came home. Showed Mr TC the photo of his baby smothered in white and brown bird crap ...... he thought it was hysterical.

He NEVER laughs, anymore. So at least some good came out of it.

My poor baby!!! Why does this stuff happen to us??

___

*I've really started playing with him, now. I absolutely adore the fuck out of him, really.

11 comments:

PaleMother said...

Gack. It's like sick performance art about extreme opposites ... compelling (soft, sweet baby cheek) and repelling (bird shit).

It *is* supposed to be good luck. There is a scene in Under The Tuscan Sun (the movie was very different from the book) where the heroine wins a bidding war for her new house because a bird craps on her head in front of the superstitious old lady who owns the place.

I grew up around a lot of Italians, some of them my relatives. I have to say leave it to them to make a superstition that requires you to go through *that* for a little luck. With good luck like that, who needs bad luck?

I love that it made Mr. TC laugh. :)

xxoo

D.

PS I also LOVE stationary stores. Yet I hardly ever write anything but e-cards and e-mails any more. What's up with that?

G said...

I am so sorry that happened to Monkey... but OMG I was hysterically laughing. And then the Poo Cloud. bahahaha

Wordgirl said...

Hi TC,

Blogger just ate my earlier comment...but I laughed when I read this because just the other day in one of those hammock sits -- I felt what I thought was rain -- and WASN'T -- on my knee, which sent G into fits of laughter because he's never, in all his hammock sitting, been shat upon...and then moments later -- as I returned to my book -- ON MY FACE.


So Monkey and I have two things in common: the fact that we know his mom rocks -- and this.

XO

Pam

nancy said...

heh. That's pretty funny. Jeez. Crazy though. Maybe the bird knew he needed to have a giant poo and swooped down with a sympathy poo?

btw - i always take a picture first too.

annacyclopedia said...

Topcat, you tell a fucking great story! I'm laughing so hard, not only at the birdshit, but at the woman in the store recoiling in horror. So funny!

In the spirit of stories of baby public shit incidents: I was holding one of my nephews while my sister and I were having lunch, and I heard him poop and felt the vibrations, but we figured we'd just finish eating. (He was still on the boob at that point so the smell was pretty non-existent.) So we keep eating and eventually we finish and I pass him over to his mom, only to find that it had gone all up his back and leaked everywhere. I was wearing a dress over jeans, and it soaked right through but I never noticed a thing until I passed him over and found a bunch of poo on my hand. Real classy, me and my sister. I had to slink to the bathroom and deal with it as well as I could, and she had to find a different bathroom where she could change him, which took a ridiculously long time.

We didn't have dessert after that, either.

Stacie said...

Poor little Monkey. The nerve of that stupid bird! But, I do have to admit to just a tiny bit of a laugh when I read your description. :-)

Evil Stepmonster said...

I feel bad laughing at poor little monkey's problems, but so damn funny! And anything that brings a smile to Mr TC's face has to be good.

Hope everything went ok with the school mums, they can be so intimidating as a group.

Gemini Girl said...

I have heard that it brings good luck- so maybe it was a sign from ahem *above* that everything will be ok!

ohn said...

I was shat on once while walking to the grocery store. The only problem was that I DIDN'T KNOW IT until I got home. Not one person said a thing. I can only imagine what they thought about this huge bird shit right on top of my head. (I did remember feeling something but thought it was a stick or something from a tree...thank gawd I didn't put my hand up there!)

Marie said...

Ok, first time reading your blog and Dr Pepper just shot out of my nose so I will be back. That was a good one. Poor little monkey though....roflmao

Vacant Uterus said...

LOL, poor Monkey! He's not alone, I have been shit on by birds not once but twice in my life. First time I blamed my brother, sure that he had thrown the nastiness on my leg. Those seagulls had nothing to do with it! He had a job of convincing me. Hopefully this is a sign of luck to come for Monkey (and all the rest of you).

xx

(Sorry I am so frightfully behind on your blog. Love the redesign, tho! Looks great!)